-Summer Transfer Predictions 2023!
Number one -Say hello to my little friend
Jude Bellingham! -Ha, sorry Trent, we couldn’t afford Jude
-What? Well who’s going to go with me to Chris Brown concerts?
-The much more affordable World Cup winner Alexis Mac Allister!
-Sorry Jurgen, the transfer budget wouldn’t stretch that far so went with a cheaper option.
-Cheaper option? -Kevin Mac Allister on a free!
-Keep the change you filthy animal -Oh come on, his little legs are even
smaller than Harvey Elliott’s. -And he’s going to get lost
every time we fly to away games. -Don’t worry guys - there’s still some
cash for those other two midfielders you wanted! -Boom! We’ll see you in a few days everyone…
-Lionel, we want you back….but we have a wage issue
-Can’t you just pull another “economic” lever? -We need those funds
for referee issues. Would you accept 50 euros a week?
-50 Euros a week? I’m Barcelona’s greatest ever player.
And I’ve just won the World Cup! -How about 50 Euros a week and we give
you the naming rights to the stadium? -The Leo Messi Camp Nou?
-Yes. But only after the year 3000. We have sold the rights till then to pay
for our, other “referee issues”... -The ones you got caught for?
-The ones we got caught for -Forget it. I’m off to Saudi Arabia. Just me
and my bisht. Hey Siri, hang up. -Shit. Free Transfer Plan B…
Roberto, great to hear that you are free and have accepted our wage offer!
-Si Senor -And if you are crap,
we can always do another Aubameyang and sell you to Chelsea for a massive profit
-What? -Er, nothing
-Ladies and gentlemen, Jude Bellingham! -Jude Bellingham? More like Judas Bellingham!
-Security! -See you in the
Champions League at Anfield, Judas! -Poor guy. He just can’t stop
losing to Real Madrid. -Carlo! One last dance?
-SECURITY!!!
-Wankors!
-Great news, Thomas! I’ve signed a new striker
who can finally replace Robert Lewandowski -I hope it’s not another Premier League player,
the last two have been more poo than the contents of my bowels.
-He is from the Premier League - Oh please not Kai Havertz,
please not Kai Havertz… -TADA!!!!!
-Harry Kane? -Member of the British Empire!
-Ja! If you need a hand unpacking your trophy collection,
let me know. Pfft. -Thanks Thomas!
I’m keen to settle in quickly so where’s Leroy Sane so I can punch him in the face
-100m well spent! -I hope you have enough money left to sign me
-And me! -We do, but we’re not going to.
Harry, go and punch them in the face -I’ll go and punch them in the face! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Our second new midfielder is absolutely amazing. He can cross it like De Bruyne, pick a pass like
De Bruyne and score free kicks like De Bruyne -Is it Kevin de Bruyne?
-No Trent, it’s you! -What?
-And the best part is, he’s totally free! -This isn’t a signing….
-Don’t worry Trent, we aren’t done midfielding shopping yet!!!
-Breaking News, Manchester United’s Qatari takeover is complete! Get in!
-Let’s head to Old Trafford for some breaking transfers!
-Breaking transfers?! GET IN !
-Thanks to Sheikh Jassim and his totally legit funding, we can welcome Kylian Mbappe to the club!
-Bonjour! Get in!
-And Neymar Jnr -Argh!
-GET IN!!! -And Harry Kane
-GLORY GLORY MAN UNITED! -BOOMSHAKALAK!!
-And the jewel in the crown, Jude Bellingham!
-Alright -Somebody pinch me, I must be dreaming!
-Ow! What? I WAS BLOODY DREAMING! OH, AND IT WAS A WET ONE TOO! MARK,
YOU BLOODY PRAT! -Breaking news, the Glazers are
not selling Manchester United! -What?
-And they’ve moved quickly to renew Wout Weghort’s loan deal!
-What? -And are in talks to re-sign Ronaldo from Al Nassr
-What?!!! Bloody prats! -This coming after a 10 year
contract extension for David De Gea -GET IN! Well done United!
-So our first new signing is a big hitter! -He’s a flair player, Brazilian and he’s sure
to make a huge impact for us -Neymar!
-No, Raphinha -Oh, come on.
I’m going to send the PSG Ultras to your house, whoever you are!
-That’s it Declan, just sign here. £100 million, what a bargain
-Just wait a minute there, Mikel. We’ve outbid you to the tune
of 300 million Great British Pounds! -No thanks. I’d rather stay at West Ham.
-What? -To be fair,
I’d rather sign for Wrexham -What? You cannot be serious!
Screw-you A-hole -Quick, sign here…
before Pep Guardiola tries to buy you to sit on the bench with Kalvin Phillips
-Okay, full disclosure, it turns out we have no budget at all for another midfielder…
-What? -But don’t worry Trent,
we’ve renewed Arthur Melo’s loan! -Right that’s it, I’m off to Real
Madrid -NO!
WHY ALWAYS REAL MADRID?!
ARGH!
-Hi Mr. Pochettino, it’s Todd! -Hola Todd
-I know you wanted Rice, Kane and Son - but Todd Boehly Knows best so I’ve just spent 300 mill on
Estupinan, Welbeck and Pascal Gross Hello? Hello? Mr. Pochettino? Mr Pochettino.
-Our second summer signing will be another big hitter.
Another flair player, an absolute magician and great with set pieces
-Thank you, thank you! -Er, not on your wages and not with your workrate.
-He meant me! -What? He said great with set pieces.
-I meant James Maddison hahaha -Howay the toon!
-Damn. Then I guess I’ll have to go to play in actual Saudi Arabia…
-How the mighty have fallen -As they say Life’s a bisht - hahahah