WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY.
HAPPY MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY, IN WHICH WE HONOR DR. KING'S DREAM:
50% OFF AT NORDSTROM'S.
( LAUGHTER ) I JUST WANT TO START OFF TONIGHT
BY JUST SAYING, IN THE WORDS OF MARTIN LUTHER KING,
"DID Y'ALL SEE THE GAMES LAST NIGHT?"
THERE'S NO WAY HE DIDN'T SAY THAT AT SOME POINT.
HE HAD TO HAVE.
>> Jon: AT SOME POINT ABOUT SOME GAME.
>> Stephen: I'LL SAY ONE THING ABOUT THE GAME LAST NIGHT, I
KNOW I SEEM LIKE A JOCK -- ( LAUGHTER )
THAT GOT A QUICKER LAUGH THAN I HOPED.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I DIDN'T
SEE THE GAMES LAST NIGHT AND I STILL KIND OF SAW THE GAMES LAST
NIGHT BECAUSE THE NUMBER OF TIMES I'VE SEEN THIS, SAINTS
RECEIVER OPEN IN THE RED ZONE.
ANNNNND BLAMMO!
RAMS DEFENDER LAYS HIM OUT!
BLATANT PASS INTERFERENCE I HAVE BEEN TOLD.
>> Jon: WHERE WAS THE REF?
>> Stephen: WHERE WAS THE REF, I HAVE BEEN TOLD TO SAY?
( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE BEEN ASSURED THAT'S THE
THING YOU YELL AT THIS SITUATION.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: JOHN, HELMET TO HELMET.
>> Jon: RIGHT.
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT.
>> Stephen: NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT.
THAT'S WHAT I WAS TOLD.
( LAUGHTER ) HAD THE REF THROWN THE FLAG,
GAME OVER, SAINTS GO TO THE SUPER BOWL, NEW ORLEANS IS ONE
GIANT PARTY.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: BUT -- BUT THE REF DIDN'T.
SAINTS LOST.
NEW ORLEANS IS ONE GIANT PARTY ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: THAT'S TRUE.
>> Stephen: SO SORRY, JON.
>> Jon: I COULD TASTE IT.
>> Stephen: YOU COULD TASTE THE VICTORY GUMBO!
( LAUGHTER ) THAT WAS TOUGH.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: BUT YOU KNOW WHO'S REALLY TOUGH?
THE MEMBERS OF MY AUDIENCE, WHO WAITED OUTSIDE FOR AN HOUR.
THE WEATHER'S IN SINGLE DIGITS AND I THINK IT'S THIS ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S WHAT OLD MAN WENTER IS
DOING RIGHT NOW.
THIS WEEKEND IT WAS LIKE 48 DEGREES JUST LIKE YESTERDAY.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND WE'RE ALL MINDING OUR BUSINESS LIKE A
SAINTS RECEIVER, THEN OUT OF NOWHERE A COLD FRONT SWEEPS IN,
BLAMO!
>> Jon: OH, NO!
>> Stephen: A WEATHER METAPHOR THIS TIME.
>> Jon: I LIKE THAT.
I LOVE FOOTBALL.
SUPER BOWL'S ON CBS.
( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF THINGS THAT MAKE YOU
SCREAM AT YOUR TV: DONALD TRUMP.
( LAUGHTER ) IT IS DAY 31 OF THE TRUMP
SHUTDOWN.
EASY TO REMEMBER: "30 DAYS HATH SEPTEMBER, APRIL, JUNE, AND
NOVEMBER.
AND IF ALL THE MONEY HATH BEEN SPENT, JANUARY HAS NO
GOVERNMENT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THAT'S HOW IT GOES.
800,000 GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES HAVE EITHER BEEN FURLOUGHED OR
FORCED TO WORK WITHOUT PAY, TRUMP HASN'T FORGOTTEN THEM,
TWEETING, "TO ALL OF THE GREAT PEOPLE WHO ARE WORKING SO
HARD FOR YOUR COUNTRY AND NOT GETTING PAID I SAY, THANK YOU -
YOU ARE GREAT PATRIOTS!" THEY'RE NOT VOLUNTEERING TO WORK
FOR FREE.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU MADE THEM BY SHUTTING DOWN
THE GOVERNMENT.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE TWEETED, "THANK YOU, GREAT
PATRIOTS.
PLEASE ACCEPT THIS TWEET IN LIEU OF PAYCHECK.
QUICK TIP: TELL YOUR LANDLORD MEXICO'S GOING TO PAY YOUR
RENT."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
>> Stephen: HELMET TO HELMET.
>> Jon: HELMET TO HELMET!
>> Stephen: ON SATURDAY, TRUMP WENT ON THE TV AND HE MADE AN
OFFER THAT HE WAS SURE EVERYONE WOULD LOVE.
