now you probably already know that I just don't love the word codependency but lately,
I've got a lot of requests to talk about codependency so I think it's a topic worth
exploring which is why in this video we're going to talk about all the different reasons
why a person might be struggling with codependency what does it mean and how to get out of
it
for those of you who are new here i'm amber hollingsworth and this is put the shovel down the
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science and psychology of addiction which is going to allow you to make strategic decisions instead
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be interested in then consider subscribing all right back to our topic one of the reasons why i
really dislike this word codependency is because it just doesn't have a lot of clarity around it
and whenever anyone says it i think we all have a slightly different thought about what that means
so I feel like maybe one of the ways that i can be most helpful is let's put a little clarity
and definition and explanation around this word now the whole term codependency started to become
popular some years back when melanie beatty wrote a book called codependent no more and it's still
considered like the classic textbook for dealer and codependency i will put the link in the
description for you now what it was intended to mean is if you have a relationship with someone
who has a drug or alcohol problem that person the personal drug or alcohol problem is dependent on
the substance and then the family member loved one friend or whoever the person is gets dependent on
the person who has the substance abuse problem and so essentially both people then become dependent
on the addiction so now we have co-dependent now when it comes to that explanation of the
term i think i can probably go for that i can follow that line of thinking but the
waters get a little murky from there because a lot of people use the term codependent to mean
like someone who constantly needs someone else's approval or they say it to mean someone
who has this obsessive need to take care of someone else to get their own needs met
now i'm not saying those aren't things yeah those are things but that's not always the reason why
someone ends up in a codependent dynamic with someone that they care about there are some other
reasons why that could happen it's not always a pathological need to be liked or to take care of
another reason why you might find yourself stuck in a codependent relationship is because
you're being controlled by fear fear of if you don't stay in control of the situation or keep
helping the situation that something really bad is going to happen maybe you're scared something
really bad is going to happen to that person and you'll lose them maybe you're scared that this
is the parent of your child and if you don't try to keep them together then your children
lose their parents in fact i think fear probably really is the primary reason for codependency
and i think it's kind of unfortunate that people struggling with codependency kind of get
thrown into this well you must just need to be needed that's not exactly what's going on here in
most cases another reason why you could be stuck in a codependent relationship is because of guilt
maybe you feel really guilty maybe you struggle with feeling guilty if you don't help someone or
it's really hard for you to let someone do without so that guilt keeps you stuck and sucked into it
for example i've had family members struggle with addiction most of you know that and at times let's
say a family member struggled with addiction couldn't pay their electric bill and let's say
this family member had young children that it would be really really hard for me not to pay
their electric bill for them and let me tell you it didn't have anything to do with my need to be
needed that was definitely not it it had more to do with the fact i would feel really really guilty
if there were young children living in this house without electricity i'd feel terrible about that
so please know that just because someone struggles with codependency doesn't mean that they have this
big giant need to be needed i mean a lot of people out there really it's almost like they talk about
codependency like it's some kind of munchausen by proxy like the family member or loved one
purposefully keeps the person sick because somehow it gets their needs met now i will
agree that sometimes family members contribute to helping someone stay sick but they're not doing it
purposefully as in like munchhousens right they're stuck in the cycle and they're just going around
the hamster wheel with the person but they're not usually purposefully trying to keep their
loved ones stuck now recently i heard someone describe codependency as an attachment trauma
and i really like that explanation so it's like i have this attached secure relationship with this
person all of a sudden they develop some kind of addiction and then that attachment is sort
of abruptly broken and the person can't really make sense of it right especially when you're
dealing with a with somebody who has a substance abuse problem right because it's like sometimes
it's like they're their real self and they're there and you see them and you feel connected
and it's working and then other times they're not and it's the fact that sometimes they are
there and it is working and it feels like oh that's themself or they're getting better or
you start to get hope for some reason that is what keeps you in your addiction cycle with the person
so yes codependency is an addiction in and of itself it's an addiction to the person in fact
it follows the exact same patterns of other things that are addictive you know what makes something
the most addictive is when that something gives intermittent positive reinforcement
so it's not even like it works every time it works sometimes and you don't even know when it's gonna
work just like the drug think about the person who uses drugs like sometimes they drink and it
works fine other times they drink and it's not fun and it's a terrible nightmare but it's that
intermittent positive reinforcement that keeps them going back it's kind of like if i could just
do it like this if i could just keep it to this and they keep bargaining with themselves trying
to make that work that is the exact same thing that happens with the family member
only they keep trying to go back to the idea that this relationship is going to work or that this
person is going to conquer that problem or you know that they're going to get better they're
hopeful and it keeps you sucked into it because sometimes it is better and other times it's not
and you keep feeling like if i could just hang on to them like this you keep trying to figure
out the magic combination formula ways of behaving or interacting with them that's going to make them
stay their regular normal cells and get rid of the addictive behavior as you can see it's
like two hamsters stuck on a hamster wheel one behind the other both getting nowhere
how would you define codependency what does the word mean to you when i say that word
what comes to your head now the perfect next topic to go with this topic
is helping versus enabling so i've put that video right up here for you so you can watch it next