Tell us a little bit about yourself.
What do you do?
Well, I am a 911 operator.
I've been an operator dispatcher
Oh my God!
for about two years now.
Really? Did we call you?
(hosts laughing)
Help! Help! Help!
Yeah.
It just occurred to me right now
that someone may have called 911
and I mistakenly thought it was a fan.
Aww. (laughing)
So someone here in my building is having a heart attack.
No, it was me.
Yeah. I just want out.
You want out.
And I thought, "Oh, good. Another fan."
"Hey, how's it going?"
Wow. That's very cool that you're a 9...
I have a million questions for you
if you're a 911 operator.
Okay. Shoot.
All right.
Well, I'm just curious.
First of all, what kind of train...
Do you train for that?
How do you become a 911 operator?
Yeah, so it's actually surprisingly entry level.
I just walked in because...
I'm chubby now,
but there was a time when I was a little more fit
and I wanted to maybe be a firefighter.
And my dad said, "I don't think you'd be a good firefighter,
because you're not very good in high pressure situations."
And I said, screw you, dad, I'm gonna go
for the most high pressure job that I can think of now.
(Sona laughing)
So I walked into the 911 county office
and I said, are you guys hiring?
And they said, yeah.
And you just have to take this test before you come in
to see if you can handle it.
And then there's three months of boot camp in that office
to teach you basically everything you need to know
and if you pass all that, then you're good to go.
They train you a little more with shadowing a person
and then once you're cleared off on that
then you're on your own.
So I was probably in training for about four or five months.
Wow. First of all,
there's a lot to unpack here, as my wife would say.
Your father, your father told you,
no, you shouldn't be a fireman
because you're not good in high pressure situations.
That's pretty rough.
And isn't that kind of his fault?
Yeah. Oh.
Well, it's two parts to it.
Well, you should have trained me, dad.
Yeah. Yeah.
That's on you.
But also, I mean, you know...
There's one way to look at it, which is maybe he was saying
that because he wanted to protect you.
Yeah.
Because he was worried.
And then there's another way,
which is more in the dick category,
you know, where like your dad's not being,
you know, it's like, don't say that.
Where do you think that falls?
Oh my God.
I don't know.
I mean, he was a volunteer fireman,
so he kind of knew a little bit about how it all works.
Sounds to me like he couldn't hack full time.
Yeah. (laughing) Yeah.
Again, on him.
Is it okay if I try just right now, if I called you,
could you be a 911, your 911 self
and we could just run through it and see how it goes?
Sure. Yeah.
Okay. So, (imitates electronic device beeping).
911. What's the city and address of the emergency?
I'm in Los Angeles, California.
What was the second part?
(hosts laughing)
What's the address of the emergency?
123 Bigelow Road.
Okay. For verification,
I need you to repeat the address please.
123 Bigelow Road, Los Angeles, California.
Tell me what the problem is.
I was eating this onion,
(Sona laughing)
and something tasted real weird about it,
but it's my last onion.
So I just kept chomping it.
And now I can't feel my feet and I can't feel my hands.
Okay.
(collective laughter)
Are you standing right now?
I'm standing.
I think I'm standing.
I'm upright, but I can't feel my feet.
I think I'm standing.
Are you feeling nauseous?
No, I actually feel...
I've never felt better.
My stomach feels fantastic.
I mean, I would...
Have you been vomiting or puking blood?
No more than usual.
(hosts laughing loudly)
What's usual?
I usually vomit in the morning, twice in the afternoon,
and then violently for about an hour at night.
(hosts laughing)
So have you vomited since you last ate this onion?
No. No. The onion really calmed me down.
The onion's been, by the way, mostly terrific.
My stool.
I just wanna mention my stool is a white gel,
(hosts laughing)
and it has little colorful sparkles in it.
Oh.
Are you under the influence of any drugs or alcohol?
Well, that's interesting.
No drugs. I don't do drugs,
but I had six bottles of Pappy Van Winkle.
(hosts laughing)
Okay. Is your door locked?
Yes. It's triple locked.
It's locked every which way that a door can be locked.
And I have a large bolt
that I bought from an old French castle
and I slid that across.
No one's getting through that fucking door.
