( PIANO RIFF ) THANK YOU FOR JOING US. SO NICE.
WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND IT IS THE MONDAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: MEANING YOU'VE ONLY GOT THREE
MORE DAYS TO COME UP WITH WHAT YOU'RE THANKFUL FOR.
IF YOU'RE REALLY STUCK, JUST SAY KEANU REEVES.
EVERYBODY LIKES HIM.
PERSONALLY, I'M GRATEFUL THAT ON FRIDAY, HISTORY WAS MADE.
BECAUSE JOE BIDEN TEMPORARILY TRANSFERRED POWER TO VICE
PRESIDENT KAMALA HARRIS WHILE UNDERGOING A ROUTINE
COLONOSCOPY, MAKING HARRIS THE FIRST WOMAN TO ASSUME
PRESIDENTIAL POWER.
YES, 100 YEARS AFTER WOMEN GOT THE RIGHT TO VOTE, WE FINALLY
GOT THE FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT, ...ON A TECHNICALITY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND I DID NOT KNOW THIS, ON-- TURNS OUT, THIS WHOLE TIME THE
GLASS CEILING WAS IN JOE BIDEN'S BUTT.
>> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: DID NOT KNOW.
HAD NO IDEA.
( LAUGHTER ) HARRIS HAD PRESIDENTIAL POWERS
FOR 85 MINUTES.
NOT VERY LONG.
BUT THE JOB IS SO STRESSFUL.
HERE'S WHAT SHE LOOKED LIKE BEFORE, AND AFTER.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE YOU GO.
THIS TEMPORARY HANDOVER IS NOT UNPRECEDENTED, BUT IT'S A
DEPARTURE FROM HOW THE SAME SITUATION WAS HANDLED BY FORMER
PRESIDENT, SULK HOGAN.
( LAUGHTER ) BACK IN 2019, HE UNDERWENT A
COLONOSCOPY BUT HE DID NOT WANT TO HAND POWER TO THEN-VICE
PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE, SO HE REFUSED TO GO UNDER ANESTHESIA.
GIVES A WHOLE NEW MEANING TO HIS MOTTO: MA ...GAAAH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THERE YOU GO.
BIDEN'S COLONOSCOPY WAS PART OF HIS ANNUAL PHYSICAL, WHERE HIS
DOCTORS FOUND THAT HE'S HEALTHY AND REMAINS FIT TO SUCCESSFULLY
EXECUTE THE DUTIES OF THE PRESIDENCY.
THAT'S GREAT.
I'M GLAD HE'S HEALTHY.
OF COURSE.
BUT I WAS SORT OF HOPING THEY'D FIND THAT HE HAS THAT BENJAMIN
BUTTON DISEASE, AND HE'S ACTUALLY GETTING YOUNGER EVERY
DAY.
IT WASN'T JUST A PHYSICAL EXAM.
BIDEN'S DOCTORS ALSO CHECKED THE OLD NOODLE SHOP, AND CONFIRMED
THAT HE'S STILL GOT ALL OF HIS RAMEN, SHOWING NO FINDINGS
CONSISTENT WITH ANY CEREBELLAR OR OTHER CENTRAL NEUROLOGICAL
DISORDER.
(AS BIDEN) I CAN PASS ANY BRAIN TEST YOU
THROW AT ME.
YOU WANT ME TO REMEMBER THE FIVE WORDS YOU TOLD ME?
EASY-PEASY.
HERE WE GO: PERSON, WOMAN, JACK, MALARKEY, C'MON BUT THE MAN IS
79, AND IT SHOWS.
I'M SERIOUS.
I LOVE WORDS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: GIT IT, JOE!
I LOVE WORDS.
THE ONLY THING I GOT MORE IN MY MOUTH IS TEETH.
BUT THE MAN IS 79, AND IT SHOWS BECAUSE BIDEN'S PHYSICAL DID
FIND THAT HE IS SUFFERING FROM A PERCEPTIBLY STIFFER AND LESS
FLUID GAIT.
OR AS FOX NEWS CALLS IT: GAIT-GATE.
( LAUGHTER ) THE PRESIDENT IS ALSO APPARENTLY
EXPERIENCING A MORE FREQUENT NEED TO CLEAR HIS THROAT OR
COUGH.
BUT LOOK, AS YOU GET OLDER, YOU MAKE MORE WEIRD NOISES.
HAPPENS TO ME.
IT'S WHY MY AUDIO GUY HAS TO MUTE ME EVERY TIME I SIT DOWN OR
STAND UP.
( LAUGHTER ) JUST LISTEN TO MY ISOLATED MIC
FROM LAST WEEK: STEPHEN COLBERT: PLEASE WELCOME
BACK TO THE LATE SHOW, ADAM DRIVER.
