WELCOME, ONE AT ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. I TELL YOU WHAT, I HAD A
WONDERFUL HOLIDAY WEEKEND. DEPENDING UPON YUR BELIEFS,
I HOPE YOU FOUND EITHER THE AFIKOMEN, THE EASTER EGG,
OR TOP SECRET UKRAINIAN WAR PLANS.
THIS MORNING, THE WHITE HOUSE HELD ITS ANNUAL EASTER EGG ROLL.
IT'S A TRADITION GOING BACK OVER A CENTURY,
TO WHEN CHILDREN WERE INVITED TO SEARCH FOR TREATS IN
CHESTER A. ARTHUR'S MUTTONCHOPS. PRESIDENT BIDEN KICKED OFF THE
FESTIVITIES WITH BELOVED HOLIDAY CHARACTER AL ROKER.
AND WITH AL, BIDEN DROPPED SOME HINTS ABOUT 2024.
>> I WAS JUST WONDERING, MR. PRESIDENT, WILL YOU BE
TAKING PART IN THE EASTER EGG ROLLS, PLANNING ON AFTER 2024?
>> I PLAN ON AT LEAST THREE OR FOUR MORE EASTER EGG ROLLS.
>> AT LEAST THREE OR FOUR MORE? >> MAYBE FIVE.
>> MAYBE FIVE? >> MAYBE SIX,
WHAT THE HELL? I DON'T KNOW.
>> ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU WOULD BE TAKING PART IN OUR
UPCOMING ELECTION IN 2024? >> I'LL EITHER BE ROLLING AN EGG
OR BE THE GUY WHO'S PUSHING 'EM OUT.
>> Stephen: "THAT'S RIGHT, JACK! I GOT BIG EASTER NEWS:
JOE BIDEN CAN LAY EGGS. EASY AS PIE.
I PUSH 'EM RIGHT OUT THE CLOACA.
SERVE 'EM UP SCRAMBLED, OR SIT ON 'EM FOR A WHILE,
RAISE A BEAUTIFUL FLOCK OF LITTLE BABY JOES.
PEEP, PEEP, PEEP. POINT IS, I AM MENTALLY FIT
TO ONCE AGAIN RUN FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
WHAT'S GOIN' ON? WHERE'S JILL?
MARCO! JILL-O!"
BUT IT'S NOT ALL... [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BUT IT'S NOT ALL LAWN GAMES AND HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP
FOR THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH. ON THURSDAY, WE LEARNED
LEAKED TOP-SECRET PENTAGON DOCUMENTS ON THE UKRAINE WAR
HAD SUDDENLY APPEARED ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
SHOCKING, BUT NOT THE FIRST TIME CLASSIFIED BATTLE INTEL
WAS LEAKED ON SOCIAL MEDIA. WHO CAN FORGET THE 2003
MYSPACE POST. "ERMAHGERD SADDERM HURSEHRN
DEHRSN'T REHRLY HERVE W-M-DEHRS."
WE STILL DON'T KNOW THE ORIGIN OF THE LEAK, BUT A BIG CLUE IS
THAT IN ADDITION TO BEING POSTED ON TWITTER, IT SHOWED UP
ON TELEGRAM, A PLATFORM WITH MORE THAN HALF A BILLION
USERS THAT IS WIDELY AVAILABLE IN RUSSIA.
OF COURSE RUSSIA'S BIGGEST SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM
IS POTATO. BUT TELEGRAM WASN'T THE FIRST
PLACE THE DOCUMENTS POPPED UP. THEY ACTUALLY FIRST APPEARED
IN MARCH ON THE VIDEO GAME CHAT PLATFORM DISCORD.
AS ONE INVESTIGATOR PUT IT, "THIS STUFF WAS SITTING
IN A MINECRAFT DISCORD SERVER FOR A MONTH AND NO ONE NOTICED.
SO NATIONAL SECRETS WERE ON A VIDEO GAME CHAT?
TURNS OUT THE NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES ARE "UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN,
LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, B, A, START."
THE FEDS ARE DESPERATELY TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO THE LEAKER IS.
ONE CLUE HERE: THE LEAKED PAGES AREN'T ELECTRONIC FILES,
BUT RATHER PHOTOS OF CRUMPLED DOCUMENTS,
AS IF THEY HAD BEEN HASTILY FOLDED UP AND SHOVED INTO
FROM A SECURE LOCATION. THAT'S IT?
THE TECHNOLOGY WAS "PUT IN POCKET?"
THE MOVIES MAKE STEALING NATIONAL SECRETS LOOK SO MUCH
HARDER. GET READY FOR THE NEW TOM
CRUISE THRILLER: MISSION IMPOSSI --
"WAIT, I JUST SHOVED IT IN MY PANTS."
[APPLAUSE] I JUST REALIZED I DID THE LAST
THREE JOKES WITHOUT MY GLASSES ON.
NO WONDER WHY THIS JOB IS SO HARD.
SO, A BIG TIME YIKES FOR THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH.
BUT IF IT MAKES THEM FEEL BETTER, THE JUDICIARY
IS A DISASTER RIGHT NOW. CASE IN POINT, SUPREME COURT
JUSTICE CLARENCE THOMAS. >> [BOOING]
>> Stephen: SEEING HEREAFTER THE PHOTOGRAPHER SAID "LET'S DO
A FUN ONE." AND NEW REPORTING REVEALS
THAT OVER MANY DECADES, CLARENCE THOMAS HAS SECRETLY
ACCEPTED LUXURY TRIPS FROM A MAJOR G.O.P. DONOR.
WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE CLARENCE THOMAS DID SOMETHING
INAPPROPRIATE," SAID A WOOLY MAMMOTH REANIMATED AFTER
BEING FROZEN IN THE SIBERIAN PERMAFROST.
THE G.O.P. DONOR FUNDING ALL THESE TRIPS IS TEXAS REAL ESTATE
BILLIONAIRE HARLAN CROW, SEEN HERE QUIETLY AND FIRMLY
REMINDING HIMSELF IT WAS DEFINITELY A DEER HE HIT
LAST NIGHT. CROW'S RELATIONSHIP WITH JUSTICE
THOMAS WAS MORE THAN JUST A FEW VOYAGES ON THE SS "MONEYBAGS."
THESE LUXURY TRIPS HAPPENED VIRTUALLY EVERY YEAR FOR MORE
THAN TWO DECADES, INCLUDING TRIPS AROUND THE WORLD ON CROW'S
SUPERYACHT, FLYING ON CROW'S G-5 JET, AND VISITS TO CROW'S
VARIOUS ESTATES, INCLUDING ONE IN THE ADIRONDACKS, WHICH HAS
A THREE-BOAT GARAGE. WELL, YEAH.
A BUSY FAMILY'S GOTTA HAVE THREE BOATS.
WHAT IF THE KIDS SLEEP LATE AND MISS THE SCHOOL YACHT?
THOMAS CLEARLY. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
IT'S ALL ABOUT EDUCATION. THESE PEOPLE LOVE EDUCATION.
JUSTICE THOMAS CLEARLY SPENDS A LOT OF TIME WITH CROW.
BECAUSE THAT SAME RESORT FEATURES THIS ACTUAL PAINTING&
SHOWING THE TWO SMOKING CIGARS WITH CONSERVATIVE OPERATIVES
UNDER A STATUE OF A NATIVE AMERICAN MAN
PRAYING FOR A FLASH FLOOD. IN RESPONSE, JUSTICE THOMAS HAS
EXPLAINED THIS WAS ALL JUST A MISUNDERSTANDING, SAYING
HE WAS ADVISED BY COLLEAGUES THAT "THIS SORT OF PERSONAL
HOSPITALITY FROM CLOSE PERSONAL FRIENDS WHO DID NOT HAVE
BUSINESS BEFORE THE COURT WAS NOT REPORTABLE."
ADDING, "NOW I GOTTA GET BACK ON DECK BEFORE WE LOSE
LOSE THAT GOLDEN HOUR SUN. #YachtLife.
#SomeLikeItYacht." AND THOMAS INSISTS THAT THESE
GIFTS FROM CROW DON'T COUNT BECAUSE OF THEIR PERSONAL
RELATIONSHIP, SAYING: "WE HAVE BEEN FRIENDS FOR OVER
25 YEARS." OKAY, BUT YOU'VE BEEN ON THE
SUPREME COURT FOR 31 YEARS! "OH, IT'S NOT A BRIBE.
HE'S MY FRIEND." "OH, HOW DID YOU GUYS MEET?"
"OH, HE WAS BRIBING ME." [APPLAUSE]
SO, OKAY. I'LL BITE.
HE'S YOUR CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND THAT YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT,
SO I GUESS IT WOULD BE REALLY EMBARRASSING TO LEARN THAT
HARLAN CROW HAS A COLLECTION OF ADOLF HITLER ARTIFACTS AND
NAZI MEMORABILIA, INCLUDING TWO PAINTINGS BY HITLER.
LADIES, TAKE NOTE. THAT S A RED FLAG.
THAT IS A RED FLAG. YOU NEVER WANNA HAVE TO TELL
YOUR GAL PALS, "SO I FINALLY SPENT THE NIGHT AT TODD'S.
IT WAS GOOD, BUT HE'S GOT THIS REALLY INTENSE GAMING SETUP.
AND TWO PAINTINGS BY HITLER. SHOULD I TEXT HIM BACK, OR?"
WHAT DO I DO? CROW ALSO HAS A DISPLAY OF
SWASTIKA-EMBOSSED LINENS. YEAH, YEAH, IT ALL COMES WITH
THE MONSTERS OF HISTORY FINE DINING SET.
YOU GET THE NAZI NAPKINS, THE POL POTS AND PANS,
AND THE OSAMA BIN LADLE. ACT NOW.
FOR ALL THAT, IT'S NOT JUST THE JUDCIAL BRANCH, THE LEGISLATIVE
HAS ITS SHARE OF PROBLEMS, ESPECIALLY IN STATE LEGISLATURES
LIKE TENNESSEE. 'CAUSE AFTER A WEEK OF LARGE
STUDENT-LED PROTESTS IN FAVOR OF GUN CONTROL, THE
REPUBLICAN-CONTROLLED TENNESSEE HOUSE VOTED TO EXPEL 2 OF THE 3
DEMOCRATS WHO PARTICIPATED IN THE PROTEST.
ALL RIGHT, AUDIENCE. LET'S PLAY A LITTLE GAME.
LET'S PLAY A LITTLE GAME. I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THE THREE
DEMOCRATS, AND YOU HAVE TO GUESS WHICH TWO THEY KICKED OUT.
JIMMY, LET'S PUT 0.3 SECOND ON THE CLOCK.
GO! [BUZZER]
THAT'S RIGHT! IT'S THE TWO BLACK GUYS.
BUT THE G.O.P. SAYS THERE'S NOTHING RACIST ABOUT THIS,
EXPLAINING THE TWO EXPELLED LAWMAKERS, REPRESENTATIVES
JUSTIN JONES AND JUSTIN J. PEARSON,
BROKE THE CHAMBER'S RULES WHEN THEY LED GUN REFORM CHANTS FROM
THE HOUSE PODIUM WITH A MEGAPHONE.
WHILE REPRESENTATIVE GLORIA JOHNSON WASN'T EXPELLED SINCE
SHE DIDN'T SPEAK INTO THE MEGAPHONE.
I THINK WE ALL KNOW THAT EXCUSE IS PURE BULL...HORN.
NOW, BEFORE HIS EXPULSION, REPRESENTATIVE JONES
CALLED OUT THE G.O.P. HYPOCRISY. >> FOR YEARS, ONE OF YOUR
COLLEAGUES, WHO WAS AN ADMITTED CHILD MOLESTER SAT IN
THIS CHAMBER. NO EXPULSION.
WE HAD A FORMER SPEAKER SIT IN THIS CHAMBER WHO IS NOW UNDER
FEDERAL INVESTIGATION, NO EXPULSION.
WE HAD ANOTHER MEMBER PEE IN ANOTHER MEMBER'S CHAIR
IN THIS CHAMBER. NO EXPULSION.
>> Stephen: THAT'S HORRIBLE AND UNFAIR.
AND ALSO HOW CAN YOU EXPEL HIM BEFORE HE TELLS US MORE ABOUT
THIS PEE THING? WHAT'S GOING ON THERE?
I DID NOT KNOW THAT. SO THIS IS TERRIBLE P.R.
FOR THE TENNESSEE G.O.P., BUT AT LEAST IT'S ALSO POINTLESS
BECAUSE JUSTIN J. PEARSON COULD BE REAPPOINTED ON
WEDNESDAY. JUSTIN JONES, WE JUST LEARNED,
HAS ALREADY BEEN REAPPOINTED TO THE SAME DAMN SEAT.
FIRST DAY BACK. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE BRIAN COX
AND KERI RUSSELL. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE"! JOIN US, WON'T YOU?