>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
BACK AT YOU!
HEY, MARK, HOW IS IT GOING?
HEY, CHRIS.
HEY EVERYBODY OUT THERE.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS, YOU CAN REALLY FEEL THAT WE'RE GETTING PRETTY CLOSE TO
THE END OF THE COVID CRISIS.
IT'S NOT OVER YET.
BUT SOON, THE CORONAVIRUS WILL BE IN THE REARVIEW MIRROR, AND
WE'LL BE IN THE FRONT SEAT, FLOORING IT, WHILE TONGUING DOWN
WITH SOME STRANGER WE MET IN A PARKING GARAGE.
THAT'S WHAT WE USED TO DO, RIGHT?
THAT WAS IT.
I HAVE TO CHECK MY OLD E-VIETS.
A THIRD OF AMERICANS ARE INOCULATED, AND FOLKS ARE READY
TO BE PROFESSIONALLY GROOMED FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OVER A YEAR.
CUSTOMERS ARE EXCITEDLY RETURNING FOR CUTS, MANICURES,
WAXES, AND FACIALS.
IDEALLY, ALL AT ONCE, BY A PIT CREW THAT GASES YOUR FOREHEAD
AND ROTATES YOUR PUBES.
THIS IS A CHALLENGE FOR GROOMING PROFESSIONALS, OF COURSE.
ALL THESE GNARLED, OVERGROWN HEDGE-PEOPLE LEAVE BARBERS
STRUGGLING TO INDENTIFY LOYAL CLIENTS.
IT MAKES SENSE.
A FEW MONTHS INTO QUARANTINE, I BARELY RECOGNIZE MYSELF.
JIMMY, CAN YOU THROW UP A PICTURE OF ME FROM LAST MAY?
THERE YOU GO.
SO NICE OF JOHN LITHGOW TO TAKE ME IN.
STYLISTS ARE SHOCKED-- SHOCKED, I SAY-- BY THE AFTERMATH OF HOME
HAIRCUTS.
SAID ONE BARBER, "A LOT OF PEOPLE COULDN'T GET TO THE BACKS
AND JUST DID THE SIDES."
IF THEY TRIED TO DO THE BACK, IT KIND OF LOOKS LIKE THE MAP OF
MAINE."
A HAIRSTYLE THEY CALL IN MAINE, "BUSINESS IN THE FRONT, LOBSTER
IN THE BACK.
AYUH."
WAXERS ARE ALSO DEALING WITH THE FALLOUT FROM THOSE WHO
EXPERIMENTED WITH HOME WAXING KITS.
APPARENTLY, "THE INJURIES HAVE BEEN PRETTY BAD."
I KNOW IT'S SURPRISING, BUT EVIDENTIALLY, SMEARING HOT WAX
ON YOUR OWN JUNK CAN GO WRONG, ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE USING THE
WRONG STYLED CANDELABRA.
NOW, WHILE THINGS ARE GETTING BETTER, THERE'S A NEW FLAVOR OF
COVID GOING AROUND, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE C.D.C., THE
U.K. VARIANT IS NOW THE DOMINANT CORONAVIRUS STRAIN IN THE U.S.
MAKING IT THE MOST SICKENING BRITISH IMPORT SINCE PIERS
MORGAN.
( LAUGHTER )
VARIANT" IN THE U.K.
THEY CALL IT "THE KENT VARIANT," BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS U.K.
THERE.
THERE YOU GO.
NOT INTERESTING, BUT ACCURATE.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU MAY NOT ALWAYS BE INTERESTED, BUT WE FACT CHECKED
IT!
SPEAKING OF AWFUL THINGS ABOUT TO GO AWAY: FLORIDA
REPRESENTATIVE AND MAN SOON TO BE ARRESTED BY THE REAL POLICE
AND THE FASHION POLICE, MATT GAETZ.
GAETZ IS CURRENTLY UNDER INVESTIGATION FOR VIOLATING
FEDERAL SEX TRAFFICKING LAWS FOR ALLEDGEDLY HAVING A SEXUAL
RELATIONSHIP WITH A 17-YEAR-OLD.
AND I'LL UPDATE YOU ON JUST HOW STICKY HIS ICKY IN OUR RECURRING
SEGMENT: "GAETZ-GAETE!"
>> DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS?
>> Stephen: I DON'T, ACTUALLY.
GAETZ HAS DENIED ANY WRONGDOING, BUT SOURCES SAY THAT JUST BEFORE
THE PREVIOUS PRESIDENT LEFT OFFICE, GAETZ ASKED FOR A
BLANKET PARDON.
OH, I DON'T THINK THE BLANKET WANTS A PARDON,
I THINK IT WANTS TO BE BURNED.
IT'S SEEN TOO MUCH.
GAETZ WANTED A PREEMPTIVE PARDON FOR ANY ILLEGAL ACTIVITY HE'S
EVER DONE, LIKE INNOCENT PEOPLE DO.
AND HE HAD REASON TO BELIEVE HE MIGHT GET THAT PARDON BECAUSE
OF HIS CLOSE RELATIONSHIP TO THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
IN HIS BOOK-- AND, YES, EVIDENTLY, HE CAN READ--
GAETZ BRAGGED, "THE PRESIDENT HAS CALLED ME WHEN I WAS IN MY
CAR, ASLEEP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT ON MY LONGWORTH OFFICE
COT, ON THE THRONE, ON AIRPLANES, IN NIGHTCLUBS."
THE PRESIDENT HAS CALLED ME EVERYWHERE: WHILE I WAS LURKING
IN THE BUSHES OF A HIGH SCHOOL, WHILE I WAS MAKING FAKE
I.D.s, EVEN WHILE I WAS TUTORING MY GIRLFRIEND FOR THE S.A.T.s."
GAETZ SAYS THE PRESIDENT CALLED HIM "EVEN IN THE THROES OF
PASSION-- YES, I ANSWERED."
THINKING ABOUT MATT GAETZ HAVING SEX, I'M IN THE THROES OF UP
( LAUGHTER )
BUT-- ( GAGGING )
BUT GAETZ DIDN'T GET HIS PARDON, BECAUSE WHITE HOUSE LAWYERS
VIEWED THE REQUEST AS A NONSTARTER THAT WOULD SET A BAD
PRECEDENT.
DO YOU KNOW HOW SHADY YOU HAVE TO BE FOR NUMBER 45'S LAWYERS TO
GO, "NO, THAT'S A BAD LOOK.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I JUST FARTED ON CAMERA, MY HEAD IS
LEAKING, AND I'M LATE FOR MY PRESS CONFERENCE OUTSIDE THE
CREMATORIUM DILDO SHOP."
GAETZ CLAIMS ASKING FOR A PARDON ISN'T AN ADMISSION OF GUILT,
BECAUSE HE WANTED THE FORMER PRESIDENT TO PARDON
EVERYONE, FROM HIMSELF, TO HIS ADMINISTRATION, TO JOE EXOTIC.
GOOD COVER, MATT.
GAETZ IS THAT GUY AT THE WALGREENS' REGISTER SAYING,
"YEAH, I JUST GOT THIS RED BULL, THE TOILET PAPER-- OH, HOW DID
THAT HERPES CREAM GET IN HERE?
I DON'T NEED IT.
NO I STILL WANT IT.
I BUMPED MY LIP ON A BISCUIT."
BUT GAETZ HAS THINGS ON HIS PLATE, OTHER THAN AVOIDING
EATING OFF A PRISON TRAY, BECAUSE AMID THE FEDERAL PROBE,
HE WILL SPEAK TO A CONSERVATIVE WOMEN'S GROUP AT THE FORMER
PRESIDENT'S GOLF COURSE.
YOU COULD SAY THAT'S PUTTING THE FOX IN THE HEN HOUSE, BUT GAETZ
WOULD RATHER HANG OUT WITH THE EGGS.
THE GROUP GAETZ IS SPEAKING TO IS WOMEN FOR AMERICA FIRST--
OR AS CARDI B CALLS THEM, "WAF."
THEY'RE THE GROUP OF DIE-HARD MAGA LOYALISTS WHO ACTUALLY
ORGANIZED THAT RALLY ON JAN. 6, BEFORE THE DEADLY INSURRECTION
AT THE U.S. CAPITOL.
AND HIS SPEECH IS PART OF A GALA DINNER WHICH HAS A THEME OF
AMERICANA, FEATURING "B.B.Q., BOOTS & BLUEGRASS."
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH GAETZ'S USUAL THEME OF "MOLLY, MINORS,
AND MANDATORY MINIMUMS."
THE GROUP HAS RECEIVED A LOT OF CRITICISM FOR BOOKING GAETZ, BUT
THEY DEFENDED THE DECISION, AND CALLED GAETZ A "FEARLESS LEADER
IN D.C."
YES, GAETZ FEARS NOTHING, EXCEPT THE PARENTS OF WHOEVER HE'S
TEXTING.
IF GAETZ IS LOOKING FOR TIPS ON HOW TO FLEE THE SCENE, HE CAN
SHOULD LOOK NO FURTHER THAN HEAD OF THE N.R.A., AND
MAN DESCRIBING WHAT HE'LL DO FOR $5 AT THE BUS STOP WITH HIS
COLD, DEAD HANDS, WAYNE LAPIERRE.
IN A DEPOSITION FOR THE N.R.A.'S BANKRUPTCY TRIAL, LAPIERRE
REVEALED THAT, FOLLOWING BOTH THE SANDY HOOK AND PARKLAND
SCHOOL SHOOTINGS, HE HID ON A YACHT.
OKAY, YOU OUT-OF-TOUCH LIBERAL ELITE, IF YOU WANT TO COME FOR
WAYNE'S GUNS, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO HOP A JITNEY TO THE
HAMPTONS AND MAKE IT DOWN TO THE BOAT BASIN BY 4:00, BECAUSE WE
HAVE TO LAUNCH IN TIME FOR SUNSET COCKTAILS!
BUFFY IS MAKING SPRITZERS!
IN LIGHT OF THE REVELATION, THE N.R.A. HAS MADE A SLIGHT CHANGE
TO ITS LOGO: >> SEE YA, SUCKAS!
( HORN BLOWS ) >> Stephen: THE YACHT IN
QUESTION IS "ILLUSIONS," NAMED AFTER WHAT YOU'RE LIVING UNDER
IF YOU THINK LAPIERRE CARES WHETHER YOU LIVE OR DIE.
LAPIERRE CLAIMS HE FLED TO THE YACHT AFTER THE SHOOTINGS IN
2012 AND 2018 OUT OF FEAR FOR HIS SAFETY, EXPLAINING,
"I REMEMBER GETTING THERE GOING, 'THANK GOD I'M SAFE.
NOBODY CAN GET ME HERE.'" GREAT PLAN.
WHICH IS WHY, INSTEAD OF SUPPORTING ANY SENSIBLE GUN
CONTROL, THE N.R.A. HAS FOUNDED THIS NEW CHARITY:
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 1-877-YACHTS FOR KIDS
Y-A-C-HT-S, YACHTS FOR KIDS ♪ 1-877-YACHTS FOR KIDS
AND HIDE FROM WHAT YOU'VE WROUGHT ♪
>> Stephen: THE N.R.A.'S LAWYER PROMISES MORE EMBARRASSING
DETAILS WILL INEVITABLY COME OUT DURING THE BANKRUPTCY
HEARING, SAYING, "ARE THERE GOING TO BE FACTS THAT ARE
MODERATELY CRINGE-WORTHY?
THE ANSWER IS YES.
WE'RE NOT GOING TO RUN FROM THEM."
YES, THE N.R.A. DOESN'T RUN.
BECAUSE THE YACHT CLUB HAS A CONCIERGE WHO PICKS YOU UP IN A
GOLF CART AND TAKES YOU TO YOUR BOAT.
ANYWAY, (BLEEP) YOU, WAYNE.
(BLEEP) YOU ON THE BOAT YOU FLOATED IN ON.
OH, THERE'S EXCITING NEWS FOR ALL YOU FANS OF COFFEE AND
BREAKTHROUGH TECHNOLOGY, BECAUSE STARBUCKS IS LAUNCHING
AN EXPERIMENTAL "BORROW A CUP" PROGRAM, IN WHICH CUSTOMERS WILL
ORDER THEIR DRINKS IN A REUSABLE CUP AND PAY A $1
REFUNDABLE DEPOSIT.
WHEN THE CUSTOMER IS DONE WITH THEIR DRINK, THEY WILL RETURN
THE CUP AND RECEIVE A $1 CREDIT.
EACH CUP IS THEN CLEANED AND SANITIZED AND PUT BACK INTO THE
ROTATION FOR ANOTHER CUSTOMER TO USE.
OKAY, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT: THERE'S A VESSEL OF SOME KIND,
INTO WHICH YOU POUR LICKED, AND AFTER YOU
CONSUME SAID LIQUID, YOU'RE GOING TO "WASH" IT?
