Do you want to know how to teach your child not to be scared? I'm Nicholeen Peck and I'm
the mother of four, previous foster parent of many and I teach about parenting all over
the world. I had a child who was scared. We're gonna talk about that in this video.
In this video, I want to share a story about my son who was scared about lots of things for a
long time, and how we helped him overcome his fear of some of these new experiences
and some things to go bump in the night. There are certain things that you don't want to
do and certain things that you do want to do. So, what don't you do? Number one, don't
coddle, that is super important. So, when the child is afraid of something don't like,
try to make everything like there's nothing to be afraid of ever. That's coddling and
if you get emotionally invested in their emotion, that's technically a power struggle. It's
called the passive power struggle not one that we normally recognize but they definitely
do happen. Now, sometimes when a child is afraid that just means that they want someone
to assure them that everything okay. But it doesn't have to be done in a way that seems
like there's a panic or somebody is getting emotional about their emotions. So keep that
in mind. No coddling, it doesn't help. In fact, it will only increase the fear that
they are experiencing. Probably the most important thing that you can do with the child who is
experiencing some sort of fear or anxiety is recognize that what's happening in the
brain is they are reverting back to the same place in a triggered situation. So, there
are certain pathways that we create in our brain and anxiety definitely creates stronger
pathways. So, once we go to one place at time and time again when a new thing occurs. Like,
maybe it a new situation and were unsure because we have to do something new that we've never
done before. Then we immediately revert to that place and it's just a habit. That doesn't
mean that the person truly thinks that they can't do it. It's just they go to that habitual
spot that feeling and then they start having emotions and thoughts that tell them that
they can't do whatever it is. One of the most important things that we can do for our children
is help them understand that they can pick new thoughts inside their brain. This is a
very empowering idea. What? I can choose to think something different. Yes, even practice
it. Play a game where you bring up new situations and you talk about what could happen or what
thoughts we might experience. What fears we might experience then say, "Then how can we
change those thoughts?", "What if we said this instead?". In fact, you can play a game
out of it. You can play a matching game that is, this thing could happen and this is the
thought I could have after. To help them develop productive ideas. So that they can overcome
some of these fear habits that they keep reverting back to. Just remember, anytime that chemical
drives you to a place in your brain, that pathway is going to be much easier to follow
the next time than if it's just a normal thought. So, feelings and emotions that produce chemicals
are often times very powerful and take a lot of conscious effort to overcome. So we need
to be understanding, not annoyed or frustrated. In fact, if we get annoyed or frustrated the
child would like, "See, I knew I had to be worried about something." Because now the
parent is feeling something too and that type of a power struggle, yes it is power struggle,
not one you might notice on a regular basis. But it is one, is the type of thing that gets
them feeling like they are validated in that fear that they are having. Another thing that
you wanna do to help your child is to make sure that you have a really good bond. Good
bond, good open communication. They need to feel safe with you that's really important.
So, they need to fell like they could come to you for anything and that you're not gonna
get angry or frustrated about anything. So, it doesn't matter what time of the night or
what time of the day. You're not gonna go, "This is not a big deal, stop it." No way,
you're never gonna do that. Instead, you're gonna say, "Okay, tell me about it, let's
talk about it. Now, let's see what's happening inside your head and let's see if we can pick
a new thought to have inside your head." Sometimes, there are things that attack our children
and I say that truly. I have felt it before, fear is attacking my children in the night.
In the way of things like nightmares and stuff like that and if they have a nightmare then
sometimes they're afraid of having other nightmares. Which then makes them afraid to go to bed.
So, I always tell my children that in our family we have spiritual power. We pray we
call upon God, we bless the children, we bless the home. So that they will not have any dark
feelings, dark spirits at our house. Maybe that doesn't resonate with you But if you're
a spiritual person like me, trust me it's worth it. Because the children are able to
rely upon the power of greater than themselves. So then they know that they don't have to
be worried about their problems. Do you know a lot of people are afraid because they think
everything rests upon them. They have to solve everything themselves. So, bonding with parents
and bonding with God and relying on both of those people those characters in a child's
life, helps them know that everything gonna be okay. In fact, sometimes we have conversations
with my son when I would say to him things like, "Porter, did you that even if you had
a bad dream at night mom would still be here. I would always be here. I would never leave
and you can always say mom and I would come. No matter what." He thought about it, "Oh,
I didn't think about that. Someones always there for me." "Porter, did you know that
when you have a bad dream, that you can always call out to God. That you can always pray.
