>> Stephen: HELLO, EVERYBODY!
HELLO!
AND WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M STEPHEN COLBRRRRR!
I'M A FREED COMEDIAN.
WE ARE BROADCASTING FROM ICE STATION ZEBRA, HIGH ATOP THE ED
SULLIVAN THEATER, WHERE I HAVE BEEN HUNKERED DOWN FOR THE LAST
24 HOURS.
THIS IS TRUE: I ACTUALLY SPENT THE NIGHT IN MY OFFICE BECAUSE
ALL NON-ESSENTIAL VEHICLES WERE FORBIDDEN TO TAKE TO THE STREETS
OF NEW YORK.
I HAVE NOT LEFT THE BUILDING THIS ENTIRE TIME, I DON'T KNOW
IF THERE'S ANYTHING LEFT ALIVE BESIDES ME.
FOR ALL I KNOW THE ARCTIC TUNDRA OUTSIDE THIS BUILDING IS BEING
RULED BY MARAUDING ICE TRIBES WHOSE ECONOMY IS BASED ON
BARTERING HOT CHOCOLATE AND MARSHMALLOWS, RULED BY THEIR
FEARSOME SWISS MISTRESS.
THE EAST COAST, FROM BOSTON TO WASHINGTON, D.C., IS PARALYZED.
MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ARE TRAPPED IN THEIR HOUSES, BUT FOR A
DIFFERENT REASON, NOW.
MERE IN NEW YORK CITY, IT HAS BEEN COMING DOWN FOR 24 HOURS,
EXPECTED TO CONTINUE THROUGH WEDNESDAY MORNING, BY THE TIME
IT'S OVER WE'RE LOOKING AT NEARLY TWO FEET OF SNOW.
NEW YORKERS: IF YOU'RE CAUGHT OUTSIDE, UNTIL YOU CAN GET TO
SHELTER, REMEMBER: AS A LAST RESORT, YOU CAN ALWAYS STAY WARM
BY SLICING OPEN MAYOR DE BLASIO AND CRAWLING INSIDE.
SOME FOLKS FOUND THE FUN IN THE BLIZZARD.
THE STORM HIT CHICAGO FIRST, WHERE ONE FELLA SNOWBOARDED
WHILE GETTING PULLED BY A CAR.
HERE IN NEW YORK, SOME PEOPLE TOOK TO THE STREETS IN THEIR
CROSS COUNTRY SKIS.
AND IN D.C., THERE WAS A SNOWBALL FIGHT ON THE NATIONAL
MALL, AND NOBODY BROUGHT ZIP TIES.
IT'S THE SECOND TIME IN FOUR WEEKS THAT THE CAPITOL'S BEEN
OVERWHELMED BY A STORM OF WHITENESS.
AND IT'S NOT JUST HUMANS, AS YOU CAN SEE IN THIS DELIGHTFUL
FOOTAGE OF GIANT PANDAS AT THE NATIONAL ZOO.
LOOK AT THAT!
THEY'RE JUST LIKE US: HAVING FUN IN THE SNOW, STUCK IN CAPTIVITY
NOT BREEDING.
OF COURSE, NO COVERAGE OF A BLIZZARD IS COMPLETE WITHOUT
SOMEONE REPORTING FROM THE MIDDLE OF THE SNOWSTORM, SO
LET'S CHECK IN WITH "THE LATE SHOW'S" CHIEF METEOROLOGIST
LIVE ON THE ROOF OF THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER, STEPHEN
COLBERT.
STEPHEN, HOW ARE THINGS LOOKING UP THERE, MY FRIEND?
WELL, STEVE, IT'S COLD AND SNOWY.
HONESTLY, YOU DON'T NEED ANYONE UP HERE TO TELL YOU THAT, YOU
COULD JUST LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOW.
I WOULD, BUT THE WINDOWS ON SET ARE JUST TV SCREENS.
WELL, CHANGE THEM TO STATIC, AND YOU'LL GET THE IDEA.
OKAY, THERE YOU GO.
WOW, THAT'S A LOT OF SNOW!
YEP.
CAN I COME DOWN FROM THE ROOF NOW?
NO, YOU CAN'T.
WELL, WHAT IF I MADE IT WORTH YOUR WHILE, INTRODUCED YOU TO MY
FRIEND BENJAMIN HERE?
CHECK INSIDE YOUR POCKETS, STEVE.
OH, I LIKE THE CUT OF YOUR JIB.
C'MON DOWN, I'LL POUR YOU A DRINK.
