WE LEARN TO COPE SCORE AT
AN EARLY AGE WHETHER IT IS
BOARD GAME OR WHO CAN GET THE
BIGGEST PIECE OF CAKE.
IN TODAY'S RELATIONSHIP
REBOOT WE ARE FINDING OUT HOW
KEEPING SCORE IN A MARRIAGE OR
RELATIONSHIP CAN HURT OR DOOM
IT.
WE ARE OUR RELATIONSHIP GURU
HERE TODAY.
KEEPING SCORE IS SOMETHING YOU
NATURALLY WANT TO DO.
FROM THE TIME WE CAN
REMEMBER WE ARE LOOKING OUT FOR
FAIRNESS AND JUSTICE.
ESPECIALLY WHEN WE END UP WITH
THE SMALLER PIECE OF CAKE.
SIBLINGS FIGHT ABOUT WHO SITS
IN THE FRONT SEAT.
IT IS A NATURAL WAY OF BEING.
WHAT ARE SOME WAYS WE KEEP
SCORE WITHOUT REALIZING IT.
ONE THING I SEE WHEN I WORK
WITH COUPLES WITH A CONFRONT IS
ABOUT YOU DID THE BLAH-BLAH-
BLAH AND LEFT THE DISHES IN THE
SINK OVERNIGHT.
THE REACTION IS OH, YEAH WELL
YOU DIDN'T CLEAN OUT THE
BATHTUB THE OTHER DAY.
IT IS LIKE A BACK AND FORTH.
IT IS LIKE TENNIS.
IT DOESN'T END WELL.
THESE THINGS DO MATTER EVEN
IF YOU ARE NOT KEEPING SCORE.
ARE THERE WAYS PEOPLE NAVIGATE
THAT THEY ARE NOT KEEPING
SCORE?
ONE THING THAT'S IMPORTANT
IS TO HAVE A CONVERSATION.
THERE IS A BALANCE IN THE
RELATIONSHIP.
YOU ARE THE ONE TAKING OUT THE
GARBAGE OR SEEING IN-LAWS.
PICKING UP THE KIDS.
THOSE THINGS ARE REAL.
YOU PICK YOUR MOMENT AND YOU
SAY SO, I'M HAVING AN ISSUE
HERE.
I WANT TO BRING IT UP.
IS THIS A GOOD TIME?
SAY I'M FEELING A LIABILITY
LIKE I'LL DOING TOO MUCH.
IT IS WHEN IT GETS FLIPPED
BACK.
WHAT HAPPENS IS YOU ARE PUTTING
YOURSELVES AGAINST EACH OTHER
INSTEAD OF THINKING OF YOURSELF
AS A TEAM.
IT IS THAT LARGER IDEA OF WHAT
IS RELATIONSHIP MEANS THAT'S
IMPORTANT.
THIS IS ONE OF THE FAILINGS
I HAD IN THE EARLIER YEARS IN
MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY WIFE.
WHEN WE WOULD GET IN AN
ARGUMENT SHE WOULD BRING UP
SOMETHING NINE TIMES OUT OF TEN
VALID.
I WOULD RESPOND LIKE TURNING IT
AROUND LIKE IT WAS HER FAULT.
I HAVE HAD TO LEARN TO JUST
LISTEN AND TAKE IT.
THAT'S KIND OF WHAT WE ARE
GETTING AT HERE.
YOU ARE PRACTICING BEING NON-
DEFENSIVE.
THE I -- STATEMENTS VERSUS
YOU.
I FEEL LIKE IT IS ENGRAINED IN
YOU.
WHEN SOMEBODY SAYS YOU DID
THIS.
YOUR IMMEDIATE REACTION IS TO
WANT TO POINT A FINGER BACK.
YOU SAY I FELT OVERWHELMED BY
ALL THE STUFF I HAD TO DO TO
CLEAN THE HOUSE FOR EASTER.
I FELT LIKE YOU DIDN'T HELP
MUCH.
AT LEASE YOU -- LEAST YOU ARE
SAYING HOW YOU FELT.
YOUR SPOUSE HAS THE OPTION TO
SAY WELL, I DIDN'T MEAN IT.
I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WERE DOING
EVERYTHING.
BOTTOM LINE IS?
SCORE KEEPING IS NOT A GOOD
IDEA.
I CALL IT GENEROSITY OF SPIRIT
WHEN WE THINK EVENTUALLY THINGS
WILL EVEN OUT IN THE END.
YEAR-AGO WHEN MY HUSBAND AND I
WERE FIRST MARRIED WE WERE VERY
POOR AND ARGUING ABOUT
GROCERIES.
WE WOULD BUY SEPARATE THINGS.
HE WOULD BUY A LOT.
I WOULD BUY MORE OFTEN AND
FEWER.
THINK THOUGHT HE WAS PAYING
MORE FOR GROCERIES.
WE SPENT A MONTH AND ADDED UP
RECEIPTS.
HE WAS SPENDING A LITTLE BIT
MORE LIKE TEN BUCKS.