The FDA has announced that there is a nationwide shortage
of Adderall.
[laughter]
So if you don't have a genuine need for it, please,
save it for anyone who has a legitimate prescription.
And if you do have a prescription, now
is the time to sell it at school, kids.
Cash in, and make that money.
In international news, the superstar K-pop band BTS
has announced that its members will soon
begin reporting for mandatory service
in the South Korean military.
Yeah, which is great news for South Korea.
Because their army is basically unstoppable now.
There's no army in the world that is going
to take a shot at these guys.
Are you kidding me?
Who's going to be stupid enough to take a shot?
Everyone's a fan.
Enemy soldiers are going to be like,
oh, I just got stabbed by Jin.
This is the last best day of my life.
[laughter]
Oh, in tech news, Kanye West announced today
that he is going to buy the right-wing social media
platform Parler because, quote, he
wants to make sure we have the right
to freely express ourselves.
And thank God because I've been waiting to hear Kanye's
unfiltered thoughts on things.
You just never get to hear that.
You guys ever hear of anything he has to say?
So shy.
All right, let's move on to some of the bigger stories
of the day, starting, as we so often do, with Donald Trump.
And I know.
I know.
I know when Trump is in the news,
it's usually because he was caught doing more crimes.
But this time, it's also because of that.
The man loves to crime.
What can I say?
So let's find out about his latest
one in our ongoing segment, America's
Most Tremendously Wanted.
[music playing]
[cheering]
You may remember that after he left the White House,
Trump created his own social media app called Truth
Social, which is basically just Twitter,
but for white supremacists.
And before you say, wait, aren't the white supremacists
already on Twitter?
Yes, but on Truth Social, they're verified.
Now, believe it or not--
believe it or not, there might also be
a dark side to Truth Social.
A whistleblower is now accusing former President
Trump's social media company of violating
federal securities laws.
Will Wilkerson is a former executive at Trump Media
and Technology Group, which launched
the Truth Social platform.
He tells The Washington Post that Trump's company tried
to raise capital by making fraudulent misrepresentations
about its finances.
The SEC is now investigating.
REPORTER: The cofounder told The Washington Post,
the former President asked one executive to relinquish
his shares in the company to former First Lady Melania
Trump, and had him removed from the board
of directors when he refused.
What?
Donald Trump's social media platform
was reportedly engaged in shady financial gimmicks?
[gasps] How?
It's called Truth Social.
I don't know what to believe anymore.
Oh!
You know, one of the most interesting allegations
is that he tried to bully one of his board members
into giving his shares to Melania,
which is just so romantic.
[laughter]
Yeah, ladies, find you a man who will commit
securities fraud for you.
Are you kidding?
You have to admit, though, shares in Truth Social
are a weird gift, you know?
It almost sounds like Trump didn't remember
until the last minute.
He was just like, (IMITATING TRUMP) of course,
I remembered your birthday, Melania.
I got you-- I--
I got Truth Social shares.
Surprise.
[cheering]
Totally love it.
And also the tie I'm wearing.
The funny thing is Truth Social is such a failure of a company
that she probably doesn't even want the shares.
It's almost like when your kids give you that gift,
but it's just, like, a piece of macaroni art
for your birthday.
You know, she was probably just like, (IMITATING MELANIA) oh,
so cute.
You think this is worth something.
Thank you, Donald.
[laughter]
Now, just to be clear--
just to be clear, though, I am totally
on Trump's side in the story.
Yeah, yeah.
It's the year 2022.
If you go into business with Donald Trump,
and you are surprised that you got scammed, that's on you.
What were you thinking?
Well, I know the last guy that Trump worked with almost
got hanged by an angry mob.
But I think I'm going to turn out fine.
I don't know what could go wrong.
[applause]
But let's move on from Donald Trump
to this year's hot new mini Trump, Herschel Walker,
Georgia Senate candidate and closed captioning's
worst nightmare.
There are a lot of controversies swirling
around Walker-- his attack on absentee parents
despite being one, his opposition to abortion
despite allegedly paying for one, his attempt
to become a Senator despite not knowing
how many states America has.
And in his first debate over the weekend,
Walker tried to clear up one controversy
with a little prop comedy.
REPORTER: At a debate Friday night,
Herschel Walker responded to accusations
that he has pretended to be a police
officer by flashing what appeared to be a fake badge.
MODERATOR: Gentlemen--
I have to respond to that.
And you know what's so funny?
I am-- work with many police officers.
REPORTER: In a new interview, the former football
star says the badge is real.
He says he got it from the Sheriff
of Johnson County, Georgia.
Walker clarified, It's an honorary badge.
The National Sheriffs Association
said, an honorary badge, quote, "is for the trophy case."
Why make the decision to flash it at the debate?
That is totally not true.
You know, I don't know what's crazier in this story,
the fact that this man lied about being in law
enforcement or the fact that he pulled out
a fake badge during a debate--
during a debate.
Or the fact that after, the Sheriffs
Association said that his badge is just an honorary one.
He said, no, they're wrong.
They're totally wrong.
It's like-- it almost makes me wonder, how many people
has Herschel Walker arrested?