MAKE IT A DOUBLE!
THANK YOU, STEPHEN!
NOW, DURING THE CAMPAIGN, JOE BIDEN TALKED A LOT ABOUT
REACHING ACROSS THE AISLE.
AND AS WE'RE TAPING THIS, HE IS DISCUSSING A COMPROMISE PROPOSAL
WITH TEN REPUBLICAN SENATORS HE INVITED TO THE WHITE HOUSE, LED
BY MAINE SENATOR SUSAN COLLINS, SEEN HERE HAVING THE TIME OF HER
LIFE.
THE G.O.P.'S COMPROMISE OFFER TO THE BIDEN PLAN IS THE SAME WAY A
PACK OF WOLVES COMPROMISES WITH AN ABSENTMINDED
CARIBOU.
YOU SEE, BIDEN'S COVID RESCUE PLAN, WHICH COVERS BIGGER
STIMULUS CHECKS, MORE AID FOR THE UNEMPLOYED, THE HUNGRY AND
THOSE FACING EVICTION, ADDITIONAL SUPPORT FOR SMALL
BUSINESSES, STATES AND LOCAL GOVERNMENTS, INCREASED FUNDING
FOR VACCINATIONS AND TESTING, AT A PRICE TAG OF $1.9 TRILLION,
WHILE THE REPUBLICANS ONLY WANT TO COVER SOME OF THAT FOR $600
BILLION.
THAT'S NOT MEETIN' YA HALFWAY.
THAT'S NOT EVEN MEETIN' YA THIRDWAY.
AMERICA IS DROWNING 100 FEET BELOW THE SURFACE, AND
REPUBLICANS ARE SAYING, "OKAY.
HERE'S OUR COMPROMISE.
INSTEAD, WE DROWN 60 FEET BELOW THE SURFACE.
AT LEAST THEY CAN SEE US WAVING!"
IT'S A NICE GESTURE FOR JOE TO MEET WITH THEM, BUT JOE'S
CLEARLY NOT PLAYING AROUND.
LOOK WHAT HE JUST DID TO WEST VIRGINIA DEMOCRATIC SENATOR AND
FNNIEST GUY AT THE CAR DEALERSHIP, JOE MANCHIN.
MANCHIN HAS BEEN DRAGGING HIS FEET ON BIDEN'S COVID RELIEF
DEAL.
SO, WITHOUT TELLING MANCHIN, BIDEN SENT KAMALA HARRIS TO
APPEAR ON LOCAL WEST VIRGINIA NEWS TO SAY "YOU'RE HARD
WORKING, YOU DESERVE THIS RELIEF PACKAGE, JOE MANCHIN DOESN'T
WANT TO GIVE IT TO YOU."
MANCHIN WASN'T HAPPY ABOUT THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH NUT-PUNCH.
>> I SAW IT.
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
NO ONE CALLED ME.
WE'RE GONNA TRY TO FIND A BIPARTISAN PATH FOR IT, I THINK
WE NEED TO, BUT WE NEED TO WORK TOGETHER.
THAT'S NOT A WAY OF WORKING TOGETHER, WHAT WAS DONE.
>> STEPHEN: YES, HE WANTS EVERYONE TO WORK TOGETHER TO
MAKE SURE AMERICANS GET LESS COVID RELIEF.
HE'S STANDING OUTSIDE CONGRESS WITH THAT SIGN: "WILL WORK FOR
GETTING YOU LESS FOOD."
ONE OF THE CHALLENGES FOR JAMMING SOME UNUM UP OUR E
PLURIBUS IS NEXT WEEK'S IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.
I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF
"DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH 2: GO FAST, WE'RE FURIOUS."
>> YOO HOOOO!
YOO HOOOO!
(ROARING) >> STEPHEN: THE SENATE TRIAL
BEGINS A WEEK FROM TOMORROW, AND THE FORMER PRESIDENT IS A
LITTLE BEHIND ON PREPARATION.
BECAUSE ON SATURDAY WE LEARNED ALL FIVE ATTORNEYS WORKING ON
HIS DEFENSE LEFT THE TEAM.
ALL FIVE LAWYERS.
LAWYERS.
THERE WAS SOMETHING LAWYERS WOULDN'T DO FOR MONEY.
THAT IS RATS FLEEING A SINKING RAT.
A SOURCE CLOSE TO THE E-PRESIDENT DESCRIBED IT AS A
"MUTUAL DECISION."
YEAH, TOTALLY MUTUAL!
"NO, CAROL DIDN'T DIVORCE ME.
WE DIVORCED ME!
WE ALSO AGREED THAT THE LAWN WAS THE BEST PLACE FOR ALL MY
SHIRTS."
IT LOOKS LIKE THE BREAK-UP HAPPENED AFTER THE EX-PRES. TOLD
THE LAWYERS NOT TO ARGUE THAT IT WAS UNCONSTITUTIONAL TO IMPEACH
HIM FOR INSURRECTION AFTER HE LEFT OFFICE, BUT INSTEAD
ARGUE THAT "THE ELECTION WAS STOLEN FROM HIM."
AH, THE BRILLIANT LEGAL STRATEGY OF POINTING OUT TO THE JURY HOW
MOTIVATED YOU WERE TO COMMIT THE CRIME.
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY, I INTEND TO PROVE THAT MY
CLIENT CAN'T BE GUILTY OF MURDER BY ESTABLISHING JUST HOW
STABBABLE HER HUSBAND WAS.
LOOK AT THAT JUICY TORSO!" I'M SORRY.
WHAT?
OH, HE'S DEAD.
I FORGOT.
SO, ON SUNDAY THE FORMER PRESIDENT CRUISED SOME DARK
ALLEYS OF THE LEGAL WORLD AND SCRAPED UP TWO NEW LAWYERS:
CRIMINAL LITIGATOR AND MAN ADDICTED TO S.P.F. 1,000, DAVID
SCHOEN, AND FORMER DISTRICT ATTORNEY AND SCHOOL PRINCIPAL
WAITING FOR KIDS TO STOP BOOING BRUCE CASTOR.
THESE GUYS HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.
WHEN HE WAS A PENNSYLVANIA D.A.
IN 2005, CASTOR DECLINED TO PROSECUTE BILL COSBY AS PART OF
A "SECRET AGREEMENT."
ALTHOUGH IT IS POSSIBLE CASTOR DIDN'T KNOW, AND COSBY JUST
DROPPED THE AGREEMENT INTO HIS DRINK.
MEANWHILE, DAYS BEFORE JEFFREY EPSTEIN DIED, SCHOEN ACTUALLY
MET WITH THE ACCUSED CHILD SEX TRAFFICKER ABOUT "JOINING HIS
DEFENSE."
MY GOD, WHO WOULD HIRE JEFFREY EPSTEIN'S DEFENSE LAWYER?
OH, JEFFREY EPSTEIN'S WINGMAN?
THAT MAKES SENSE.
IT'S NO SURPRISE THE OLD POTUS WANTS TO KEEP PUSHING HIS
ELECTION FRAUD FRAUD.
ACCORDING TO "THE NEW YORK TIMES," THE FORMER
ADMINISTRATION KNEW BIDEN WAS THE WINNER BY THURSDAY THE 12TH
OF NOVEMBER.
SO, FIVE DAYS LATER THAN EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD, BUT
STILL, HE KNEW IT WAS A LIE.
HE KNEW WE KNEW IT WAS LIE.
HE KNEW WE KNEW HE KNEW IT WAS A LIE.
BUT HE KEPT IT UP ANYWAY.
IT'S THE ELECTORAL EQUIVALENT OF HIS BRONZER.
WE CAN SEE YOUR EARS!
WE KNOW YOU'RE ACTUALLY THE COLOR OF DYING E.T.
THE LAST FEW WEEKS HAVE BEEN A TOUGH TIME FOR THE MAGA CROWD,
ESPECIALLY BELIEVERS OF QANON, THE DERANGED INTERNET MOB
PREACHING THAT ELITE DEMOCRATS, GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS, AND
CELEBRITIES ARE PART OF A CANNIBALISTIC, CHILD
SEX-TRAFFICKING CULT, AND THE EX-PRESIDENT WAS THE HERO
DESTINED TO STOP THEM.
OH, WELL.
Q PEOPLE, IF YOU'RE STILL LOOKING FOR A SAVIOR, CAN I
INTEREST YOU IN A MUCH NICER MESSIAH WHO ALSO HUNG OUT WITH
PROSTITUTES BUT MIGHT ACTUALLY COME BACK ONE DAY?
EVER SINCE THE DICTATOR SLUNK OFF TO MAR-A-GULAG-O, Q FOLK
HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING TO UNDERSTAND BIDEN'S INAUGURATION,
WHICH MANY BELIEVE WAS A DEEPFAKE.
YES, IT WAS ALL STAGED ON A GREEN SCREEN.
