[man reading]
Hi, everyone. Um, I never really give advice
because no one's ever asked me for it.
I'm just not a very inspiring person.
And I'm not really qualified to give advice either.
I have a book coming out in a couple of weeks,
and there's an entire chapter about how many times I've pooped my pants
as a full adult.
So, take all of this advice with a grain or an entire shaker of salt,
but here is my practical advice for you graduates
as you go out into the world.
Always sit facing the door
so you can see an enemy entering the room.
We all know the scene in the movie where the nerd is at the counter,
and the bully walks in, taps him on the shoulder, and the nerd's like...
Don't let that happen to you.
Sit facing the door, that way, when your enemy comes in,
you can hide under the table or jump through a glass window,
and rollerblade out of there.
Your name.
You're about to meet a lot of new people outside of high school.
If someone mispronounces your name, you have about a week to correct them,
or else, your name will be mispronounced that way forever.
Trust me, in college, I was a few days away
from being "Colon" for the rest of my life.
Your plans are about to change.
Unless you're one of those people who's like, "I wanted to become a doctor,
and then I became a doctor,"
no one cares about you. You've got your life figured out.
Congratulations, most people don't.
I went to college to study economics.
I quickly switched to Russian literature, AKA, the opposite of economics.
Then I spent about 80 hours a week writing and performing comedy
that had nothing to do with college.
It's a miracle I graduated.
But now, look at me. I'm alone, talking to my phone.
If your friends aren't good people,
why are they still your friends?
Get rid of bad friends now while you have the chance.
You can be like, "Oh, sorry, we don't have Internet at college."
Even though "college" is in my kitchen.
Seek out smart, kind, ideally, funny friends
who make your life better, and make you a better person.
That way you'll never have to say,
"Oh, sorry about my friend, Gregor.
He's normally never a jerk like this except every day."
Don't google someone you're starting to date.
Don't google them. Don't stalk them on social media.
It's creepy to learn about someone on the Internet
before you learn about them in person.
There's no mystery, there's no romance.
I mean, if I had googled someone in advance,
I never would have spent three wonderful years
with Carole Baskin.
[Colin reading]
If someone tells you, "I'm a self-made man,"
that person is probably on the verge of a psychotic breakdown.
Especially since he just yelled, "I'm a self-made man!"
out of the window of a 1995 Buick.
Notice, by the way, it's always a self-made man.
You've never heard the phrase, "I'm a self-made woman."
Because women give other people credit, and men are like,
"It was pretty much just me."
Everyone needs help in life.
No one is self-made,
but many people are self-sabotaged.
That actually only takes one.
Never, ever buy something with a credit card
that you cannot immediately pay off.
Never. No excuses.
Don't be like, "Oh, I had to get this. It was so important."
No one's ever putting vegetables on their credit card.
Treat a credit card like a debit card.
It is money immediately out of your pocket.
However, do get a credit card
as soon as possible.
Because our entire credit system in America is a gigantic scam.
You need to have credit in order to get credit.
So, get a credit card, put it on a shelf somewhere.
Don't charge anything to it
so that 20 years from now, a bank will let you buy a house.
[Colin reading]
I don't really know what that means.
I just came up with that line, and I thought it was kind of catchy.
So, get out there, and change the world because you know what they say,
"The best way to predict the future is to invent it."
I think that should be the new slogan for Apple,
or maybe toilet paper.
[Colin reading]
Success will be your greatest revenge against bullies.
Second place, filling their apartment with murder hornets.
And my final piece of advice is,
advice is really hard to follow.
You can't understand advice until you've already gone through
the thing that someone is giving you advice about.
We all hear good advice. We ignore that advice.
Then we look back and say, "That was actually a good advice.
I should have listened to that the first time." That's how advice works.
It's mainly so the person giving the advice
can someday say, "I told you so."
So, congratulations to the Class of 2020.
I have a really good feeling about you guys.
And I rarely say that to a group of three million high school seniors.
Good luck, and be great, and remember,
"The best way to predict the future is to invent it."
God, who came up with that?