Translator: Hana Colucci Reviewer: Peter van de Ven
I want you to imagine that you're five or six years old.
You're laying in your bedroom,
and your bedroom is dark.
You're scared because you're pretty sure that there is a monster in your closet.
Maybe it's under your bed,
you don't know.
So you scream for your mom and your dad,
and they come in, they turn on the light,
they check in the closet, they look under your bed and there is no monster,
and you feel instantly safe.
But for me, as we sit in the dark together,
this is when I feel the most safe
because my monster can't see me and he doesn't know where I am.
But as the lights start to come up,
my fears and my anxiety are real, and they are big.
I can feel my hands starting to get kind of clammy right now,
I can feel my heart starting to race,
I'm probably getting blotchy on my chest and my neck,
that happens when I feel anxious,
and I feel this way whenever I think about this topic
because in 2013 and 2014,
my family and I were victimized by a stalker,
and he's still out there somewhere.
I feel relatively confident that he is not in the room with us today,
which is probably a good thing.
And my fear doesn't come so much from talking to all of you,
my fear comes from the idea that maybe one day he'll see this video online,
and although that we haven't had a problem the last four years,
those problems could begin again.
I think it's important for you guys all to understand
that stalking is a persistent pattern of unwanted behavior,
committed by another person that makes you feel scared, threatened, or fearful
for you and your family's safety.
A couple of weeks into our stalking issues,
I received a text message from an untraceable cellphone number,
that said, "Life as you know it will never be the same again."
Those 11 little words never leave my mind.
What did they even mean?
Did this person want to kill me?
Kidnap me?
Hurt my kids? Hurt my husband?
I didn't know.
All I know is that someone out there,
and I had a pretty good idea of who it was,
wanted to hurt me, and there is a lot of ways to make that happen.
The fear that I felt was paralyzing,
and it stopped me in my tracks for three years.
Prior to my victimization,
I was a strong woman.
I'm a business owner,
I was a recognized national speaker that used to travel all over the country,
I used to go running all the time,
I was involved in all kinds of local community events,
and all of that stopped.
I've come to learn that I'm not alone in my reactions.
Stalking victims typically experience a higher prevalence of social dysfunction,
of anxiety,
of severe depression, and insomnia.
In my case, I stopped running because I was just afraid to be alone, outside,
definitely.
I couldn't go to work because my depression and my anxiety
was too much for me to manage without a lot of therapy.
More than half of all stalking victims lose five or more days of work;
I lost three years.
Three years.
My husband and I,
we stopped socializing because I was just an emotional wreck all the time.
And the guilt that I felt for bringing this person into my life,
and now that my kids had to suffer for it, and my husband ...
was horrible.
We probably should have gone for help to the police at this point,
but at this point, I took 100% of the responsibility
for everything that was going on.
And, as far as I was concerned,
I had hurt the person who was doing this to us,
so it was really my fault.
The fear that I felt was horrible, but the feeling of being hunted,
and my family being hunted,
that is the most crippling thing that I have ever felt.
For months, we tried to handle things on our own.
And when the first fake Facebook page was created, pretending to be me,
it reached out to all my family and friends,
and horrible things were said online.
We reported it and it was taken down.
When it happened for the second time,
and this time it attached itself to my business
and reached out to my business colleagues all over the country,
we reported it.
And it was taken down.
But when it happened for the third time,
and this time it attached itself to our kids' elementary school,
well that sent me over the emotional deep edges,
I'm sure you can imagine.
And that is when we finally got the authorities involved.
After we filled out reports with the Sheriff's Department,
we were approached by a victims advocate,
who will always have a special place in my heart.
We went to see her,
and I remember sitting on her couch, and my husband was sitting here,
and she was sitting here,
and I was shaking, and I was crying,
and I was apologizing to them both for creating this horrible madness
that now infected our lives.
And she looked at me, and she put her hand in mine.
She handed me a folder packet,
and she said, "Robin, I didn't write this for you, but you need to read it."
You see, up until that point, I still took all of the responsibility
for everything that was happening to our family.
But it was that advocate, in that moment,
on that day,
that made me realize, oh my God, we're being stalked right now.
And this behavior is not normal, and it's not okay,
and it is not my fault.
If you're going through this right now, I need you to listen to me.
It's not your fault either.
The first page in the packet that she gave me
was a list of typical stalking behaviors.
And this is what it said.
"A stalker will attempt to control, track, and threaten you
for a variety of different ways."
Everything on that list described us to a T.
This confident, strong woman that you're looking at on stage today
stayed hidden behind a locked door in my house,
and when I was home alone for one year,
if somebody rang the doorbell,
I didn't answer it.
Because I was sure, whoever was on the other side of that door
was there to kidnap or kill me.
Even if it was the UPS guy, and I like getting stuff.
But I was sure, no matter what color they were wearing,
that they were out to get me.
Can you imagine feeling that way all the time?
When I did leave the house, it was only to drive our kids to and from school
or to pick them up.
And when I was in my car, I was constantly looking in my rearview mirror
to make sure I wasn't being followed.
Their principle, their teachers, they all had pictures of our alleged stalker.
With very specific instructions to never let those kids leave without us.
Thank God our kids were little, and didn't know what was going on,
because we watched them like hawks,
and had they been teenagers,
you know the kind that know everything?
And have no fear about anything?
They would've fought us tooth and nail to keep them safe,
my husband and I would probably still be in therapy today.
We probably should be because they're all teenagers now.
(Laughter)
But it has taken me four years to get back to a new normal life.
I call it my new normal life
because the deep-rooted fear that exists from being stalked
never leaves you.
You have days that are easier, but then something happens
and you go right back to that panic and fear of when it first happened.
So you may be asking yourself
how it is that I even feel comfortable talking to all of you about this today.
And to be honest, I don't feel a 100% comfortable.
I feel very vulnerable sharing this story that's very personal to my husband and I.
And we actually went back and forth
for quite a while on if we should even talk about this.
But we both agreed, in the end,
that if we could help somebody else going through the same story,
then sharing what's going on with us and how we got through it
is worth it.
One of my favorite authors and speakers, Brené Brown, says,
"There is strength in vulnerability."
And today is another step in my emotional healing and my strength,
this is how I'm choosing to move forward
even though I'm always looking behind my back.
Because I know, the sooner you start to talk about the stalking,
the sooner it gets you back in the driver's seat of your own life
and the quicker it takes the domination away from the stalker.
Seven and a half million people in the United States,
every year, are victimized by stalkers.
And of that seven and half million,
85% of them know the person who is stalking them.
Look around this room right now.
30 people in this room could be going through a similar situation.
One if four women and one in thirteen men
are victimized by stalking at some point in their lifetime.
And of all the different types of stalking out there, the most common,
which is called "Intimate relationship stalking,"
does happen more often to women.
But the second most common,
which is called "Acquaintance stalking,"
happens more often to men.
The good news, and I always like to find good news in every bad situation,
is that since the 1990s, stalking now is illegal in every state in our country.
Which is a big deal.
But the thing here is, no matter what, it is a very personal crime,
it is a very dangerous crime,
and there are no one-size-fits-all lists of solutions for everybody
to deal with what they are dealing with.
So I want to share with you the four things that worked for us.
The first, which is very hard,
is to stop all communication with the person who is stalking you.
You have to find your bravery to tell the person upfront,
"I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore,"
and I did this, I did it so many times.
I did it over text, I did it over phone.
I now realize because I kept responding to the person who was stalking me,
I was giving him exactly what he wanted.
It was continual power over me.
The second thing you need to do
is you need to tell people around you,
you need to create an army of support,
your friends, your family, your coworkers.
A few weeks into our stalking situation,
I was planning an event for a local charity in town.
Two hours before the event was supposed to happen,
I went home to take a shower
and put on my dress to go back and work the event that night.
One hour before I was going to leave my house,
I've got a call from a coworker who was working the event with me
to let me know that the person who was stalking me
had just RSVP'd to attend that party.
So one hour before that party was supposed to happen,
I made the decision not to go.
Tough call for me because I was in charge of the party.
He never went that night either.
And I often wonder
if he was in the parking lot watching to see if I was going to go in,
and that's a fear that never leaves my mind.
The other thing that you need to think about is social media.
My recommendation is to get off of it,
but we all love our social media.
So if you can't or won't, then you need to use the privacy settings
and block your stalker from seeing what you're doing,
and you need to make sure that your friends don't post about you.
The person who made those fake Facebook pages pretending to be me
went so far as to go on my family's pages and copy pictures of my family
to put them on those fake pages so they looked like they were mine.
The third thing you need to do
is to keep yourself safe.
This might sound exhausting to you, but it's become second nature to me.
I drive different ways to work all the time,
I leave my house at different times,
I've even been known to change gyms.
I am always aware of my surroundings,
and I'm very rarely running by myself anymore,
and if I do it's in a populated area.
I've also learned all kinds of self-defense techniques,
this is super empowering.
My favorite is boxing, I have a mean right hook.
(Laughter)
Well, my boxing instructors says I do.
(Laughter)
I'm also very, very trained
in the use of self-defense techniques like pepper spray.
But if you want to learn how to do this,
you need to talk to a professional about it,
because the last you want to accidentally do when you are scared at home
and not wanting to answer the door
is taze your neighbor.
(Laughter)
So make sure you get help with all of this stuff.
The fourth thing you need to remember to do
is to keep track of everything -
and remember, stalking is illegal in the US.
So keep track of your records,
if you want to get a TPO, a temporary protective order,
that's great.
I should've done this, it was recommended to us to do this.
I didn't do it.
Because I didn't want to make crazy crazier,
and I was scared to have to see my stalker in court.
I wish I hadn't had that fear,
and I'm telling you: fight the fear.
Because had we gotten that TPO,
we would've had a whole lot of less issues that we had because we didn't have it.
So be brave,
go to your local authorities for help,
call your victims advocate,
if you don't know who to call, I want you to call
the Victim Connect Resource Centre at 855-4-VICTIM,
they specialize in helping victims of stalking.
As far as me and me telling my story to all of you today on this stage,
this is the final way that I'm getting my power back.
To the person who stalked me, I have one thing to tell you:
life as I know it, is not the same anymore.
It's better.
I am stronger,
I am a better leader,
I am a better communicator,
I am a better wife and a better mother.
I am no longer led by my fear,
I am no longer a victim or even a survivor.
I am a thriver.
Thank you very much.
(Applause)