Huh?
Is there someone locked up in his basement
right now who's just like, is this a real prison?
There's a foosball table in here!
He's like, it's an honorary prison.
[laughter]
Does he treat every symbolic object like this?
Like, people say I'm an absentee father,
but if that were true, why would I have this world's best
dad mug, huh?
Not OK dad, not a good dad, world's best dad.
That's official.
In fact, I have seven of these mugs to prove it,
and some I haven't even received yet.
You know the saddest part of the story
is that there are people who are going to believe
that Herschel Walker was in law enforcement
because he pulled out this badge.
This is something I've learned in America.
People see it-- they believe it.
It's the same way there were people who believed that Trump
actually did step away from his company
just because he posed next to a stack of empty folders.
Yeah, and you're like, he's lying.
People are like, why would he be lying?
He's standing next to empty folders.
Would he stand next to them if it wasn't true?
Are you next to empty folders?
No, you're not.
But it's honorary.
Like, Taylor Swift, for instance,
got an honorary doctorate from NYU this year.
But you don't see her in the operating room like, well,
killed another one, huh?
All right, let's get lunch and try again later.
Guess maybe I'll try brains next time instead of hearts.
[laughs]
[applause]
I will say, the one upside of this whole story,
though, is there is some good news.
Because this means that Georgia voters don't even
need to elect Herschel Walker Senator.
They can just give him a certificate that says,
honorary Senator.
He won't know the difference.
[cheering]
He won't know.
Let's move on to some criminal justice news.
Right now a right-wing militia member
named Paul Bellar is on trial for hatching a plot
back in 2020 to kidnap the governor of Michigan, which
means, every day, the jurors have to look at a man accused
of an evil, heinous crime.
Just imagine that, every day, staring into those eyes.
Are you turned on?
[laughter]
No, because apparently someone was.
REPORTER: Well, a juror has been dismissed from the trial
of three men in connection with the 2020 plot
to kidnap Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer.
She was dismissed by the judge on Friday
after attorneys accused her of flirting
with one of the defendants.
Now, the flirtatious behavior was described
as nonverbal communication in the form of eye contact
and smiles between the juror and defendant, Paul Bellar.
While the prosecutor originally pointed out the conduct,
several others, including Bellar's attorney,
stated that they had seen interactions between the two.
The judge dismissed the juror out
of an abundance of caution.
God damn!
First of all, congrats to this woman for finding a new way
to get out of jury duty. Huh?
[laughter]
Truly an inspiration for us all.
[applause]
But I have to say--
I have to say, I'm kind of sad that they
kicked her off the case.
Think of how great it would have been
when they read the verdict.
We the jury sentence the defendant to life with me.
[laughter]
I guess the real lesson here is that bad boys stay winning.
This guy is literally on trial for trying
to kidnap the governor, huh, and he's still getting love.
It's always like this.
Every famous criminal has all these groupies
who are like, (FLIRTY) is there a Mrs. Serial Killer?
Oh-- oh, there was, but you chopped
her into little pieces?
So you're single now.
[laughter]
But I would like to know how this happened.
How did this happen?
Because when you report for jury duty in America,
they make you watch a video that expressly tells you what
you should and shouldn't do.
[music playing]
Please, remember, while performing
this sacred civic duty, it is important to avoid
doing the following things--
reading about the case in the news,
going like this to the defendant,
going like this to the defendant, going like this
to the defendant.
Thank you for your service, and, please,
don't try to smash.
Everyone watches that video.
How did that happen?
All right, finally--
[applause]
Let's talk about the latest news in Russia's war
with Ukraine.
If you've been following the war,
you know that almost everybody has
been helping Ukraine fight off the world's
worst Botox customer.
America is sending weapons.
The EU is sending financial assistance.
England is sending Prince Andrew-- not to help,
they just want to get rid of him.
But it may surprise you to know who has been giving Ukraine
their internet service and how close it
recently came to going away.
Elon Musk reversing course, the billionaire now
says his SpaceX company will continue to fund Ukraine's
critical satellite service.
SpaceX's Starlink internet service
has been a vital source of communication
for the Ukrainian military during its war with Russia.
The reversal coming after exclusive CNN
reporting that SpaceX sent a letter to the Pentagon,
warning that it may stop funding the service
unless the US military kicks in tens of millions of dollars
each month.
Musk tweeting this weekend, "The hell with it."
Even though Starlink is still losing money,
and other companies are getting billions of taxpayer money,
we'll just keep funding the Ukraine government for free."
You know, Elon Musk is the only person
who can do a good thing, but in the bitchiest way possible.
You know, he's just like, guess I'll just
keep helping Ukraine for free.
Like, look, I'm not going to even try to tell Elon
Musk how to use his money.
But I will tell you this, Elon.
This is not how you get remembered as an inspiring
figure in history.
All right?
You're doing a good thing, but then
you're saying it like that.
Can you imagine if Martin Luther
King, Jr. had this attitude when
he was trying to do his good?
(IMITATING MLK) I have a dream, I guess.
Because I don't see nobody else having a dream,
so I guess it's all me.