Okay. Just so that my paramedics can get to you,
I need you to unlock all...
How many did you say? Six locks.
Yeah, six locks, but then that big bolt
and I gotta get someone to help me.
It's gonna be half an hour to unlock this door.
I'm very paranoid about villagers attacking me.
(collective laughter)
Okay.
Okay, if you have something...
By the way, the onion, the onion's terrific.
Can I keep eating it? It's fantastic.
If you believe that's what's making you sick
then I would not keep eating the onion, no.
Okay. You're a real voice of reason.
This is terrific.
I'm working on the door right now.
Let's see.
Unlock, unlock, slide, bolt, slide.
If it's too strenuous for you
then I don't want you to do it.
No, it's really not.
No, I'm not feeling bad.
My arms are just very, very weak from misuse and disuse.
(hosts laughing)
Let's see, ugh.
Here we go.
All right.
Is there anybody there that can help you with the locks?
My wife's here and my children are here
but they are not interested in my...
Have your wife help you with the door.
She...
No.
If your children can then I want you to send your children
Fuck off, Dad.
Yeah. They have a restraining order against me.
They're not allowed to approach me or I them.
We live in separate parts of the house.
They say that I'm an odd person
and they don't want anything to do with me.
Did you tell him how you misuse your arms?
Shut up! Shut up, Quigley!
That's my son, Quigley.
Go eat an onion!
I did, that's the problem!
It worked!
Jesus. Later.
Okay.
Man.
Sorry for those radio show background people.
(hosts laughing)
The quality wasn't terrific but you do what you can.
Anyway, I'm starting to feel a lot better and I think...
Yep, the onion...
I just shit it out.
(hosts laughing)
Ugh.
Now it's a clear gel.
I feel much better and I think I'm okay.
I don't think anyone needs to come.
I think I'm okay.
I'm gonna let my paramedics know that,
but they're already on their way.
So they may still come to check on you. Okay?
Well, I do have a gun,
and if they come in, I'm firing.
(hosts laughing)
Stand you gr- stand your ground.
What I love to do is call 911,
and then start firing away
the minute someone comes through the door.
It's not a good gun.
It's an old, it's an 1810 revolver.
And it keeps falling apart,
but I'm just gonna be blasting and a-blasting
if they come in the door.
Okay. Okay Conan, for my paramedics' safety
and the officers that are now responding, their safety.
I need you to put the gun away.
Can you do that for me?
How'd you know his name?
(collective laughter)
That's right. I never said my name.
You're some kind of creep.
Call 911.
Yeah, call real 911.
Most likely because of the defecation and the vomiting
that you've already had problems with,
we probably already have a little bit of record
on Mr. O'Brien.
(laughter)
Especially if he calls 911
and just starts blasting a way that's 100% on record.
Yeah.
I have put the gun away.
I just- I have a large smelting pot here
and I just put the gun in and it's been melted down
and it's just liquid metal now.
And some bullets that...
oh man, they're exploding.
Okay. That was a mistake.
I should have taken the bullets out first, but we're good.
We're fine now.
I apologize for wasting your time.
Okay, I need you to get everybody out of the house.
If there's explosions going on in the house,
I need you to get your wife and children out.
Well, I was fibbing earlier.
They left me a long time ago.
I live alone and it's a small walk up.
My wife took all my money,
and the divorce proceedings went very quickly
and they gave her everything,
because they said I'm a fucking moron.
Which is the first time a judge has ever said that.
(collective laughter)
But I sense that you're a great 911 operator
and you really help me out through this dark time.
Do you think you would ever meet up and have a beer?
Oh, okay. (laughing)
You know, this does happen, where...
Yeah. Oh, I know. That's why I'm asking you.
I'm asking you.
This is still the 911 call.
We're still role playing. I'm sorry.
Operator?
Can I- 911 operator,
do you think you and I can ever meet up
for some cheesesteaks and a beer?
I don't drink, but I'd love a cheesesteak.
Terrific.
Sounds like a yes to me.
Yeah. That is a yes. Wow.
Very unprofessional.
(hosts laughing)
That was a test and you failed.
I've been shadowing you.
(laughing) I work for the government.