>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT, I'M FLAD TO BE YOUR HOST
TONIGHT, ALL NIGHTS, BUT PARTICULARLY TONIGHT IS AN
HISTORICAM NIGHT IN THE ANNALS OF TELEVISION.
TONIGHT IS THE FIRST NIGHT I AM SITTING DOWN WITH A GUEST IN
PERSON "THE LATE SHOW"" AND WHO ELSE DO YOU WANT TO
BREAK THAT SEAL WITH BUT PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA.
THAT'S RIGHT, BARACK OBAMA, MY GUEST TONIGHT.
THREE ACTS?
THREE ACTS OF BARACK OBAMA.
AND YOU GO, "IS THAT-- SEEMS LIKE A LONG TIME"
NO, IT'S NOT.
YOU CAN'T BELIEVE HOW QUICKLY IT FLIES.
FIRST ACT, OBVIOUSLY, JUST FRIENDS HANGING OUT.
POWER PACKED THOUGH, AND REALLY SUBSTANTIVE.
NEXT ACT WE'RE GOING TO MOVE SOME PAPER.
WE'RE GOG SELL SOME BOOKS.
SUPER FUN AT THE SAME TIME.
THEN THE THIRD ACT, WE PLAY BASKETBALL.
THAT'S HISTORIC.
THAT IS AN HISTORIC GAME.
WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE THE RESULTS.
AND, YES, THERE WAS SOME WAGERING.
ANYWAY, HOW MANY QUESTIONS DID I GET IN?
>> THREE.
>> Stephen: THREE QUESTIONS, 20 MINUTES.
HE WAS VERY GRACIOUS.
THANK YOU AGAIN, MR. PRESIDENT, FOR SITTING DOWN WITH US.
YOU KNOW WHO HE IS MARRIED TO, THAT MICHELLE OBAMA.
THAT WOULD BE A GREAT GUEST.
THAT, THAT WOULD BE A GREAT GUEST.
NOT THAT HE'S NOT A GOOD GUEST.
HE'S A GREAT GUEST, BUT EVERYBODY LOVES HER.
EVERYBODY LOVES HER.
I'M ALSO JOINING YOU ON-- IS THAT TOO LONG A PAUSE?
I WAS JUST INSPIRED BY THE PRESIDENT.
IT WAS AN OBAMA-ESQUE PAUSE.
I'M ALSO JOINING YOU ON AN HISTORIC DAY FOR FANS OF
CAPITALISM, BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, THE DOW HIT
30,000.
WOW!
THAT IS IS... SO MANY OF THEM.
OF THE DOW... POWNTS?
IS IT DOW POINTS.
DOWELLINGS.
IS IT DOW DROPS.
DOW UNITS.
30,000 DOWS, DOWELLINGS.
LET ME PUT IT IN LEHMAN'S TERMS.
IF YOU PUT ALL 30,000 OF THOSE DOW POINTS END TO END, IT WOULD
STRETCH ALL THE WAY TO THE S&P 500.
I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.
I THINK EACH DOW IS LIKE A TICKET AT CHUCK E.
CHEESE.
WHEN IT WAS AT 25,000, AMERICA COULD GET A STUFFED BUNNY.
NOW WE'RE AT 30,000, AND WE COULD GO FOR THE BEAR OR THE BIG
LION, OR THE FULL-SIZED FOOTBALL.
ANYWAY, WHATEVER THEY ARE, IT'S A LOT OF THEM.
SO, TO EVERYONE WHO WORKS ON WALL STREET, CONGRATULATIONS.
AND TO EVERYONE WHO DOESN'T WORK ON WALL STREET, GOOD LUCK WITH
THAT.
NEVER ONE TO PASS UP AN OPPORTUNITY TO GLOAT FOR
SOMETHING HE'S NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR, THE PRESIDENT HELD AN
IMPROMPTU PRESS CONFERENCE TO CONGRATULATE HIMSELF FOR THE
DOW JONES NUMBERS GOING BIG ON THE MONEY CHART.
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH, AND I JUST WANT TO CONGRATULATE
EVERYBODY.
THE STOCK MARKET, DOW JONES INDUSTRIAL AVERAGE JUST HIT
30,000, WHICH IS THE HIGHEST IN HISTORY.
