>> Stephen: LOUIS CATO AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND RIGHT OVER
THERE. [HUMMING]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE ARE VERY EXCITED FOR THIS EVENING.
WE HAVE TWO EXTRA ORDINARY GUESTS FOR YOU TONIGHT.
COMING UP JUST IN A MOMENT, WE HAVE ARTIST, ACTOR, HIP-HOP
LUMINARY, COMMON WILL BE OUT HERE JUST A LITTLE WHILE.
VERY ATTRACTIVE MAN. SOMETHING FOR THE LADIES.
SOMETHING FOR THE LADIES OUT THERE.
AFTER THAT, ONE OF MY FAVORITE COMEDIANS FOR THE LAST 40 YEARS,
STEVEN WRIGHT WILL BE OUT HERE IN JUST A LITTLE WHILE.
EXTRAORDINARY. JUST EXTRAORDINARY.
BUT FIRST, FOLKS. YOU KNOW IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW
AND I HOPE YOU DO, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME
RIGHT OVER THERE, SURVEYING THE DAY'S NEWS FOREST FOR THE MOST
TOPICAL BUXUS SEMPERVIRENS STORY TREE, SHAPING A CYLINDER,
THEN ADDING METAL-CAPPED TENONS AND NATURAL CORK PADS TO PRESENT
TO YOU THE BUFFET-CRAMPON LEGENDE BOXWOOD CLARINET THAT IS
MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES,
SOMETIMES WHILE FLEEING THE COBRA FIGHTING RING OF THE UZBEK
MAFIA, I FALL ASLEEP IN A DITCH CUDDLING A LEAD PIPE FOR
PROTECTION WHICH I BORE HOLES IN USING A DEAD POSSUM'S SHIN BONE
THEN FASHION A MOUTHPIECE OUT OF A DISCARDED POPSICLE STICK
AND BUBBLE GUM WRAPPER TO BLEAT A SHRIEKING JINGLE THROUGH
THE BOZO TUBE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT...
>> "MEANWHILE"! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Stephen: IT'S LIKE A SNORKEL.
IN A SEA OF FILTH. MEANWHILE, PEEPS ARE INTRODUCING
NEW FLAVORS FOR EASTER 2024, SUCH AS RICE KRISPIES AND SOUR
STRAWBERRY. THOUGH I PREFER THEIR ORIGINAL
FLAVOR, "NEON SHOE FOAM LEFT IN HOT CAR."
MEANWHILE, SAD NEWS FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY READING WHILE THEY
DRIVE, BECAUSE THE FEDS ARE BANNING HUMOROUS ELECTRONIC
MESSAGES ON HIGHWAYS, WITH OFFICIALS CLAIMING THAT SIGNS
WITH REFERENCES TO POP CULTURE OR THOSE INTENDED TO BE FUNNY
CAN BE DISTRACTING TO DRIVERS. OR AS ONE SIGN PUT IT,
"IT'S ME, SIGN. I'M THE PROBLEM.
IT'S ME. ALSO, MERGE RIGHT."
SO, THIS IS TRUE, BY 2026, THE REGULATIONS
DICTATE THAT SIGNS SHOULD BE SIMPLE, DIRECT, AND BRIEF,
WHICH IS WHY FOR THOSE ENTERING NEW YORK CITY, SIGNS WILL SIMPLY
READ, "[BLEEP] YOU, NEW JERSEY." [CHEERING]
LOVE THE GARDEN STATE. MEANWHILE, STICKY FOAM EXCRETED
FROM A BUG'S ANUS MAY INSPIRE NEW SKIN CARE PRODUCTS.
COINCIDENTALLY, STICKY FOAM EXCRETED FROM A BUG'S ANUS,
ALSO THE RECIPE FOR PEEPS. MMM.
GOTTA HOLD ON TO THAT ONE. APPARENTLY, WHEN ATTACKED,
THE EUROPEAN ALDER SPITTLEBUG FARTS OUT A FOAMY SUBSTANCE
THAT FORMS A PROTECTIVE JACKET AND COULD BE BENEFICIAL FOR THE
SKIN BECAUSE OF ITS ANTIMICROBIAL EFFECTS,
PROTECTION AGAINST DESICCATION, AND LIGHT ABSORPTION.
AMAZING. AND EXPLAINS MAYBELLINE'S NEW
SLOGAN, "MAYBE SHE'S BORN WITH IT.
MAYBE A BUG FARTED ON HER FACE." PRETTY, AWFULLY PRETTY.
