- How do you feel about doing this?
Do you have any reservations, qualms?
- All of that, all of that.
I'm super in control of the situation usually,
and I'm very used to that, and so
getting into a situation where I have
no control whatsoever, that is very different from
what I usually do or what I usually show of myself.
- Are you normally so expressive?
- No, I come from a smaller town
in the west of Germany.
There were no black people at all,
so I would always naturally stick out,
because I was never the kind of girl
that I felt guys would be attracted to,
because I wasn't blonde and had straight hair and was
super skinny and the super classy European type.
Here I always felt like maybe I'm a bit too thick,
my ass is a bit too much, or I can't really wear
a super tight dress, because then everybody's
looking at my body, and I'm not even that super curvy.
And then I went to the US and was in New York for a while,
and all of a sudden I was super attractive
to a lot of people there, and also exposed to a community
where every second person is black,
and I didn't feel oversexualized all the time.
I came back with a different confidence.
I feel for black people in Germany,
I don't know, it's now just from my experience,
depending on where you grew up,
it takes you a while to find yourself.
You don't really have the luck to be
in a group of a lot of colored people,
and then when you start to try to figure out
who you are or find something you can identify with,
you kind of go to TV, or pop culture,
or rappers, or singers, or actors.
We also don't really have a lot of black people
on TV or in commercials, so you're pretty on your own
with figuring out who you are
and where you want to stand,
what kind of person, woman, man you want to be.
Mostly when people talk about being black
or everything you see in culture being black is actually
being a black American and not being black,
so that is very different because black Americans
have very specific history.
We have a shared world of experiences here and there,
but still, that is not really my history or my story.
- Can you talk about assumptions that people make about you
based on your appearance?
- I used to be way more openly sexual.
Like, my first album, I was super,
I was expressing sexuality a lot.
I felt misunderstood in that way as a woman a lot,
because people have that belief that,
when you're sexual, or when you're
open about your sexuality, then you're stupid.
Especially in music or in entertainment,
the less you wear, the less likely is it
that you're taken serious.
And I was very serious about my art,
and about what I was saying,
and about being a poet, and being a musician,
so it was really odd for me
to then be reduced to sexual stuff,
just because that was in the eyes of people
so much louder.
Like, the whole Kim Kardashian stories,
that would never be possible in Germany.
They're just very judgemental here,
because I think we, as a people, or as Germans,
it's just, everybody is very humble
and expects other people to be humble,
so if you have a huge sports car
driving through the streets,
maybe in America people would be,
"Oh my god, good for you, nice car."
Here it would kind of like, "Oh my god,
"look at this guy with this car,
"he's showing off."
So, it's just the perception of, like, being humble is
kind of the way to go.
My mom is very strong, and at the same time,
very vulnerable but never really shows it.
I can't really remember my mom
or anyone in my family really crying
or being super sad.
I think my biggest struggle is that
it's really hard for me to show weakness.
I got out of a relationship
that broke my heart for the first time.
I was just on every level very shocked.
We just moved in together and was just standing there
kind of like, "Jesus, what the fuck is this?"
But it was also the best experience that I ever had,
because it really changed me
and it just opened me up to just being honest,
and open, and vulnerable.
I think I was just, I was so desperate to connect.
All of a sudden, the whole world is
promoting the idea of you can do it,
and just do your thing, and you can do it on your own,
and I was kind of like, no, that is wrong, that is so wrong,
and I was just really missing that connection
in the world and in people,
and I just couldn't hear the fucking "do you" bullshit.
- Even if you're not in touch with it,
do you think that there's something
that you're protecting, that you're afraid to be?
- I don't know, maybe.
I think it's a, it might be a control thing.
I didn't really see it as offending
when someone would tell me,
"You're really pretty for a black girl."
That wasn't really offending to me at that time.
Now I'm kind of like, Jesus, the shit that you heard sometimes
from people is ridiculous.
I have this thing in my head that my mom told me,
and I've heard it from a lot of other people of color.
My mom was always like, you kind of always have to be
twice as good as everything to get the same recognition.
It's like, why didn't I get the role in that play,
because I was really good, I was better than
that other girl who got it.
Or why was I not invited to that birthday?
But yeah, that sense of being perfect or being
in control from the outside,
and my mom was a lot like that.
- So, coming undone, being a mess was hard for you, scary.
- Yeah, actually, I've never taken this off.
- Why have you never taken it off?
- My boyfriend gave that to me.
I mean, first of all, I never thought
I would fall in love with somebody like him.
- Like open?
- Yeah, he's super open, like no walls, thin skin,
and I'm kind of like a, more like a thunder,
especially when we fight or anything.
I just fucking shoot around me
and then I see what's still there
and maybe shoot a little more.
We got to a point after a couple of months
where he was like, "If you're not opening up to me,
"if you're not letting me see
"or giving me something to hold onto,
"this is not going to work."
And then I really realized I might lose that person.
I took a good look at myself.
For me, it meant really just pausing for a second,
rather than taking what I think and how I see the world
and what my experiences are as a given and as right,
just hearing what that other person thinks,
and trying to see that, and see through that,
and putting myself in their shoes,
and then going back to my perspective
and making that a part of my perspective.
That was something that I rarely did before.
- Do you want to take off your socks?
- I just have to think, I just recently rearranged
my sock drawer, which made me really happy.
And then when I see them, because I haven't
seen these socks for a while.
They were somewhere really below.
- Socks are very important right now.
- Yeah.
- Socks are one of my big, socks are big right now.
- I feel that.
- Shirt?
- Shirt, here we go.
Iggy has to go.
- So when do you feel the most vulnerable?
- When I make music, I think.
Especially with other people.
It took me a long time to let other people
be part of the process,
and that is also a time where I can let go,
where I really just show myself,
and it doesn't matter.
I feel very vulnerable in these states of creativity.
- Can you take off your glasses, please?
Will you be able to still see?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's fine, it's fine.
Everyone just gets prettier.
- What does self-acceptance mean to you?
- Just liking yourself, despite all the things
that don't fit in, or maybe for the things
that don't fit in.
- How do you feel?
- Sexy.
Good, I have to pee.
- Okay, so that was beautiful.
Thank you so, so much.
I'm going to take, you can pee,
but I'm going to take pictures of you like this
and then as you're getting dressed.