SORRY, THAT'S NOT HOW I ROLL, GRANDPA.
( LAUGHTER )
EVERYBODY OKAY?
EVERYBODY'S EYES OKAY?
>> YEAH!
>> Stephen: NO REHEARSAL FOR THAT ONE.
IF YOU WANT TO TAKE THE CUP TO GO, NO PROBLEM, BECAUSE
STARBUCKS WILL SEND SOMEONE TO PICK UP THE REUSABLE CUPS FROM
YOUR HOME.
OKAY, THAT IS NOT ONLY ENVIRONMENTALLY WONDERFUL, BUT
SUPER CONVENIENT.
I CAN'T WAIT TO GET A KNOCK ON YOUR DOOR AT 2:00 IN THE
MORNING.
"HELLO?
I'M PICKING UP A CUP FROM STERPEN?"
SERIOUSLY, IF EVERYBODY OKAY?
THEY DID NOT KNOW I WAS GOING TO DO THAT.
AND I DID NOT KNOW IT WOULD SHATTER QUITE SO SATISFYINGLY,
BUT, BOY, DID IT!
IN CIVIL WAR NEWS, THIS WEEK, A CHAIR HONORING JEFFERSON DAVIS
WAS STOLEN FROM AN ALABAMA CEMETERY AND HELD FOR RANSOM.
SOMEONE STOLE JEFFERSON DAVIS' CHAIR?
MY GOD!
PLEASE TELL ME THEY'VE GOT SECURITY AROUND ROBERT E. LEE'S
HAMMOCK!
THE JEFFERSON DAVIS MEMORIAL CHAIR WAS SUPPOSED TO BE GUARDED
BY THE UNITED DAUGHTERS OF THE CONFEDERACY, OR U.D.C.
OF COURSE, YOU MIGHT KNOW THEM BY THEIR MORE COMMON NAME: THE
AUNT YOU'VE BLOCKED ON FACEBOOK.
THE MONUMENT WAS STOLEN BY A GROUP CALLED "WHITE LIES
MATTER," WHO SENT A RANSOM NOTE TO THE U.D.C. THREATENING THAT
FAILURE TO MEET THEIR DEMANDS WOULD RESULT IN "THE MONUMENT,
AN ORNATE STONE CHAIR, IMMEDIATELY BEING TURNED INTO A
TOILET."
MAKES SENSE, BECAUSE IN THE CIVIL WAR, THE CONFEDERACY
FINISHED NUMBER TWO.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> THE HOST SHALL SLAM AGAIN!
>> Stephen: SO WHAT ARE THEIR DEMANDS?
THE GROUP WANTS THE U.D.C. TO DISPLAY A BANNER FEATURING A
QUOTE BY ACTIVIST ASSATA SHAKUR IN FRONT OF THE ORGANIZATION'S
HEADQUARTERS, READING, "THE RULERS OF THIS COUNTRY HAVE
ALWAYS CONSIDERED THEIR PROPERTY MORE IMPORTANT THAN OUR LIVES."
THAT IS A VERY CLASSY DEMAND FOR A VERY CHILDISH THREAT.
IT'S LIKE SAYING, "WRITE ME A RESEARCH PAPER ON THE USE OF
LIMINALITY IN POST-REFORMATION LITERATURE, OR I WILL CRAP IN
YOUR HAT."
THE GROUP EVEN SENT A PHOTOSHOPPED IMAGE OF THEIR
PLANS FOR THE JEFFERSON DAVIS MEMORIAL TOILET.
OKAY, THAT'S JUST LAZY.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO DEFACE A CONFEDERATE MONUMENT BY TURNING
IT INTO A TOILET, AT LEAST DO IT RIGHT!
OKAY, YOU WANT A SOFT-CLOSE LID, ONE OF THOSE WANDS THAT HAS TEN
DIFFERENT SPRAY MODES, BUT ALL THE COMMANDS ARE IN JAPANESE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT "SUPUREJETTO" MEANS, BUT I DO
KNOW IT MADE ME FEEL LIKE I WAS IN A COMMON-LAW MARRIAGE WITH
PLUMBING.
( LAUGHTER )
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE LESLIE ODOM JR. AND PHYSICIST MICHIO KAKU.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I'VE GOT SOME SCIENCE NEWS THAT IS A
LITTLE LIGHT ON THE SCIENCE.
AND THE NEWS.
STICK AROUND.
BATTER UP!
♪ ♪ ♪