AWFULLY PRETTY FOR SOMEONE WAS A BUG FART ON THEIR FACE.
MEANWHILE, THERE WAS CHAOS ON AN AIRASIA FLIGHT IN THAILAND AFTER
A LIVE SNAKE WAS DISCOVERED BY PASSENGERS IN AN OVERHEAD BIN.
EVEN WORSE, IT WAS ONE OF THOSE PLANES WHERE ALL THE DOORS
STAY ON. STILL, SNAKES ON A PLANE IS
PRETTY SCARY. IN THE WORDS OF
SAMUEL L. JACKSON... >> WHAT'S IN YOUR WALLET?
[LAUGHTER] >> Stephen: GOTCHA!
GOTCHA! SWITCHEROO!
THANKFULLY, THIS TYPE OF THING IS AN EXTREMELY RARE ONE-OFF
AND I'M BEING TOLD THIS WAS THE SECOND REPORTED INCIDENT
OF A SNAKE FOUND ONBOARD AN AIRASIA PLANE, AND ACCORDING
TO ONE EXECUTIVE, "AIRASIA CREW WERE WELL TRAINED TO HANDLE
AN OCCURRENCE OF THIS NATURE." REALLY?
THEY WERE? MUST BE STRESSFUL TO BE A NEW
FLIGHT ATTENDANT FOR AIRASIA. "HEY, EXCUSE ME, HOW COME WE'RE
BEING SO WELL-TRAINED TO FIND LIVE SNAKES IN THE OVERHEAD
BINS?" "SAVE YOUR QUESTIONS FOR THE
PYTHON LUNGING OUT OF YOUR DRINK CART, BRENDA!"
IT'S BRENDA, BY THE WAY. THAT WOMAN'S NAME IS BRENDA.
YOU CAN SEE, BUT THERE IS A NAME TAG IT SAYS BRENDA.
IT SAYS BRENDA. MEANWHILE, NEWS FROM ENGLAND
WHERE MYSTERY MEAT DUMPED IN THE TOWN OF STOCKPORT
IS BAFFLING RESIDENTS. COINCIDENTALLY, "MYSTERY MEAT
DUMPED IN THE TOWN OF STOCKPORT" ALSO PEEPS' NEWEST FLAVOR.
[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]
MEANWHILE, SAD NEWS FOR THE MIDWEST CONVENIENCE STORE CHAIN
KUM & GO. [LAUGHTER]
THE COMPANY WAS RECENTLY ACQUIRED AND THE NEW OWNERS
WILL DROP THE NAME KUM & GO SOMETIME NEXT YEAR.
OH, SO THAT'S IT, KUM & GO? YOU'VE HAD YOUR FUN
AND NOW YOU'RE JUST GONNA LEAVE? I'VE NEVER FELT SO USED.
SHOCKINGLY, NO ONE AT THE COMPANYWOULD GO ON
THE RECORD FOR THIS STORY, BUT ACCORDING TO SOMEONE FAMILIAR
WITH THE DECISION, "THERE WAS SOME CONCERN ABOUT
THE INADVERTENT DOUBLE ENTENDRE OF THE KUM & GO NAME."
WHICH IS WHY THEY'RE GOING WITH THE SINGLE ENTENDRE,
"RUB ONE OUT 'N BOUNCE". [CHEERING]
"MUSICAL FLOURISH
" BUT I DON'T THINK THEY SHOULD
HAVE TO CHANGE. KUM & GO, IF YOU WANT TO KEEP
YOUR NAME BUT MAKE IT FEEL LESS DIRTY, I HAVE A SUGGESTION.
HOW ABOUT, "KUM & THEN MAYBE STAY THE NIGHT.
AND THE NEXT MORNING, YOU GET BREAKFAST AND YOU FIND THE
CONVERSATION COMES EASILY, NOT LIKE WITH ALL THE OTHERS,
AND YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH YOU HAVE IN COMMON.
YOU BOTH PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON YOUR PANCAKES AND THINK
GEORGE WAS THE BEST BEATLE. BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,
IT'S CHRISTMAS 2062. YOU'RE SURROUNDED BY CHILDREN
AND GRANDCHILDREN, THINKING, "MAN, I'M SO LUCKY TO HAVE ALL
THIS LOVE IN MY LIFE. I'M GLAD ALL THOSE YEARS AGO
I DIDN'T JUST... KUM & GO."
ALTHOUGH... ALTHOUGH...
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ADMITTEDLY,
THAT IS A LOT TO FIT ON A SIGN. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMMON!