>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST IS A COMEDIAN AND
ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM HER STAND-UP SPECIALS, "STAR TREK:
DISCOVERY," AND "ARMY OF THE DEAD."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW, TIG NOTARO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: HEY, TIG.
HI, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> GOOD TO SEE YOU.
>> Stephen: HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?
GOOD.
>> Stephen: YOUR TWINS WERE ABOUT TO TURN FIVE WHEN YOU WERE
HERE IN MAY.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AND WE'VE HAD FIVE-YEAR-OLD CHRISTMAS WITH
THEM WHICH IS A SWEET SPOT FOR CHRISTMAS.
HOUSE OF CHRISTMAS WITH THE KIDS THIS YEAR?
>> IT WAS REALLY GREAT.
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE TWINS, BUT THEY'RE VERY DIFFERENT.
LIKE, MY SON MAX IS LIKE A 60-YEAR-OLD MAN, BUT HE CAME IN
AND TOLD MY WIFE STEPHANIE, HE WALKED IN THE ROOM AND HE WAS
LIKE, OH...
OH...
AND SHE SAID, WHAT IS IT, MAX?
AND HE SAID, I WANTED TO DO A BELLY FLOP ON THE COUCH, AND I
KNOW I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO, HE SAID, BUT I'M AFRAID I'VE ENDED
UP ON THE NAUGHTY LIST.
( LAUGHTER ) HE SAID, I DID IT, AND IT FELT
SO GOOD!
( LAUGHTER ) AND HE SAID, UM, IF I SEND UP
GETTING COAL, CAN I STILL PLAY WITH IT?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WOW!
MAKING THE BEST OF IT.
>> YEAH.
SO HE AND HIS BROTHER FINN WERE LIKE -- FINN WAS LIKE, YEAH, WE
COULD PLAY HOPSCOTCH WITH IT.
( LAUGHTER ) OR THEY WERE JUST COMING UP WITH
ALL DIFFERENT THINGS THAT THEY COULD DO WITH COAL.
>> Stephen: WOW, I LOVE THAT CTHAT -- CRISIS HE'S GOING
THROUGH, HAVE I BEEN GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE REWARD.
>> HE'S, YEAH, I THINK I'M GOING TO BE ON THE NAUGHTY LIST.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU USED THE COTTON CANDY MACHINE I GAVE YOU
LAST YEAR?
>> NOT YET.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVEN'T USED IT AT ALL?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: WHY?
BECAUSE IT'S AT OUR OFFICE.
EVERY TIME I SEE YOU, YOU SAY, HAVE YOU USED THE COTTON CANDY
MACHINE THAT I GAVE YOU -- >> Stephen: IT'S A GOOD ONE.
IT'S NOT HASBRO, IT'S A GOOD ONE.
YOU COULD BE A CARNEY!
( LAUGHTER ) >> ONE DAY, LIB A CARNEY.
IT'S TOTALLY CARNIVAL STYLE COTTON CANDY.
I THINK THIS IS THE YEAR WE'LL BE ABLE TO USE IT BECAUSE IT'S
BEEN A SLOW -- A SLOW PROCESS GETTING TO THE COTTON CANDY.
THERE'S BEEN A PANDEMIC, AND -- >> Stephen: WHAT BETTER TIME
TO HAVE A COTTON CANDY MACHINE BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO TO
THE CARNIVAL WHERE THE DISEASES ARE, YOU BRING THE CARNIVAL TO
YOUR HOME, TIG.
>> I UNDERSTAND, STEPHEN, BUT HOW PATHETIC TO SET UP A
CARNIVAL SIZE COTTON CANDY MACHINE AND DO IT FOR MY TWO
SONS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN PACK THE WHOLE THING UP
AGAIN.
>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.
I APOLOGIZE.
I'M NOT THINKING.
OKAY, YOU'RE GOING BACK OUT ON THE ROAD AGAIN WITH YOUR COMEDY
TOUR "HELLO AGAIN."
>> YES.
>> Stephen: THAT I REALLY ENJOY.
>> YS.
>> Stephen: KICKS OFF TOMORROW IN PITTSBURGH.
HERE YOU ARE WITH AN AUDIENCE.
HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE AGAIN?
>> UM -- IT FEELS GREAT.
IT FEELS REALLY GOOD.
I PERFORMED TRULY FOUR TIMES IN THE PAST TWO YEARS.
SO I AM OFFERING REFUNDS.
( LAUGHTER ) IF IT DOESN'T GO WELL.
>> Stephen: IF YOU'RE A LITTLE RUSTY.
>> YEAH, IF I'M A LITTLE RUSTY.
AND, YEAH, I'M VERY MUCH EXCITED.
>> Stephen: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN TOURING?
HOW MANY YEARS AGO DID YOU START?
>> I STARTED 25 YEARS AGO.
>> Stephen: WOW.
( APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
A QUARTER OF A CENTURY.
>> Stephen: YOU'VE KICKED IT UP A NOTCH HERE.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: THIS IS HOW YOU'RE GETTING AROUND ON YOUR TOUR THIS
TIME.
THERE YOU ARE, YOU POSTED THIS THE OTHER DAY, THIS IS YOU AND
YOUR CHOPPER.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE FLYING THIS CHOPPER ON YOUR TOUR, RIGHT?
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
NOT REALLY.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M NOT AN ( BLEEP ), YOU KNO.
>> Stephen: USING THE SALTY TALK ON CBS.
>> I'M ALLOWED TO SAY ( BLEEP ?
>> Stephen: NO.
YOU KNOW WHAT, STEPHEN?
SINCE I TID SAY ( BLEEP ) ON - WHAT IS THIS?
CBS.
>> ON CBS.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THIS?
WHAT IS THIS?
( APPLAUSE ) IT'S THE DUEMONT NETWORK.
>> I JUST WANT TO POINT OUT FOR THE VIEWERS AT HOME THAT THE
WORD ( BLEEP ) THAT I KNOW I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY, THEY BLEEP
"HOLE."
>> Stephen: THIS IS TRUE.
O, AT HOME, WATCH, I'M SAY ASS ( BLEEP ).
THEY LEAVE ASS ( LAUGHTER )
BUT IF YOU SAY ASS ON ITS OWN, THEN IT'S FINE.
THEY DON'T BLEEP YOU.
AND IF YOU SAY HOLE, THEY DON'T BLEEP YOU.
( APPLAUSE ) BUT -- BUT -- IF YOU SAY ASS
( BLEEP ) -- SEE?
THEY JUST BLEEPED HOLE.
BUT WHEN I SAID THEY BLEEPED HOLE, THEY DIDN'T BLEEP HOLE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IF I SAY I'M NOT AN ASS,
NOBODY BLEEPED THAT, BUT IF I SAY ASS ( BLEEP ) THEY SAY, WE
CAN'T HAVE HOLE FOLLOWING ASS.
>> Stephen: WE CAN'T KNOW ABOUT THAT PART -- OF THE ASS.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S IMPLIED, BUT HOW DARE
YOU.
>> HOW DARE YOU MENTION THERE'S A HOLE, NO PROBLEM, BUT ASS
( BLEEP ) -- BLEEP!
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, THEY ARE TEACHING TOILETS TO RECOGNIZE
PEOPLE BY THE PATTERN -- >> WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DO THAT?
>> Stephen: I'M PICTURING, I DID THE BOWL --
>> STEPHEN -- >> Stephen: AND THIS IS THE
VIEW.
>> STEPHEN, IF THAT'S THE VIEW, UM, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
>> Stephen: NO, BUT -- BUT FOR A FRIEND --
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, HER TOUR "HELLO AGAIN"
STARTS TOMORROW.
( PIANO RIFF ) TICKETS ARE AVAILABLE ON
TIGNOTARO.COM TIG NOTARO, EVERYBODY WE'LL BE
RIGHT BACK.