For a few weeks I've been working in Malaysia, where the word "anxiety" literally means emergency.
So wherever I go, "Anxiety" would be written everywhere.
For example in schools, you'd have "Anxiety Bells", which...
Is actually a fire emergency alarm.
In planes, there are Anxiety Doors. "Please locate the Anxiety Doors around you."
That actually means Emergency Exits.
On the side of the street, "Anxiety - 15 km". This made me think that anxiety is everywhere.
And so I thought of TEDx.
And about what I would share with you today.
I am a writer, a performer and an artist,
And I am an advocate and researcher of art and disability.
I also identify myself as differently-abled.
And I'm going to share a little about all of this to everyone.
But first I'd like to...
Perform a poem and then share a story about...
The anxiety behind this poem.
The poem is written in English.
And the title is "Leakier Eyes Than Thou".
That eat pray love lady said on Oprah,
Who hasn't Cried on the bathroom floor? I could tell her some stories, I could best her.
I've cried in bathrooms private and public, in beds my own and not,
In chairs, standing up, eating, fucking, laughing, walking home with laundry, In classrooms full of people,
Staring at mountains in ecstasy, underwater, up in the air, silently, while heaving,
With stillborn screams, sedated, intoxicated, having been berated, like a baby,
Having made a personal breakthrough, listening to anything with unusually resonant string arrangements,
Each time my body broke again, each time I knelt in prayer (when I prayed that way),
Weddings, funerals, any second in the presence of my grandmothers,
Especially the one who's having trouble speaking right now, and knows Esperanto.
And didn't need to go to Italy, nor India, nor home to keep me whole.
I've cried on subways for the length each line can go. One time an old man with grey speckled beard
Sitting opposite said, "It'll be OK."
And once, I started to stare at the lady next to me while I was doing it; to my surprise she began to sob.
Yeah, right there in the subway car! I told this story to a man who said,
"cryinginsubways.com would be a great website." Must've took years off my life,
My weeping for him. I've wept for men who sure as hell do not deserve it. For miraculous friends,
And in worry for my brother, who means well In all ways but needs to be kind to himself.
And for finances that cause hernias, for the eyes of the dead in photographs,
For days when I feel bested in all the ways there is, but my ability to hold forth and let the eyes water.
Yes. This is a shining talent.
But it is eminently easy to hone, and practice begins at birth.
Happily, Tears seem to correlate with one's capacity to love.
[Audience Clapping]
So, that was a happy poem about crying.
Now, that poem was very personal to me, and those were all real places I've cried in.
First time I wrote that poem in 2011, I never thought that it would be a performance.
That i would be reading it on stage.
And then when I became a writer in residence at Vermont Studio Center in United States.
Then, this one night...
All the writers had to read what they wrote during the residence.
We were talking about which ones we want to read..
At the time I had 7 poems I wanted to read.
And when I shared "Leakier Eyes Than Thou".
This friend of mine, an American poet. He said to me,
"Okka don't read that poem, it's too personal, no one wants to hear about the places you've cried in."
"This just isn't the stage for it."
I instantly became worried and anxious
What would people think of me when I read it?
At that time I was very stressed and ill. And was worried about performing.
But at the last minute, I thought to myself, oh what the hell.
This is a photo of me reading that poem for the first time.
And now this has become my comfort poem.
I've read that poem in 4 countries now, Australia, Malaysia, Indonesia and United States.
And if I were to read 10 poems to the audience, this has got to be one of them.
Because that poem says to me, "Even if you think people will not accept you."
"Even if you feel people may laugh at you."
"Ignore it, just say it, perform it, and don't mind it."
Now it's your turn! [Laugh]
Did you think only Kyla and I would be performing?
But really, as someone who teaches performance,
I believe that everyone in the world has the potential and talent to be a performer.
So now I'm asking everyone to stand up. Yes, all of the audience.
This is a little exercise usually to start off a performance workshop,
To allow those who has never performed to relax a little.
We'll start with an easy one, just sing out your name.
For example, "My name is Okkaaa."
Ok, so now you guys think about this for 10 seconds.
How are you going to sing out your name? It could be in dangdut, "my name is Bejooo..."
Or even rock, "my name is Intaaan..."
Ok, 5 more seconds yeah?
Think about it...
Ok, ready?
Ok!
One...
Two...
Three!
[Audience Cheering]
Awesome, thank you.
[Audience Clapping]
Thank you TEDxJakarta performers, you guys were amazing. Please sit back down.
Before you guys had to perform there was a slight feeling of anxiety, right?
There's a slight anxiety even though there are more than 250 people here,
There has got to be a slightly restless feeling, and that's ok!