(OLD MAN SOUNDS) HAAAAAH, AHHH, OHHHHGGGG!
WITH THE KNEES...
( LAUGHTER ) THAT JOKE'S BASED ON A TRUE
STORY.
( LAUGHTER ) AFTER HIS PHYSICAL, BIDEN HEADED
TO THE ANNUAL TURKEY PARDONING CEREMONY.
TO PROMOTE THE EVENT, THE WHITE HOUSE RELEASED THIS VIDEO OF THE
CONDEMNED: ♪♪
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE, BUT WHY DID THEY PUT '70s PORN
MUSIC OVER THAT?
♪ MAKING GRAVY -- ).
I GUESS THE VIDEO'S NSFW.
AT THE CEREMONY ITSELF, BIDEN ENJOYED THEIR NAMES:
>> TWO NAMES I COULDN'T AGREE ON MORE.
WHO BETTER HELP CELEBRATE THE HOLIDAY IN WHICH WE BREAK THE
BREAD FOR TWO TURKEYS NAMED PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY.
>> STEPHEN: HMM, WHAT BETTER WAY TO CELEBRATE THE HOLIDAY THAN
WITH PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY?
EXCEPT MAYBE ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH THANKSGIVING?
DRUMSTICK AND CRANBERRY?
MASHED POTATOES AND STUFFING?
AUNT RITA AND CASUAL RACISM?
( APPLAUSE ) ALSO ON FRIDAY, THE F.D.A. AND
C.D.C. MADE IT OFFICIAL AND ANNOUNCED THAT ALL AMERICAN
ADULTS ARE NOW ELIGIBLE FOR CORONAVIRUS VACCINE BOOSTERS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES, EVERYONE!
COME ON!
TACK TACK!
>> Jon: GET THE THIRD STICK.
>> Stephen: EVERYONE'S GETTING THEIR
THIRD SHOT AND COUNTING.
BY THE END OF THIS PANDEMIC WE'RE ALL GONNA LOOK LIKE
THIS.
THE PICTURE OF HEALTH.
THE MOVE WAS MADE IN PART BECAUSE RATES OF PEOPLE GETTING
BOOSTED WERE SLOWED BY MONTHS OF CONFUSION OVER
COMPLICATED GUIDELINES.
I ACTUALLY DON'T THINK THEY WERE THAT COMPLICATED.
BOOSTERS WERE AVAILABLE FOR PEOPLE OVER THE AGE OF 65
THOSE WITH UNDERLYING MEDICAL CONDITIONS, AND THOSE AT HIGH
RISK OF EXPOSURE AS LONG AS THEY GOT IT IN THE RIGHT ARM FROM THE
HOURS OF MIDNIGHT TO 6AM, TUESDAYS AND THURSDAY, ONLY AT
PARTICIPATING WENDY'S WHILE SUPPLIES LAST.
VOID WHERE PROHIBITED NOW THAT THE BOOSTER HAS FINALLY
BEEN OKAYED, YOU MIGHT WANT TO GET ONE.
CNN'S DR JONATHAN REINER EXPLAINS:
>> I THINK YOU NEED TO ASSESS YOUR OWN VULNERABILITY.
YOU -- IF YOU ARE NOT BOOSTED, YOU ARE NOT FULLY VACCINATED.
>> STEPHEN: WHAT?
WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL US EARLIER.
IT'S LIKE FINDING A LABEL ON A BULLET-PROOF VEST:
WON'T STOP BULLETS.
BUY TWO MORE ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: IT'S NOT RIGHT!
>> Stephen: IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
>> Jon: IT SHOULD WORK.
>> Stephen: NOBODY TOLD US!
THEN, DR REINER WARNED HOLIDAY TRAVELERS TO LEAVE THEIR MASKS
ON AT ALL TIMES: >> AND IF YOU'RE NOT FULLY
VACCINATED, YOU NEED A REALLY GOOD MASK.
WHEN YOU'RE ON AN AIRPLANE, I WOULD SKIP THE SMALL GLASS OF
SODA.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
I'LL SKIP THE SMALL GLASS OF SODA AND GO RIGHT TO THE LITTLE
BOTTLE OF BOURBON.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, THE BIG NEWS ON
FRIDAY WAS THAT, AFTER BEING ACCUSED OF CROSSING STATE LINES,
KILLING TWO PEOPLE, AND WOUNDING ANOTHER LAST YEAR DURING A BLACK
LIVES MATTER PROTEST KYLE RITTENHOUSE WAS ACQUITTED
ON ALL COUNTS.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) OKAY, CARDS ON THE TABLE, I'M
NOT A LEGAL EXPERT, SO I CAN'T TELL YOU WHETHER OR NOT KYLE
RITTENHOUSE BROKE THE LAW, BUT I CAN TELL YOU THIS: IF HE DIDN'T
BREAK THE LAW WE SHOULD CHANGE THE LAWS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT SEEMS TIMBER.