>> BY INCORPORATING THE PRIORITIES OF RANK-AND-FILE
DEMOCRATS IN OUR PLAN, WE HOPE THEY WILL OFFER THEIR
ENTHUSIASTIC SUPPORT.
AND I THINK MANY WILL.
THIS IS A COMMONSENSE COMPROMISE BOTH PARTIES SHOULD
EMBRACE.
>> STEPHEN: A WORD OF WARNING TO RANK-AND-FILE DEMOCRATS: TRUMP'S
EMBRACE CAN BE KIND OF AWKWARD.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT
THAT EMBRACE.
HE -- ( PIANO RIFF )
>> Stephen: SPECIFICALLY, IN EXCHANGE FOR THE BORDER WALL,
"TRUMP OFFERED TO RESTORE DACA AND T.P.S.
PROTECTIONS FOR THREE YEARS."
WHICH IS A WEIRD OFFER SINCE THEY'RE PROTECTIONS THAT HE
HIMSELF TOOK AWAY.
"OKAY, HERE'S THE OFFER: YOU KNOW THOSE TWO HOSTAGES I TOOK?
GIVE ME THE CASH AND I'LL GIVE YOU THE HOSTAGES... TEMPORARILY
THEN I GET THEM BACK."
( LAUGHTER ) DEMOCRATS SOMEHOW DIDN'T FALL
FOR IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: COME ON, NOW!
>> Stephen: HOW DID THEY NOT?
( LAUGHTER ) SO YOU WANT TO RUB THE STEAK
SAUCE ON MY OWN HEAD AND I PUT MY OWN HEAD IN THE ALLIGATOR'S
MOUTH.
NO THANK YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) IN FACT, SPEAKER PELOSI REJECTED
THE DEAL BEFORE THE PRESIDENT EVEN ANNOUNCED IT.
SHE SAID "NO" BEFORE TRUMP EVEN ASKED.
A MOVE KNOWN IN WASHINGTON AS "THE MELANIA."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOT EVERYONE IMMEDIATELY
REJECTED THE PRESIDENT'S PROPOSAL, AND TRUMP MADE SURE
WE KNEW IT.
ON SUNDAY, HE RETWEETED 14 LAWMAKERS, ALL OF WHOM WERE
GUSHING OVER HIS AMAZING OFFER.
THEY'RE BASICALLY PAID AUDIENCE MEMBERS IN AN INFOMERCIAL.
♪ ♪
"SO YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT TRUMP'S PLAN ENDS THE SHUTDOWN
SECURES THE BORDER, AND MAKES THE FRESHEST GUACAMOLE I'LL EVER
TASTE?
MMM!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERING ) ALL FOR ONE EASY PAYMENT OF
$5.7 BILLION?
I'M CALLING NOW!" I THINK THAT CHIP HAD SOFTENED
UP A LITTLE BIT IN THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) TO HELP MAKE HIS CASE, TRUMP
EVEN WOKE UP VICE PRESIDENT AND MAN WISHING THE DOGS AT THE DOG
PARK WOULD PUT ON SOME DAMN PANTS, MIKE PENCE.
PENCE WENT ON "FACE THE NATION" THE DAY BEFORE MARTIN LUTHER
KING DAY TO MAKE THIS VERY TASTEFUL COMPARISON --
>> ONE OF MY FAVORITE QUOTES FROM DOCTOR KING WAS, "NOW IS
THE TIME TO MAKE REAL THE PROMISES OF DEMOCRACY.
YOU THINK OF HOW HE CHANGED AMERICA.
HE INSPIRED US TO CHANGE THROUGH THE LEGISLATIVE PROCESS TO
BECOME A MORE PERFECT UNION.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT PRESIDENT TRUMP IS CALLING ON THE CONGRESS
TO DO ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> Stephen: MIKE, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT US TO JUDGE TRUMP
ON THE CONTENT OF HIS CHARACTER?
HE PUTS A LOT OF EFFORT INTO THE COLOR OF HIS SKIN, WHATEVER THAT
IS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BEACHED JELLYFISH.
UNCOOKED CALAMARI.
ALSO, M.L.K. WEIGHED IN ON BORDER WALLS WHEN HE VISITED
EAST BERLIN AND SAID: "FOR HERE ON EITHER SIDE OF THE WALL ARE
GOD'S CHILDREN AND NO MAN-MADE BARRIER CAN OBLITERATE THAT
FACT."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: COME ON!
YES!
>> Stephen: THAT'S LOVELY.
TO WHICH TRUMP REPLIED, "HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT STEEL
SLATS.
PLUS, WALLS WORK.
YOU NEVER SEE A MEXICAN IN WEST GERMANY."