Because in performing, that restlessness builds up a sense of caring,
And awareness to what we are about to perform. And that also stimulates improvisation.
So in the past... first of all, everyone lives with anxiety.
But in the past, I was very anxious and worried about my mental and physical health that were manyfold.
And then one day a friend of mine said, "Okka, anxiety is a prerequisite for imagination."
If we're not anxious, we can never imagine and work out a solution to a problem.
For example, most of us live in Jakarta,
filled with pollution and traffic. It's crazy,
Your favourite Satay place is closing,
Ooh very worried, stressful...
But because of that, we Jakartans become very creative, right?
We are so creative that every day we have to think about,
"Which route should I take today?". We're being creative to avoid traffic, right?
Without anxiety we won't be able to create and imagine.
If for example we want to create a song.
There is definitely a certain anxiousness behind it.
Like, this song hasn't existed and needs to be made...
We get restless, so the solution has got to be to create this song! Right?
This is just like what Cameron Russell said in her talk,
"How people see us has such a great impact on our lives."
Sometimes I look like this...
Even now, if I get too tired.
This is because I'm not neurotypical, I have a neurological disorder that affects my mental and physical health.
So if I get too exhausted by, let's say, running...
Then the right side of my body becomes difficult to move and I'm in pain,
in most parts of the right side of my body.
So, this is a photo of me when I was in New York, when I was being taken home from the doctor by my friend.
I took my master's degree at NYU majoring in New Media Arts. After I graduated,
My neurological problem peaked.
I had to go home to Jakarta and the doctors prescribed me a bed rest for about 8 months.
And I didn't work outside my bedroom for 10 months.
But that brought me this clarity.
With so much clarity, I realized that,
I was in my lowest point, all I wanted to do is to create, write and make art.
And at that moment I didn't know if I'd be able to walk outside my bedroom or not,
So I started researching,
About becoming an artist with disabilities.
It should be noted that not all disabilities are medically related.
A majority of disabilities in the world... and by the way,
People with disabilities are the biggest minority in the world,
So, I'm certain that many of you here,
Have some form of disability or have a family member or a friend with a disability.
So, this shouldn't be foreign for you guys.
And I found, in my time of research, which has been going for 1.5 years.
This amazing movement of artist with disabilities,
Using their art to find equality and justice for the diff-abled community.
This past November, with the help of the Australian Embassy, and
The Research Center for Disability at University of Indonesia, I presented the results...
of my research at an international conference in Sydney, called Earths Activated.
Where hundreds of people from around the world gathered,
From Australia especially, that considered arts and disability as a movement.
People in Indonesia, and even broader in Southeast Asia,
Still see that art events by the diff-abled community as some charity event.
"Oh, poor them."
When instead, this is a viable sector that needs to be embraced.
When I was in Sydney, on the first day I ran all the way to the conference room.
I got exhausted and couldn't move the right side of my body, so I was provided a chill-out room.
There is nothing to be pitied about the diff-abled community.
Except that the world is just not designed for our needs.
The world is not made for our needs.
If the world was egalitarian and all infrastructure and public policy were made for equality of all abilities,
Then we don't need to be pitied at all.
They are my friends and in the front is one of my idols, Petra Kuppers.
Who is a Professor at the University of Michigan from Germany.
And she is a Community Dance Activist, going around the world with her partner to embrace arts and disability.
In the future, I will be working together with partners...
From all over the world to think about how technology and art...
Can support the rights of the diff-abled community.
This is still ongoing, so if you want to know more about it, feel free to chat with me.
But for now,
Let's all perform again!
Can I please ask everyone to stand up again?
Ok, I have another experiment I want everyone to try.
In the past, all the instances where I've cried, I've kept it to myself.
That made me think, there are probably lots of things we don't share with other people.
So for the next 10 seconds, think about something you have never shared with anyone else before.
Maybe it's "I really want to fart right now." [Audience Laughing]
Or, "I really want a pet dog but my parents won't let me."
Or, if you still can't think of any, just share how long it took you to shower this morning!
For example, "Just this morning I showered for 15 minutes...."
5 more seconds, ok?
Ready? Ok.
One...
Two...
Three!
"When I'm anxious, I like to think of the Star Wars theme song." [Audience Cheering]
Ok. Everyone, thank you so much.
I want to end this with a very short poem. Just three lines.
It's about the courage of speaking your opinions and overcoming anxiety...
by loudly proclaiming what we feel inside.
"Ada sungai di pesisir." (there is a river on the shore)
"Sini kalian! ikat tali diri ke samudera." (come here ye! bond yourself to the ocean)
Thank you.
[Audience Clapping]