If you're a fan of the first ten minutes
of those movies where everyone in the world dies,
well, then, you're gonna love this next clip.
Federal health officials on high alert
as a new virus emerges out of China.
Over the weekend,
the number of people infected more than tripled.
NEWSWOMAN: The deadly coronavirus
makes its way to the United States.
NEWSWOMAN 2: A man in his 30s diagnosed
five days after returning home to Seattle from Wuhan, China.
NEWSMAN: Tonight, all passengers arriving from Wuhan
will be funneled through five major U.S. airports,
where heightened health screenings
will be in place.
Wash your hands or use a hand sanitizer,
especially before touching your face,
since that's how the virus gets into the body.
"Wash your hands"?
(laughter)
No, here's the thing. Scientists always warn us
about some new, weird death virus,
and when we're like, "What's the plan?"
They're like, "Uh, wash your hands."
That's not a plan.
There's an outbreak, and all you're saying is wash your...
I've never seen a zombie movie where they're like...
(screams) "They're coming! They're coming!"
(screams) "They're coming!
"Okay, we're good. We're good. We're good.
We're good. We're good."
No, but for real, though, you should wash your hands,
because even though the coronavirus
sounds like a hangover you get after Cinco de Mayo,
it's actually a serious respiratory illness
that spreads quickly and can be fatal.
But just, by the way, why does the news
always put up a picture of the disease?
Why do they do that? Like it's a biological mug shot.
Who does this help, huh? They always do this.
Like, no, none of us is walking around with a microscope like,
"Guys, I saw the virus on the way to work.
Let's go out there and smoke this fool."
(laughter)
All right, let's move on to a story involving Jeff Bezos,
Amazon billionaire
and if James Bond were played by a vibrator.
A year ago, Bezos's marriage fell apart
after someone hacked his phone
and revealed that he was having an affair.
And now there's a shocking revelation
about who the hacker might be.
We're learning new details of an extraordinary claim
that Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos' phone
was hacked by Saudi Arabia.
The Guardian reports an investigation
ordered by Bezos blames the hacking
on a personal message that apparently came
from Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman.
NEWSMAN: According to the Financial Times,
the hack's roots trace back to Bezos and bin Salman
exchanging phone numbers in Los Angeles.
Weeks later, says Britain's the Guardian paper,
Bezos and the crown prince were engaged
in a seemingly friendly WhatsApp exchange
when bin Salman sent
an unsolicited malware-infected file.
It's unclear what information was then taken.
Whoa.
They're saying the crown prince of Saudi Arabia
personally hacked Jeff Bezos's phone.
If that's true, that would be very hands-on
for the ruler of a country, you know?
Like, normally, people have someone else do that for them.
Although, I guess it must be hard to hire a hacker
in a country where everyone is also a billionaire prince.
Yeah. It's just like, "As your prince,
I command you to hack Jeff Bezos."
"Well, as your prince, I command you
to get me some potato chips."
"Okay, fine, I'll do it myself."
Seriously, I-I can't imagine any other world leader
micromanaging that much.
'Cause this-this would be like Trump
going down to the border himself to vet immigrants.
Just like, "No. No, no, no.
"No. No. Miguel, no.
"Yes, Lupe. No way, Jose.
(laughs): "Get it? Get it? Get it?
So funny."
And look, I'm not gonna lie.
The fact that Jeff Bezos can get hacked
means that there's no hope for any of us.
I mean, he's the number one tech guy in the world.
It'd be like finding out Mr. Peanut died
from a peanut allergy.
That's the one person it shouldn't happen to.
And I don't know, Saudi Arabia.
Like, you guys messing with the head of Amazon
might be a really bad move.
Yeah. 'Cause Saudi Arabia might be powerful,
but they just pissed off the head of Amazon.
Good luck getting your deliveries now.
Yeah. Yeah. Saudi guys are gonna be like,
"Okay, there was supposed to be a public stoning today,
"uh, but the stones still haven't arrived,
so instead, we're going to use doughnuts from the breakroom."
(grunts) "Did you learn your lesson?"
"Not yet. Not yet."
All right, and finally,
some news from the Democratic primary.
Pete Buttigieg, former South Bend mayor
and glass of skim milk who wished to be a real boy
had a-a moment on the trail
that was a bit of a Jeb Bush "please clap" moment.
NEWSWOMAN: Things are getting just a little awkward
on the campaign trail for Mayor Pete Buttigieg.
So, we're gonna look to you to spread that sense of hope
to those that you know.
Come on! (laughs)
(applause)
(laughter)
Okay, that is super embarrassing.
For two reasons. Firstly,
you should never have to ask an audience
to cheer for you, right? For something you've said.
Am I right, folks?
-(cheering and applause) -(chuckles) What?
What are you doing?
You guys are...
You guys are a bunch of sheep. Am I right?
-(cheering and applause) -(laughs)
Because, like, basically, what Buttigieg there...
Like, you can't ask for the...
That's, like, classic Uber driver.
"You give me five stars, yes? Five stars?"
And secondly, secondly, it's embarrassing
because I've never noticed,
but Pete Buttigieg has a pretty weird laugh.
-Just listen again. -(laughs)
(laughter)
(imitates Buttigieg laughing)
It sounds like Krusty the Clown. That's what it sounds like.
Sounds like if Krusty was running for president.
"Vote for me." (laughs)
I'm not gonna lie.
Pete Buttigieg, if you want to be president,
you need to work on your laugh.
'Cause you don't realize this, but a bad laugh
can totally ruin your image.
I don't care who you are.
♪ ♪
DARTH VADER: This will be a day long remembered.
It has seen the end of Kenobi.
It will soon see the end of the rebellion.
(high-pitched giggle)
I rest my case.