AND, IN REALITY, BERNIE WAS JUST A TENNIS BALL ON A STICK.
OVER THE WEEKEND, ANDERSON COOPER INTERVIEWED ONE FORMER
Q-SADER WHO MADE A TROUBLING CONFESSION:
>> DID YOU AT THE TIME BELIEVE THAT DEMOCRATS, HIGH LEVEL
DEMOCRATS AND CELEBRITIES WERE WORSHIPPING SATAN, DRINKING THE
BLOOD OF CHILDREN?
>> ANDERSON, I THOUGHT YOU DID THAT.
AND I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THAT RIGHT NOW, SO I
APOLOGIZE FOR THINKING THAT YOU ATE BABIES.
BUT, YEAH, 100%.
>> BUT YOU ACTUALLY-- YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT I WAS
DRINKING THE BLOOD OF CHILDREN?
>> YES, I DID.
>> STEPHEN: NOW, WHAT ON EARTH MAKES ANYONE BELIEVE THAT
ANDERSON COOPER WAS DRINKING THE BLOOD OF CHILDREN
OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT ANDERSON COOPER HAS NEVER AGED?
BUT THAT WASN'T ALL Q FOLKS BELIEVED ABOUT THE SILVER SURFER
OF CABLE NEWS.
>> WAS IT SOMETHING ABOUT ME THAT MADE YOU THINK THAT?
>> IT'S BECAUSE "Q" SPECIFICALLY MENTIONED YOU AND HE MENTIONED
YOU VERY EARLY ON.
HE MENTIONED YOU BY NAME, AND FROM THERE HE ALSO TALKED ABOUT,
LIKE, FOR EXAMPLE, YOU KNOW, FAMILY.
I'M GOING TO BE HONEST, LIKE, PEOPLE STILL TALK ABOUT THAT TO
THIS DAY.
THERE WERE POSTS ABOUT THAT JUST FOUR DAYS AGO, SOME PEOPLE
THOUGHT YOU WERE A ROBOT.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, THAT ONE'S JUST INSANE.
ANDERSON COOPER'S NOT A ROBOT.
THAT'S CLEARLY THE BLITZ-BORG.
(AS WOLF BLITZER) "OTHERWISE.
WHY ELSE.
WOULD HE BE SO.
BAD.
AT.
MIMICKING.
HUMAN.
SPEECH?
ANDERSON."
BUT NOT EVERY INTERNET CRAZY IS GOING THROUGH AGONIZING
REAPPRAISAL.
CASE IN POINT, ON SATURDAY, ANTI-VAX PROTESTERS TEMPORARILY
SHUT DOWN THE COVID-19 VACCINATION SITE AT L.A.'S
DODGER STADIUM, DELAYING APPOINTMENTS BY NEARLY AN
HOUR.
NICE TRY, ANTI-VAXERS, BUT THESE ARE ANGELENOS.
THEY'RE NOT GOING TO QUIT BECAUSE YOU MADE 'EM WAIT 60
MINUTES!
IT TAKES TWO HOURS JUST TO CHANGE LANES ON THE 405.
THE PROTEST ORGANIZERS WANTED PEOPLE TO BE OPEN TO THEIR
MESSAGE, SO THEY URGED ATTENDEES TO "REFRAIN FROM
WEARING MAGA ATTIRE AS WE WANT OUR STATEMENT TO RESONATE WITH
THE SHEEPLE."
"YEAH, THE ONES GETTING THE VACCINE ARE SHEEPLE.
NOW EVERYONE HIDE THE MATCHING HATS WE BOUGHT FROM OUR BANKRUPT
CASINO GOD-KING."
BUT DESPITE THE CALLS TO "RESONATE WITH THE SHEEPLE," THE
ACTUAL TONE OF THE PROTEST WAS A BIT MORE AGGRESSIVE, WITH
ANTI-VAXXERS BLOCKING THE STADIUM ENTRANCE AND HOLDING
SIGNS, LIKE "TELL BILL GATES TO GO VACCINATE HIMSELF" AND "SWAB
MY BUTT HOLE, I DARE YOU."
OKAY, THAT'S NOT A PROTEST.
THAT'S A CRY FOR HELP.
OR NBC IS RE-LAUNCHING "FEAR FACTOR."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS ETHAN HAWK.
ETHAN HAWKE!
THAT'S A GREAT GUEST!
YEAH, HE IS.
MASK!
OH, SORRY.
WHEN WE RETURN, STAYING SAFE FOR YOUR SUPER BOWL PARTY!
STICK AROUND.
♪♪♪