Every now and then, Sona and I'll be talking
and there's a lot of joking around, back and forth,
but I sensed that I really got her mad.
And I don't even mean to do it.
And last week I was talking to Sona about my favorite pen.
Now, my favorite pen is, and this is not an ad,
I'm not getting paid.
It's the Pilot Precise Grip Rolling Ball, black pen.
I have them right here.
My blood is boiling. I'm so angry.
And so, just before the pandemic hit,
[Sona] Yeah.
I said to Sona and I sent her over the specs.
I know I did.
And I think Sonia said, I think Sona said, I'm not sure.
I think she was said like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
the same pen we always get. I got it."
So, I think you fobbed it off on someone.
The next thing I knew...you remembered,
you handed me a bag of pens.
This was just before the pandemic hit.
And I put them up in my-
A year ago?
A year ago.
Sorry, a year...one year ago.
But there's a reason for this.
So, then the pandemic hits and it...
For a while, there's real lockdown
and we're there and I'm,
and I run out of my trusty pens, but I go,
"Oh, don't worry, Sona took good care of me."
Oh God.
"She got me just what I need
they're in that bag upstairs."
And I go upstairs and I take 'em out
and I start writing on 'em.
And it's a Pilot Precise Grip Rolling Ball...
Fine.
Oh God.
Not bold.
Oh my God.
[Sona] Yes. Yes!
And I knew that Gourley would take my side on this
because you're a persnickety...
You're just a persnickety little Simon, I know you are.
And I, about pens, I doodle, I draw, I'm constantly writing.
It has to be the right pen.
And I hate a Fine point pen.
I hate a Fine...I hate a pen that's stingy with ink
and boy that Pilot pen was so stingy with ink.
(Sona groans)
The pen was looking up at me.
The pen was looking up at me every time I went to use it
and was going like, "I'll never run out.
I am inadequate, but I'll last forever."
(chuckles)
And it would screech, screech, screech
and it would screech up the paper and scratch it up.
Screech, screech, screech. Screech, screech, screech.
And I thought, "Oh my God, this pen."
So I opened the next box.
Same kind, same kind, same kind.
The house was flooded.
You cornered the market on this shitty, fine,
fine, miserly pen.
So miserly.
Can I talk now?
Can I please, can I please talk?
And I was like- So-
"What is this?" Hold on.
So then, I go on the internet and I decide,
"I don't have to...I must take action myself.
I must leave my-"
Oh, God forbid you buy your own pens.
(laughs) I'm...Oh!
Do you realize how terrifying this is for a celebrity?
(laughs) You have no idea, Sona.
This was a horrifying experience for me.
I opened my laptop, by myself, which I've never done.
And I went on this thing called Amazon
and I found what I wanted.
And they said, "Do you want it in Fine?
Or would you like it in Bold?"
And I said, "I'd like it in Bold."
And they said, "You can have as many as you want.
How many do you want?"
"I'd like three boxes, please."
"It'll be there in five minutes."
Bang!
So all I did was come into work and go,
"See this pen, Sona?"
And I drew with it and I went,
"It's so much better than the pen you got me a year ago.
Remember, Bold, not Fine."
You blew a fuse!
Oh my Go...
Okay, can I speak now?
You blew a fuse.
I'm gonna speak now.
First of all, you're making it seem as though you were like,
"Ah and I just, like, I was like, 'Oh, I wanted a Bold
and you gave me Fine.'"
You texted me on a Sunday. Ooh.
In the middle of the week.
Yeah. And on a weekend.
And you started basically being like
"Ah, I don't know who got me Fine tip pens.
But I use Bold."
And I...it was so long ago that we got you these pens.
And it wasn't right before the pandemic.
It was like...I wanna say at least a year and a half ago.
And we gave you the pens
and also whose fault is it that you didn't look at them
to make sure that they were the ones that you like?
Oh no, no no!
You can't say- Ah, yeah, yeah!
Oh, it's your fault, sir that you were...
Sir, you tolerated the bad medical care.
It's your fault.
Order, order, order in the court.
You wanted Bold, you should see if we got you Bold, bro.
Order, I won't have this in my courtroom.
Go on Sona.
Thank you, Matt. Matt, do you agree...
do you agree with me?
Matt was holding up his pens.
'Cause just like you, he has his own pens.
I'll use anything that writes.
But I'm not a monster.
I wouldn't expect anybody else to recognize that
like the pen persnickety-ness, you know?
Can I read you the exchange?
(groans)
Uh-oh, here we go.
This is how long this goes on, "Quick Unimportant Note,
I said, unimportant. I just ordered more pens for myself.
And remember that the last big batch
that someone ordered was incorrect.
I like Pilot Precise Script Bold."
(chuckles) Oh my God.
"And the last-"
It's the fact that you said, it's unimportant
that makes it scarier because you're not joking around.
(laughs)
Hold it.
And then you should see the size of this paragraph.
I say, "Unimportant note."
And then the paragraph looks like
at least three sections of the U.S. Constitution.
(laughs)
"I like Precise Script Bold.
And the last batch was Fine Point.
Sounds irrelevant, but it makes a big difference.
So I've been giving them away.
We won't need to get more for a long time.
'Cause I just ordered a lot.
But given the pandemic and my mental state,
this felt like a worthwhile use of my time."
Oh my God. Oh my God.
I got that.
Hold it, hold it.
This is good. Listen up.
Then Sona says, "Okay, are you keeping the pens at home
or are you gonna bring them to the theater?"
And I said, "I'm gonna keep them at home."
And then my next text says, "They're mine, all mine."
And then Sona writes back, "Yes they are yours.
No one else's."
Then I sent her the link.
I sent her the link to the actual correct pen on Amazon.
Yeah.
And I write, "Bold, baby" and then in all caps, "Bold!"
And then I say, then I blame it on some young people.
No. And then there's a part where I give it to you like,
"Crushed it."
Don't forget that part 'cause that's what-
Oh, and I-
Oh, that's what pissed you off.
Hold on, listen to this. Listen to this.
So I go, "Bold, baby. Bold."
And then I say, "This is the worst thing to happen
to anyone in the last year."
(laughs)
Sona.
Oh, God.
"I bought you pens like once a million years ago.
And I don't think we got more,
this sounds like a Conan mistake.
(laughs) If you're gonna be nastier."
Oh!
It's branded.
And then she said, "I know you like playing
the blame game, but maybe you bought
the wrong ones off Amazon?
Maybe we look inward?"
(laughs) Oh, BS!
"Maybe we look inward?" says Sona.
(Sona chuckles)