Hey there. Lately the US government has been flipping out about China. There is definitely
some stuff to flip out about. Backsliding to a president for life, concentration camps,
the crushing of Hong Kong, it's all ugly stuff. But while I think concern makes sense, the full
blown panic we are getting out of Washington DC right now does not. To illustrate this,
I thought it might be fun to do a little role reversal… Imagine If China was the more powerful
country, and over the past ten years, China had done the things to the United States that
we have done to them… C-
Wow it sure has been a prosperous couple decades for our two countries hasn't it?
US- It sure has. We crushed the Soviet Union together, then we
built this crazy globalized economy. Victorious capitalism and iphones It's amazing.
C- sure is. So I think we're going to do a Pivot to the Americas…
US- pivot to the Americas… that sounds a little ominous…
C-Oh no, it's great, you know those policies we have been using in the Middle East since 2001,
we're going to back off of that an pivot our diplomatic and military focus to the Americas.
US- but the middle east is a smoking ruin. That doesn't sound very good to us at all.
C- no you'll love it. So first thing. You know how Canada works really closely with you.
Well they're going to abandon your political system in favor of ours, oh and they're going
to open up their economic system to us at every level, and maybe do a genocide that
destabilizes your whole border region. US- that is not cool man. I mean,
OK. Everybody in the world seems to like your system better . And we do like trading with you,
so I guess this is OK… C-Greaaaat. So we have started
selling Arms to Cuba. US- Wait, What?
C- We are selling Arms to Cuba US- Why? You know we invaded them
a few decades back and they still resent us for that… could you maybe not sell arms to Cuba?
C-Sorry, our defense companies want us to. Also we don't really care what you
think or want or what makes you uncomfortable. US- This is unacceptable. I am sorry China,
you are forcing our hands. We are going to build some islands in the Gulf of Mexico and
put military bases on them. That'll show you.. C Seriously? Our defense companies were kind of
hoping for a bigger threat we could sell to our public.
US- We are building islands in the Gulf Of Mexico and we are putting military airports
on them take that China. China- So In response to our forming
deep and lasting military and economic ties with your closest neighbors… you're going to dump some
concrete on some rocks thousands upon thousands of miles from our shores.
Can't you do better than that? I mean we do have state controlled media in China who will
freak out about anything our military industrial complex tells them to… but
they do have a little self respect. You can't expect them to make a crisis out
of something so petty and stupid. I mean give the Chinese public some credit.
US- oh yeah, well we're also going to start disputes with all of our
neighbors about who owns Caribbean islands. China- So you're going to respond to our getting
too close to all your neighbors… by pissing off all your neighbors? You guys aren't very good
at this geopolitics thing are you? US- fuck you! We're wolf warriors!
C- Fuck us? Well you know how Mexico has had a small military focused mostly on self defense
for like a century now? Well we convinced them to build up their military, oh and they also
renounced the pacifism they agreed to after they lost that war with you.
US- Alright now you've done it. I am going to South
Dakota, I am going to open up some concentration camps for Native Americans, and we are going to do
everything we can to wipe out their culture. China- Jesus. That's… that's pretty grim. I…
I don't think that's going to make anybody like you better man.
US- You don't think so? China- No man that's really fucked up.
US- well we are still economic buddies right? China- well actually, we had this thing called the
TPP that was going to cut you out of world trade entirely, but honestly you're so obviously useless
at this geopolitics thing that we just scrapped it because our new president thought it would
help him out with domestic politics. US- Oh, well I guess we dodged a
bullet there right? China- economically yes,
after four years with our new President your exports are through the roof and
the trade balance is more massively in your favor than it ever has been.
But our president hates you. US- Wait, what? He's great for us
economically but he hates us? China- Yeah we don't get it either.
He can't pronounce your name, he's scared off most of the alliance we built up against you,
but he talks about how much he hates you in like every speech he gives.
US- Every speech? China- Yup!
US- you know how our pride is like really important to us right?
China- I think at this point it's pretty clear how little we care about what you think right.
US- you know what we are going to do? China- What?
US- you really like Seattle don't you? China- yeah, the whole world loves doing
business in Seattle! It's an amazing place with a really sensible legal structure that makes foreign
business feel safe in your insane country. US- Well. We are going to impose some rigorous
new laws on Seattle, interrupting business there for like over a year, and then we
are going to arrest half of the Seattle city council. Wolf Warrior Whoo Hoo!
China- Honestly sometimes I really worry about you man.
I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did. I hope it made sense. The China of today has some real
issues. They have a system that's running out of steam, and it's going a little nuts. But I hope
that this video, and the very real news stories mentioned and linked below, give you a sense of
how US actions might have helped drive China a little nuts. Washington DC is telling us we need
to be more aggressive against China. But we have already been doing that for like a solid decade
and the results have been not great. Maybe we should aim to play a smarter game?