THE STOCK MARKET'S JUST BROKEN 30,000, NEVER BEEN BROKEN, THAT
NUMBER.
THAT IS A SACRED NUMBER, 30,000.
>> Stephen: YES, A SACRED NUMBER.
AS JESUS HIMSELF SAID, "BLESSED BE THE NUMBER 30,000, FOR, MAN,
THAT'S A LOT OF WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE COUNTING.
SHEEP?
WHAT ELSE DO WE OWN AROUND HERE?
NOTHING."
GOTTA BE SHEEP.
THEN, JUST ONE MINUTE AND 15 SECONDS AFTER THE PRESS
CONFERENCE STARTED, IT TURNED OUT IT WASN'T A PRESS
CONFERENCE.
IT WAS JUST A BRAG 'N DASH, BECAUSE HE LEFT WITHOUT TAKING
ANY QUESTIONS.
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU.
(CROSSTALK) (REPORTERS SHOUTING QUESTIONS)
>> MR. PRESIDENT-- >> MR. PRESIDENT--
>> SIR, WHY NOT... FOR THE GOOD OF THE COUNTRY, SIR.
( BLEEP ) >> Stephen: STIRRING WORDS THAT
SOMEDAY, NO DOUBT, WILL GRACE THE FACADE OF HIS PRESIDENTIAL
LIBRARY.
THIS WAS A RARE POTUS SIGHTING.
SINCE THE ELECTION, HE'S MADE FEW PUBLIC APPEARANCES.
HE KNOWS THAT IF HE COMES OUT OF HIS BUNKER AND SEES HIS SHADOW,
HE'LL ONLY HAVE SIX MORE WEEKS OF PRESIDENT.
BUT TODAY, HE HAD A PRESSING MATTER OF NATIONAL SECURITY: THE
ANNUAL TURKEY PARDON.
THIS YEAR'S STAR TURKEYS WERE NAMED CORN AND COB.
WE HAVE SOME FOOTAGE OF THEM ARRIVING IN D.C. FOR THEIR BIG
DAY.
HERE THEY ARE ARRIVING AT THE ICONIC WILLARD HOTEL, GREETING
THEIR THRONGS OF FANS, AND THEN RELAXING IN SOME PLUSH BEDS,
WHERE THEY ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR PRIVILEGE DURING AN EXPLODING
HOMELESS CRISIS.
OUR SOON-TO-BE FORMER LEADER MADE IT CLEAR HOW FORTUNATE THE
PARDONED BIRD WAS.
>> NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE MOMENT OF OUR GUESTS OF HONOR.
THEY HAVE BEEN WAITING.
AND, IN THIS CASE, HE HAS BEEN WAITING FOR THIS.
BRING THEM OUT.
LOOK AT THAT BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL BIRD.
OH, SO LUCKY.
THAT IS A LUCKY BIRD.
>> Stephen: YES, IT'S A LUCKY, LUCKY BIRD... TO HAVE A BETTER
LEGAL TEAM THAN THE PRESIDENT.
THEN HE SAID THE WORDS THAT SO MANY WHO HAVE WORKED FOR THIS
ADMINISTRATION HAVE LONGED TO HEAR:
>> I HEREBY GRANT YOU A FULL PARDON.
>> Stephen: THERE YOU HAVE IT-- AN INNOCENT TURKEY PARDONED BY A
LAME DUCK.
AND HE JUST GOT A LITTLE BIT LAMER BECAUSE LAST NIGHT, THE
GENERAL SERVICES ADMINISTRATION FINALLY DECLARED THAT BIDEN CAN
BEGIN HIS TRANSITION.
HIS TRANSITION, EVEN THOUGH THE CURRENT PRESIDENT STILL HASN'T
CONCEDED, AND HE'S NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EXCITING INSTALLMENT
OF...
( TO TUNE OF "JINGLE BELLS" )
SCREW YOURSELF ♪ I WON'T GO AWAY ♪
>> "THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE."
>> Stephen: WHEN THINGS GO WRONG FOR THE PRESIDENT, HE LOOKS DEEP
INSIDE AND TRIES TO UNDERSTAND WHO HE'S GOING TO BLAME.
IN THIS CASE, THE NEEDLE LANDED ON HIS PERSONAL ATTORNEY AND
BILBO POSSESSED BY THE ONE RING, RUDY GIULIANI.
AFTER RUDY'S DISASTROUS PRESS CONFERENCE LAST WEEK, AIDES SAY
THE PRESIDENT STARTED TO WORRY THAT HIS LEGAL TEAM "IS COMPOSED
OF FOOLS THAT ARE MAKING HIM LOOK BAD."
NO, SIR, THAT'S YOUR HAIR AND MAKEUP TEAM.
BUT ONE OF THE KEY CONFIDENCE KILLERS COULD HAVE BEEN WHEN
RUDY HAD THIS LITERAL MELTDOWN.
EVEN IF IT'S CLOSE TO THANKSGIVING, THE PRESIDENT
DOESN'T WANT A LAWYER WHO MAKES HIS OWN GRAVY.
NOW, IT MAY BE HARD TO IMAGINE, BUT RUDY WASN'T ALWAYS THE TROLL
LIVING UNDER AMERICA'S BRIDGE.
JUST 18 YEARS AGO, HE WAS ALMOST UNIVERSALLY HAILED AS A NATIONAL
HERO.
IN FACT, THIS MORNING, THE INTERNET UPCHUCKED A NEWLY
REDISCOVERED CLIP OF A 2003 RUDY BIOPIC FEATURING ACTOR AND GUY
ON THE SUBWAY WHO KEEPS MENTIONING THE SEAT NEXT TO HIM
IS FREE, JAMES WOODS.
WOODS-- 1600 ON HIS S.A.T.s, JUST ASK HIM AND HE'LL TELL
YOU-- UNIRONICALLY PORTRAYED GIULIANI AS A ROMANTIC IDEALIST.
HERE'S JUST A TASTE.
>> THAT'S WHAT MY FATHER TAUGHT ME.
MY DAD AND MY OTHER HEROES: WINSTON CHURCHILL, BOBBY KENNEDY
>> DEMOCRATS.
>> AS I ONCE WAS.
>> WHY'D YOU SWITCH?
>> YOU KNOW, DEMOCRATS ALWAYS TALKED ABOUT THINGS GETTING
BETTER.
REPUBLICANS DID WHATEVER THEY COULD TO MAKE THEM BETTER.
THAT'S WHAT WE'RE HERE FOR, RIGHT?
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: THEY WOULD HAVE PAID
FOR BETTER WRITING, BUT THEY BLEW THE WHOLE BUDGET ON THAT
WINDOWS 98 SCREENSAVER OF THE OCEAN BEHIND HIM.
NOW, THE ACTUAL TITLE OF THAT MOVIE IS "RUDY: THE RUDY
GIULIANI STORY."
SEEMS A LITTLE REDUNDANT, BUT THEN AGAIN, ALL THE BEST MOVIES
DRIVE HOME THEIR SUBJECT MATTER.
THAT'S WHY MY FAVORITE MOVIE IS "STAR WARS: A STAR WARS STORY."
WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THAT SCENE IS HOW REALISTICALLY IT PORTRAYS
THE ROMANCE OF TALKING ABOUT REPUBLICAN POLICY RIGHT BEFORE
YOU MAKE OUT.
HOLLYWOOD DOES IT ALL THE TIME IN LOVE SCENES:
>> I'M ALSO JUST A GIRL, STANDING IN FRONT OF A BOY,
ASKING HIM TO TAKE AWAY-- >> HER BODILY AUTONOMY.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ HOLY INFANT SO ♪
>> YOU COMPLETE ME.
I'M NOT JUST-- >> SHUT UP.
JUST SHUT UP.
YOU HAD ME AT-- >> OPPORTUNITY ZONES.
>> Stephen: I GOT ALL TEARED UP THERE.
SO, WITH THE PRESIDENT DISTANCING HIMSELF
FROM THE NATIONAL EMBARRASSMENT THAT IS RUDY GIULIANI, HE'S
LOOKING TO ALIGN HIMSELF WITH A MORE REPUTABLE FIGURE: ACTOR AND
GUY IN THE MARKET FOR A USED WATERBED, RANDY QUAID.
QUAID, OF COURSE, IS MOST FAMOUS FOR TRYING TO ERECT A RANDY
QUAID MUSEUM, OR CLAIMING HE'S "ON THE RUN" FROM A
CELEBRITY-KILLING ORGANIZATION CALLED THE "HOLLYWOOD STAR
WHACKERS," OR SHOWING UP IN COURT WEARING A SHERIFF'S BADGE,
OR POSTING DISTURBING SEX TAPES IN WHICH HE AND HIS WIFE ARE
HAVING INTERCOURSE BELOW A PICTURE OF RUPERT MURDOCH.
OBVIOUSLY, RANDY'S A BUSY GUY-- BARELY HAS TIME TO BUY AND SELL
URINE ON CRAIGSLIST.
AND, TURNS OUT, QUAID HAS BEEN A LONGTIME MAGA MAN, AND THIS
MORNING, THE PRESIDENT REPAID HIS LOYALTY BY RETWEETING
SEVERAL OF RANDY QUAID'S POLITICAL OPINIONS SUCH AS THIS
ONE: "WE'VE LOST CONFIDENCE IN THE
SYSTEM THAT ELECTS OUR LEADERS.
79 MILLION AMERICANS BELIEVE ELECTION WAS RIGGED, THE RESULTS
FRAUDULENT.
WE NEED AN IN-PERSON-ONLY PAPER BALLOT RE-VOTE, ESPECIALLY IN
THE STATES WHERE FLAGRANT IRREGULARITIES HAVE OCCURRED.
NO ACCURACY, NO DEMOCRACY!" TO WHICH THE PRESIDENT ADDED
"ARE YOU LISTENING, REPUBLICANS?"
NO.
THE ONLY PERSON LISTENING TO RANDY QUAID IS HIS THERAPIST,
WHICH, UNFORTUNATELY, IS AN OLD BOOT HE PUT A HAT ON.
QUAID ALSO GOT A RETWEET TODAY FROM THE PRESIDENT FOR HIS
AWARD-WINNING PRO-ADMINISTRATION MONOLOGUE FROM LAST YEAR.
>> IS THIS THE WAY AMERICA GOES?
FROM GEORGE WASHINGTON TO GEORGE SOROS?
WAKE UP, YOU SLEEPING GIANT.
THE LILLIPUTIANS THAT TIE YOU DOWN WITH THEIR FANTASTIC DREAMS
OF ICEBERGS MELTING INTO DINOSAURS AND TRAIN TRACKS
STRETCHING ACROSS THE PACIFIC WATERS.
TRUMP TRUMPETS REVELING, AND IT'S TIME TO HEED THE CALL.
>> Stephen: "THANK YOU, MR. QUAID, BUT THIS IS AN AUDITION
FOR A PROCESSED BEEF STICK.
SO IF YOU COULD JUST SNAP INTO THE SLIM JIM AND NOT MENTION THE
TRILATERAL COMMISSION."
THAT WOULD BE GREAT."
THAT'S THE MORE TONED-DOWN OF THE TWO RANDY QUAID MONOLOGUES
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES RETWEETED TODAY.
HERE'S THE BANANAS ONE: >> FOX NEWS DAYTIME RATINGS HAVE
COMPLETELY COLLAPSED, WEEKEND DAYTIME, EVEN WORSE.
VERY SAD TO WATCH THIS HAPPEN.
THEY FORGOT WHAT MADE THEM SUCCESSFUL, WHAT GOT THEM THERE.
THEY FORGOT THE GOLDEN GOOSE.
>> Stephen: I BELIEVE HE'S USING WHAT'S KNOWN AS "MOOD
LIGHTING."
THE MOOD?
PEYOTE BENDER.
AS CRAZY AS THAT LAST VIDEO IS, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, QUAID WAS
JUST GIVING A DRAMATIC READING OF A TWEET FROM THE PRESIDENT.
SO, A CRAZY GUY RETWEETED ANOTHER CRAZY GUY PERFORMING THE
FIRST CRAZY GUY'S CRAZY TWEET.
IT'S A MOBIUS MESS.
IT'S LIKE WATCHING TWO TODDLERS TRY TO CHANGE EACH
OTHER'S DIAPERS, BUT SOMEHOW, IT'S EVEN MORE FULL OF CRAP.
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST, IN CASE I HAVEN'T MENTIONED IT, IS PRESIDENT
BARACK OBAMA.
STICK AROUND.