- So what I wanna do is to talk a little bit about
the science of self-compassion
and some of the myths.
So, there are some main myths, one is,
probably the main one is weakness,
that self-compassion will make me weak,
or that it is a weakness.
And the literature, which is now 4,000 articles
and there are three articles coming out,
three or four every single week,
this is such a hot subject.
Shows, and actually there was a meta-analysis
that just came out last week on coping, and shows basically
that people who are high in self-compassion,
they cope way better with difficulties,
with chronic pain, with trauma,
with divorce, illness, all kinds of things.
Basically, self-compassion buffers the impact of negative
experience in our lives.
That warm embrace allows us to actually be
with what's happening, to learn from it,
and also to let it go.
So self-compassion is not weak,
it's actually a powerful factor in emotional resilience.
Another concern is that it's selfish,
and just I in my experience with public speaking
over and over, we see that people who,
in people when self-compassion increases,
then compassion for others increases, this is very reliable.
Partly I think because compassion per se
is omnidirectional.
It's a state, it's a state of being,
and it could even be personal traits, right?
But it doesn't quite have any rigid focus, right?
In the same way that physiology doesn't have a rigid focus.
If you're angry, you can be angry at yourself
or somebody else just, but someone's gonna get it,
same with compassion.
Another concern is this self-pity that it's related
to rumination and me, me, me and so forth,
but people that are high in self-compassion
they actually connect better to others.
They have more of their troubles and perspective.
Another concern is that it's self-indulgent,
if I'm self-compassion I'm just gonna sit around eating
bond bonds and watching TV, that's not gonna happen.
If you have a kid who comes home and says, oh, mommy,
I'd like to have a gallon of chocolate ice cream for dinner.
Would you say, I love you, honey, therefore you can have
a gallon of chocolate ice cream?
I don't think so.
Why would you do that for yourself?
So self-compassion is actually what a good friend would do.
A good friend would say, don't eat a gallon
of chocolate ice cream, it's gonna make you sick.
So, we actually, people who are high in self-compassion,
they actually are not afraid of,
and this refers to the myth of motivation.
Some people think people, high-end self-compassion
have lower motivation, they're actually more motivated.
And they're actually more successful at doing difficult
things, because they're motivating
themselves with encouragement.
Like you can do it, you're almost there,
I believe in you, you got this, rather than you suck,
what's the matter with you, can't you ever get it right?
Imagine, how motivating is that?
But that's the voice we sometimes have in our heads.
Self-compassion motivates with encouragement
rather than criticism, this is huge,
especially when we're trying to do something tough.