I got to sleep 20 hours a day because these bitch
asses don't want to come up with dreams on their own.
People be like, Martin, you want to go to the club?
But I can't.
I got to go home to sleep because I got to have a dream.
That's some bullshit, but I guess I got to do it anyway.
It wouldn't be the same.
[cheering]
Can I tell you what I think happened here?
What I think happened here is Elon Musk
saw an opportunity to be the good guy
and make a lot of money--
give the Ukrainians internet, but then, over time,
have the American government step in and pick up the tab.
Yeah.
But because they said no, now he's stuck.
He is.
Keep losing money or be the asshole who
cut off Ukraine's internet.
And I know some people think Elon is evil,
but he's not cable company evil.
Come on.
And I actually get Elon's frustration
because think about it.
Think about it.
Weapons manufacturers are donating missiles to Ukraine.
The US government is paying them.
So Elon is going, well, why shouldn't I get paid?
And, also, like everyone else, I'm
sure Elon didn't expect the war to go on for this long.
You know, it's sort of like when you hold the door
open for someone, right?
But then other people keep walking through the door.
So you're holding the door for 20 minutes.
And, finally, you let go, and then it slams
some old lady in the face.
She's like, ah, you broke my nose!
And then your boss runs up.
He's like, you're fired!
And you're like, I don't even work here.
He's like, not with that attitude, you don't!
And now you're an asshole, and you're
unemployed just because you were trying to be nice.
All right, that's it for the headlines.
But before we go to a quick break,
let's check in on the stock market
with our finance expert, Michael Kosta, everybody!
[cheering]
Good to see you, Michael.
Monday markets, what is happening in the market today?
I'm crushing it.
I mean, I am crushing it like a 19-year-old
me used to crush Adderall pills,
getting ready for the big party I wasn't invited to.
About right?
So I also got a hot tip for you.
TREVOR NOAH: OK.
Got a hot tip.
Now the big financial news today is that Albertsons
has been acquired by Kroger.
And if this deal goes through, it
will become the second biggest grocery chain in America right
after Walmart, OK?
But before we get to that, I want
to talk to you about that flirting juror in Michigan.
Yeah, yeah.
Everyone says she's flirt--
I mean, that's not flirting.
You know, she's just being nice.
People-- people in New York think
someone's flirting just because they haven't pushed
you down the stairs, OK?
She's just being Midwest nice.
I'm from Michigan, OK?
I know about eye [bleep],, all right?
Was she doing this, you know?
TREVOR NOAH: What are you-- what are you--
what are you-- what are you doing?
You see how good I am at eye [bleep],, OK?
Kosta gets the girls' eyes wet, all right, which--
which, technically, is crying, but it's
a very-- it's a moist eye.
Look, Kroger-- let's get to Kroger.
TREVOR NOAH: Yes, let's go to Kroger.
Kroger bought Albertsons for 24.6 billion, all right?
Now that's before you factor any coupons they may have had.
But, look, this big jump right here, this is not when Kroger
actually acquired Albertsons.
In my expert opinion, this is when Albertsons
implemented self checkout, OK?
Now this saved them a lot of labor costs,
and that's why the value shot up.
But what all grocery stores don't realize
is that self checkout, it's really just inviting
us to steal, isn't it?
You know, and it takes people some time to figure that out.
But when they do, woosh, it hurts profits.
And that's what you start to see right here.
I mean, self checkout, I got to know what type of mushroom
this is now?
I don't know.
How about I just steal it?
OK?
Trevor, I had a bushel of carrots, OK?
And it's not coming up, and it's not coming up.
And then it's like, what's the produce number?
I don't know the produce number.
So now I'm spelling it out on the keypad.
Carrots-- K-A-R-R-O-T-S, and it's still not coming up.
It's just easier if I steal it, OK?
I used to work at a grocery store.
I-- I did.
I was in charge of stocking the orange juice, but I got fired.
I-- I couldn't concentrate.
Well--
[laughter] - Oh, really?
Thank you.
But, actually, I threw a cantaloupe at an old lady.
I thought she was stealing.
So-- but, look, look, look-- everybody, look.
This supermarket merger, it's great news.
Everyone's worried about the price of groceries,
but now there's going to be less competition,
and a giant corporation will have more power than ever
to decide the price of food.
And I'm sure they're going to do the right thing.
Speaking of doing the right thing, Musk
with the internet in Ukraine, I love
that he's helping Ukraine. This is so cool.
Everyone's helping out.
The US is sending weapons.
Europe is sending money.
Trevor, I assume Africa is sending some
of your child soldiers or--
[laughs]
[crowd groaning]
Oh, stop. Stop.
I can make that joke.
I have an honorary African badge.
[laughter]
All right?
Yeah.
TREVOR NOAH: Seriously, Kosta?
Yeah.
TREVOR NOAH: That's not even what
the African badge looks like. Just do the markets now.
OK, look, I got a hot tip. I got a hot tip.
Here's my hot tip.
If you work at a grocery store, and you throw a cantaloupe
at an old lady, you have to be 100% certain
that she was stealing, all right?
Now back to you, Trevor, my fellow African.
Michael Kosta, everybody.
[cheering]