THAT SEEMS SIMPLE.
IF EMILY POST SAID IT WAS PERFECTLY PROPER TO GO TO
THANKSGIVING, DROP TROU AND LEAVE YOUR ASS PRINT IN THE
PUMPKIN PIE, I'D BE LIKE, OKAY, NOT ILLEGAL, BUT THE SYSTEM IS
BROKEN.
SO, RITTENHOUSE WAS FOUND NOT GUILTY, BUT ONLY A COMPLETE
MORON WOULD CELEBRATE THIS TRAGEDY BY MAKING THIS GUY A
HERO.
ENTER...
FLORIDA CONGRESSMAN AND MAN DEMANDING TO KNOW WHY HE'S BEING
KICKED OUT OF THE SWEET SIXTEEN PARTY, MATT GAETZ.
AFTER THE VERDICT, GAETZ TWEETED NOT GUILTY!
OF COURSE, GAETZ HAS A VESTED INTEREST IN JURIES FINDING
PEOPLE NOT GUILTY, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT INVOLVES A 17-YEAR-OLD
CROSSING STATE LINES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TRUE STORY.
IN OTHER NEWS, BABIES.
THEY'RE LIKE PEOPLE, BUT HAPPY.
( LAUGHTER ) THE U.S. BIRTHRATE HAS NOW
DECLINED FOR THE SIXTH STRAIGHT YEAR, WHICH MEANS WE MAY NOT
HAVE ENOUGH POPULATION GROWTH TO KEEP THE FUTURE ECONOMY AFLOAT.
SPECIFICALLY, THE DAYTIME TALK SHOW ECONOMY.
(AS TALK SHOW HOST) YOU ARRRRE, NOT THE FATHER
...BECAUSE YOU OPTED TO USE YOUR THIRTIES TO PURSUE A SECOND
MASTERS.
HEY, GOOD FOR YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE ANTI-BABY TREND LOOKS TO CONTINUE, BECAUSE A RECORD
NUMBER OF ADULTS WHO DON'T HAVE CHILDREN SAY THEY'RE NOT GOING
TO HAVE THEM, ACCORDING TO A SURVEY, WHICH ASKED:
THINKING ABOUT THE FUTURE, HOW LIKELY IS IT THAT YOU WILL HAVE
CHILDREN SOMEDAY?
THAT SURVEY, CONDUCTED BY "THE NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF
MOTHERS-INLAW."
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A FOLLOW-UP ON THEIR
LANDMARK STUDY: WHO'S GOING TO DRIVE ME TO THE
AIRPORT?
( LAUGHTER ) ♪ MOTHER-IN-LAW ♪
WHEN ASKED WHY THEY'RE UNLIKELY TO HAVE KIDS, 56% SAID IT'S
BECAUSE THEY JUST DON'T WANT THEM.
FOR SOME REASON, THESE PEOPLE PREFER SLEEPING, DRINKING, SEX,
EXTRA INCOME, NICE FURNITURE, WEEKEND PLANS, AND HAVING MORE
THAN 30 SECONDS TO POOP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ MOTHER-IN-LAW ♪
♪ MOTHER-IN-LAW ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THAT IS ALL THE PARENTS CLAPPING BECAUSE THEY
KNOW THAT JOKE IS TRUE.
UNSURPRISINGLY, A LOT OF FOLKS ALSO FELT IT WOULD BE TOO
DIFFICULT TO RAISE KIDS BECAUSE OF ECONOMIC OR FINANCIAL REASONS
AND THE SPIRALING COSTS OF CHILD CARE, HEALTH CARE AND EDUCATION.
AND MOST COMPELLING OF ALL, HOW HARD IT IS TO GET THEIR LITTLE
SHOES ON.
(AS DAD) WE'RE ALREADY LATE WHY ARE THERE
SUDDENLY NO BONES IN YOUR BODY?
FORGET IT!
I'LL PUT THEM ON IN THE CAR AND I'LL DRIVE WITH MY FEET!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUESTS ARE ANDREW
GARFIELD AND CHEF JOSEÉ ANDREÉS.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, JUST WHAT IS AN N.F.T.?
WATCH MY SEGMENT ABOUT IT AND I PROMISE, YOU MAY STILL NOT KNOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )