♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW" HERE FROM BEAUTIFUL MIDTOWN
MANHATTAN.
GREAT TO SEE YA.
THERE'S GOOD NEWS IN THE PANDEMIC BECAUSE COVID-19 IS
ONCE AGAIN IN RETREAT.
WOO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) COVID-IS-OVER!
IS SOMETHING I'VE SAID FOUR TIMES BEFORE!
I WILL NOT GET MY HOPES UP!
AS SCIENTISTS HAD PREDICTED THE NUMBER OF NEW DAILY CASES IN
THE U.S. HAS FALLEN 35% SINCE SEPTEMBER 1.
TURNS OUT, THE CURE FOR COVID ISN'T HORSE PASTE, IT'S
PUMPKIN SPICE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT DESPITE THIS DROP IN CASES, THE C.D.C. IS NOT RELAXING THEIR
RECOMMENDATIONS FOR HALLOWEEN AND THANKSGIVING.
EVEN FOR THOSE WHO ARE FULLY VACCINATED, THE C.D.C.
RECOMMENDS: "THE SAFEST WAY TO CELEBRATE IS
VIRTUALLY OR WITH PEOPLE WHO LIVE WITH YOU."
YOU WANT US TO TRICK OR TREAT WITH PEOPLE WHO LIVE WITH YOU?
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S JUST SNACKING!
WE'VE BEEN DOING THAT EVERY DAY FOR 18 MONTHS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MMM, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?
GOOD STUFF.
THE C.D.C. SAYS THAT IF YOU INSIST ON HAVING
THANKSGIVING DINNER INSIDE BRING IN FRESH AIR BY OPENING
WINDOWS AND DOORS, AND USE A WINDOW FAN TO BLOW AIR OUT OF
THE WINDOW.
( LAUGHTER ) PANDEMIC OR NOT, THAT'S GREAT
ADVICE FOR THANKSGIVING.
(LOUD FAN NOISE) (TALKING OVER FAN)
"WHAT'S THAT UNCLE JACK?
THE MEXICANS SHOULD DO WHAT?
I CAN'T HEAR YOU, I'M PURPOSELY SITTING NEXT TO THE
FAN.
WHAT'S THAT ABOUT CRITICAL RACE THEORY?
I DEFINITELY WANT TO HEAR IT.
WHILE I CARVE THE TURKEY WITH THIS JACKHAMMER."
(JACKHAMMER NOISES) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW WHO LOVES TURKEY?
DOGS.
( LAUGHTER ) IN PET NEWS, DOGS ARE GETTING
STONED ON NEIGHBORHOOD WALKS.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY.
IF YOU'RE WONDERING, HERE'S HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN A
DOG IS HIGH: IT ONLY CARES ABOUT HAVING FUN AND EATING FOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS ALL HAPPENING BECAUSE
MARIJUANA LEGALIZATION THROUGHOUT THE UNITED STATES HAS
LED TO MORE PEOPLE BUYING
EDIBLES, AND MORE PEOPLE BUYING EDIBLES HAS LED TO MORE PEOPLE
DROPPING EDIBLES IN PLACES DOGS CAN EASILY FIND
THEM, WHICH LEADS TO DOGS INADVERTENTLY GETTING
"BAKED."
( LAUGHTER ) SUDDENLY.
SUDDENLY, THAT CLASSIC EXCUSE IS A LOT MORE PLAUSIBLE.
(AS KID) "MY DOG ATE MY HOMEWORK! BECAUSE
FIRST MY DOG ATE MY STASH.
THEN HE THOUGHT MY HOMEWORK WAS A SALTED PRETZEL."
NOW, THIS MIGHT SOUND SILLY, BUT ONE WOMAN REPORTS THAT HER
TOY POODLE HAS BEEN TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM FOUR TIMES AS A
RESULT OF EATING CANNABIS.
IT SURE SEEMS LIKE TREATING A HIGH DOG WOULD BE THE CUSHY
ASSIGNMENT AT THE ANIMAL HOSPITAL:
(AS VETERINARIAN) "BILL, CAN YOU PLEASE GO FISH A
LEGO OUT OF THIS ANGRY CAT'S LOWER INTESTINE?
I WOULD HELP, BUT I GOTTA WATCH SOME "RICK AND MORTY" WITH ROSCO
HERE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) ANOTHER PET OWNER SAYS THAT HE
WAS WALKING HIS DOG, BENTLEY, AROUND HIS NEIGHBORHOOD
IN CALIFORNIA, WHEN THE DOG STARTED ACTING WEIRD.
HE EVEN SHARED A PIC OF BENTLEY.
LET'S GIVE IT A LOOK: OH, YEAH...
I KNOW THAT FACE.
( LAUGHTER ) I'VE HAD THAT FACE.
THAT'S A DOG WHO JUST GOOGLED "CAN YOU BE HIGH FOREVER?"
( LAUGHTER ) SO PLEASE, EVERYONE, WITHIN THE
SOUND OF MY VOICE, PLEASE KEEP YOUR POT IN A SAFE PLACE.
DON'T PUT IT SOMEPLACE YOUR DOG CAN FIND IT.
AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT MAIL IT TO ME -- EVEN THOUGH I HAVE
BEEN A VERY GOOD BOY.
WHEN WE COME BACK, WE HAVE A SPOOKY NEW SPONSOR.
STICK AROUND!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