How to not rape someone in six easy steps.
[WHIP CRACKING, COUGH]
Pretty regularly we’re taught how to avoid getting raped as if we have some control over
another person commiting a non-consensual act of violence toward us.
For example: don’t stay out after dark, watch your drink, travel in packs, wear clothing
that isn’t revealing, cross your legs when you sit, the list could go on ad infinitum.
I don’t know if you know this but we’re taught to cross the street if there’s something
questionable ahead like an unlit area we could be snatched up by a person with a higher center
of gravity.
We’re also taught that anyone can rape us.
Most sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone the victim knows.
Relatives, roommates, friends, partners!!!!
My point being: we cannot control whether or not we get raped!
Otherwise we wouldn’t get raped.
So it’s on all of us to learn, more effectively, how not to rape.
How to not rape step 1: know what rape is.
Rape is defined as “unwanted bodily invasion involving genitals.”
So if you put your vulva on someone’s mouth when they wanted you not to, that’s rape.
Penis in someone’s anus when they wanted you not to, that’s rape.
Finger in someone’s vagina when they wanted you not to put your finger there, rape.
Even if they didn’t say they don’t want you there -- but they don’t, that is rape.
And by law if is a person is beneath a certain age or incapable of legally consenting due
to intoxication or developmental state, that’s rape too.
Consent is not the absence of a no, it is the presence of a yes.
Step 2: Ask for permission.
Say things like may I [put my tongue on your clitoris and finger you with my thumb], Do
you want to [make out and ride my cock], I want to [spank you and pull your hair while you’re
upside down], are you into that?
If they are clear-headed and have the free-will to answer as they please then a yes, yeah,
or yassss is permission.
You have consent for the sex.
No, nope, nah, silence, changing the subject, laughing, averting their eyes, leaning away,
crossing their arms, tightening their body, saying later, I don’t know, or I’ll think
about it, making noises like mmmm, or iiiii, are not permission.
Responses like okay and sure are tricky because they are allowing something but come on, we
don’t want a sure you can put your dick inside me, we want a oh my god yes put your
dick inside me!
Aim for enthusiastic consent.
After you get to know a person and have built trust that they can reject you if they don’t
want sexual contact, you can shift to more nonverbal communication.
Step 3: Respect the response.
Show that you care and admire the person for whatever answer they give by acting in line
with their answer.
If I said ‘hey there’s this video on my phone I really want you to watch and you were
like meh or not right now, it would be outrageous for me to go, look look look look.
I wouldn’t be respecting you.
Even if the video is really short, even if you’ve seen it before, even if you end up
liking it.
The only outcome that shows my respect is not showing you the video and not being mean
about it.
So in a sexual version of this scenario where I ask to touch you, you want me not to, respect
would be...
Not touching you!
Step 4: Respect the conditions.
If the person does consent to play, they say yes, -- there are still conditions that need
to be respected as well.
Some conditions are spoken like Yes, you can go down on me, after I shower or yes, we can
try anal but I’ll need to stop if it hurts.
Other times the conditions are unspoken like Yes (but you need to put sheets on the bed
first) or Yes (but not in public).
Make sure everyone involved knows the conditions.
No infectious diseases.
Make sure nails are clipped nails.
Condoms on from the get go.
Pull out.
At least 20 minutes of cuddling afterward.
Don’t kiss and tell.
Or please kiss and tell.
Here is a really important condition: if someone changes their mind during the sex and wants
to stop, sex stops.
If you keep going, that’s not sex.
That’s rape.
Step 5: Check in.
The way you know whether or not the person does or doesn’t want sex anymore is by asking,
watching, and listening.
What are they saying and what are they doing?
It’s probably the hardest thing to decipher because we don’t teach in schools what it
looks like when someone is into sex or isn’t.
Is it a moan of ecstasy or a moan of disgust?
We do though teach and learn what it looks like when someone is or isn’t into food,
sports, animals, fashion, music, and games.
And all of those apply.
Are they smiling?
Are they wincing?
Are they really into seeing what’s going to happen next or fearful like they just wish
it would end.
Even if you’re enjoying the experience, the check in is a way not to rape.
Finally, Step 6: teach others what you’ve learned.
Teaching others what you’ve learned about how not to rape people will help you remember
and be accountable to what you know:
1. what rape is,
2. To ask for permission,
3. To respect the response,
4. To respect the conditions,
5. To check in, and
6. To share it with others.
Stay curious.