That he will always be with you when you want him there." That made him really think. Sometimes
we don't tell out children enough of the story and so they only have one piece that they're
hyper-focusing on again and again and again. Before I share my last two points. I wanna
invite you to subscribe to this channel. Every day on this channel, I come up with amazing
new content just like this and you won't want to miss this. So, subscribe now. Next, practice,
just like in that little game were practicing making new thoughts and preparing to handle
those little anxieties with they come. We need to practice exactly how we will act and
move in this situation. Our children need that pre-teaching. They need to know the words
that you will say when they have a problem and the words that they can say to themselves
too. To tell themselves that it's okay. I remember hearing Porter one day talking to
himself and saying, "It's okay Porter, it's okay. It's not gonna be hard." How wonderful
that he learned how to tell himself that it was okay. I wanna tell you another story about
Lyndon. When Lyndon was about four years old she was afraid of being in front of other
people and she was asked by our church if she would give a small little talk in front
of a congregation of other children w/in the little children's group at the church. Now
for her, that was very nerve-wracking, so we practiced. In fact, I wrote down Lyndon's
exacts words. We practiced it at home because practice is key, right? And then, I said to
her, "Now Lyndon, when we are there a the church I will be there with you and if you
want me too I will stand next to you. But I won't tell you the words to say, because
you already know them. I won't whisper in your ear like some parents do. Because these
are your words and if don't want to say them, you don't have too and we can tell everyone,
"I guess Lyndon doesn't want to say her words today", and that's okay and you can sit down.
But I will stand there with you Lyndon, I'll even hold your hand if you want me too. She
looked at me very strong and she said, "Okay". So she was mentally preparing to do a hard
thing. So the day came and we got to the church and she was ready to go. She was actually
really excited about it but then she stood in front of all those children and she looked
at me and so, I came over and I stood next to her. I said, "Do you want me to stand next
to you?", and she said "Yeah", and I said, "Okay, I'll stand next to you. Go ahead, Lyndon."
And she stood there and she looked and she didn't do it. And after minutes went by, I
leaned into the little microphone in front of the group and I said, "It looks like Lyndon
might be deciding not to do her talk today and maybe there will be another time that
she can give you this talk. Because it's really good, she made it all by herself", and then
me and Lyndon went and set back down. And when she sat down, she had this look on her
face slightly of relief but also like a disappointment, "I didn't do it." So now she had something
to work toward. Well, in the middle of the next week she said to me, "Mom, do you think
I can give my talk next Sunday? Do you think they would let me give my talk?". and I said,
"I'll call them and see. Do you really wanna do it? Will you really do it this time?",
and she said, "If you stand by me, yes", I said, "Okay." So, I called up the lady in
charge of the children's ministry, and I said, "Can Lyndon give her talk again?", and this
leader said, "Yes, of course", and so, Lyndon stood up and I stood by her side. She took
a big breath and she said her words which amounted to about 6 sentences. But she did
it and she showed up the picture that went with the words that she decided to say and
she was so excited for herself. That she has done a hard thing, she had conquered something
that has been scary for her. I allowed her to practice. I told her how I would handle
it if she chose to fail and then I allowed her to fail. I think sometimes parenting the
children cant fail otherwise, they get more fear. But sometimes having those little failures
drive them to finally conquer it. Maybe life is just a little bit too safe sometimes for
our children. Maybe we control it too much and we needed to pre-teach the cause and effect
of how it will work and let them choose. That's what I did for Lyndon. That's what I did for
Porter and both of those children are incredibly brave adults and almost adults now. I hope
you enjoyed the information about how to help your child not be scraed. If you've enjoyed
this video, I'm pretty sure that you will enjoy my next video which is, how to stop
kids from whining. Click on that link now and I'll see you there.