I wrote a book a long, long time ago
called Life Strategies
and I had the 10 laws of life
and one of them was you create your own experience.
And what I mean by that,
what I mean by that life law
is you get what you give.
Okay, so here we are,
dysfunctional relationship, right?
Definitely.
Not working for you,
not working for you
and despite the fact that you're dependent on her,
you are rude to her and call her names
and are not respectful of someone's home
that you are a guest in, correct?
I respect her and--
Does he call you names?
Yes, he does. What does he call you?
He calls me a (bleep),
he calls me a bitch-- Once, twice actually.
You said to us you're not nice to her.
You think she shouldn't
have even brought you into this world
and then didn't do a good job once she did.
I didn't have a parent there
to talk about my emotions
or if I did talk about my emotions
I just get treated badly or--
Sometimes people have asked me
Dr. Phil, do you really think problems
are as simple as you make 'em out to be?
And I really don't think problems are simple.
But sometimes the solutions are very simple.
One of the simple solutions
is you just don't reward bad behavior.
You put things out into the world
and what you put out really comes back to you.
If you put out hostility,
you kind of get back hostile, defensive reactions.
If you put out a message that says
I want to engage,
I want to be involved,
I want to have people that support me
and that are engaged with what I do in my life,
you're gonna get people that come and engage in your life.
They're gonna ask you to be involved in theirs.
It's the same way with a parent.
If you put out a message that says,
you're an afterthought,
I'm too busy to deal with you,
then you're gonna get a kid
that turns around and walks away from you.
Do you agree this is not like a typical
mother/son relationship?
It's not.
Well let me read you an email that he wrote to me.
He said, "My mom had me at age 15
"and says I ruined her life.
"She never raised me growing up, my grandmother did.
"The relationship is toxic
"and all I craved growing up
"was to have an actual relationship with my mom.
"She continuously tells me she didn't even want to have me.
"It hurts and I hate it.
"I hate our relationship.
"I hate everything about what is going on
"and just this morning right before I sent this message
"we had a huge argument
"which pushed me to ask for Dr. Phil's help."
So if I didn't want him,
I wouldn't have had him.
You said you didn't want me at that age,
that you didn't want
to have a kid at that age. Who wants a child
at that age?
Who wants to be told
that they weren't wanted
because the mother was too young?
Are you kidding me?
But if you put out a message that says,
hey, I really care about you.
I want to be involved,
there's a place for you in my world,
then you're gonna get a kid that says,
I feel accepted, I feel like I belong
and everybody wants to feel accepted,
everybody wants to feel like they belong.
And that kid is gonna go
where he knows he has a soft place to fall
where she knows she has a soft place to fall.
So ask yourself what message am I putting out there?
What statement am I putting out there?
Because the principle of reciprocity does hold,
you get what you give.