I think that it's probably important to take a pause once you've been given that diagnosis
to really, think about what are the things you're feeling.
What kind of emotions are you going through?
It's an intense situation.
And it's okay to feel a whole bunch of different emotions, anger, sadness, frustration.
And I think it's important when you're first diagnosed to just let those feelings kind
of come in and feel them.
I had a biopsy and it was a phone call and the doctor called up and said I'm sorry you
have cancer and I said I'm sorry you must have the wrong number, because there was just
so much going on wrong in my life that I couldn't possibly have cancer.
That was my initial response.
I received the news at work because I had said to the radiologist that had done the
biopsy, I really would not want to come back in the office just for you to give me the
news call me.
And so she did.
So when I got off the phone, I just stood there and just said, "wow".
I didn't call anyone, I just continued with my work day.
I went home and I didn't even say anything when I first went home because I really needed
to try and figure out how to deliver the news.
How are you going to process the information that's just been given?
Certainly I advocate talking to your family and people that are closest to you.
But I think it's probably smart to wait before you open it up to the wider audience.
And the reason for that is that everybody's got a cancer story.
Everybody knows somebody that's had cancer, a relative, a friend.
And when you go out there and tell people I have cancer, this is my diagnosis, you're
going to hear stories that maybe you're not ready to hear.
Initially I spoke to my best friend, my children and my family.
From there what I did was write everything down in an email, a massive email and send
it to everybody.
I found there was so much information dumped on me that I couldn't take individual phone
calls from people because it would make me more nervous.
So what I did was put it all in emails and send it out to everybody .
I think it's good after diagnosis to have a couple of people who you can be very open
with.
I found that it was difficult, when I would tell someone that I had cancer they would
cry and they would want someone to hug them.
And it took five or six people before I realized that that was going to be a normal response.
So it was nice to have a few people who I could speak to and I could let them know that
I was scared, because everybody else needed reassurance from me.
Patients and dealing with their families, that issue comes up all the time.
And I see a lot of patients who don't even want to tell their family that they've been
diagnosed with cancer.
And I think that's because they're worried about how their family's going to handle it.
You know, they've been the caretaker.
They're used to kind of being okay and taking care of everyone else.
And so not talking to your family, I believe, creates actually more problems, that family
and loved ones know that things are going on.
They sense that there's a problem.
And it's that not knowing, that lack of information, that silence that can really make things kind
of balloon.
So, I think it's very important from the beginning to talk to your family members to let them
know what's happening, to let them know how you're feeling, to talk about your feelings,
your concerns about them and their feelings.
I watched my family members, all four of my grandparents and both my parents died of cancer
and I saw them sort of play games about what they said to who, when.
And I'm on the page that sort of said that there was sort of an enormous burden to all
of that.
I'm on the page that says you try to have full and open disclosure.
I told everybody pretty much everything.
And it puts you in a more comfortable space.
So I actually didn't tell my husband until a day later and then had to, because I had
to build myself up for the shock that he was going to have.
So I told him and he was like okay, well, life has to go on, so what are our next steps.
And each person that I told, I had to actually sit down over breakfast, lunch or dinner and
try to communicate just to help them with the experience.
I think it's really good to let people know what you need, either emotionally or logistically.
Everybody wants to help really badly because they feel very helpless and so I feel like
it was important for me to be able to say I don't need anything right now but it's going
to be really helpful if you can watch my kids for me on this afternoon or you know I would
love it if you would bring my family dinner.
there are many ways of getting support.
And probably the most immediate and available on demand is one's family and friends.
And the one thing I should point out, there isn't a regimented system that people have
to follow.
I generally recommend to patients to go with what they think they're comfortable with first.
And if things cannot be handled at a personal and family and friends level, then I generally
there are different support mechanisms available for patients.
I feel with support groups you have to shop around.
It's kind of like looking for a therapist; you have to find a place where you fit in.
I was pretty far along in treatment when I found a support group that I actually clicked
with.
I often find that on the journey, although you may have family, friends, spiritual advisors
and great doctors, if people have not been on the journey, they really don't understand
what you are going through.
And oftentimes you really don't want to have to say a lot of words, you want someone to
get it.
And everyone else who has not been on the journey, you find yourself with a thousand
words and they are still looking at you puzzled as to what do you mean?
I sought help...
I asked friends that had gone through the same thing and they... advised me... helped
me.
Because since they had already... had already gone through this process
And one of the things that we've found is that family members can be immensely helpful,
but until you've gone through the process of hearing a cancer diagnosis you aren't sort
of in the same spot.
And what we have is a band of brothers that have gone through that experience and you
know I would sort of say there is a sort of network effect here which is you know if you've
got three buddies and you're doing a home improvement project one of them can probably
help you with a problem, but if you've got 500 people and you ask a question you're going
to have somebody that knows exactly what you're up against and be able to make a contribution.
I did participate in a support group that was for moms with young children.
And so it was a small group that didn't meet very frequently.
But it was neat just to sort of be in a group of people who had very similar experiences
to me.
you have gone through the same thing although at different ages or different stages of cancer
or different types of cancer, but you understand.
People need to do what they're comfortable with, and it's very individual.
It's individual.
It's cultural.
My suggestion to newly-diagnosed people would be to communicate your needs
as best as possible.
And keep in the forefront that you need that we need somebody to take care of us.
As a mom and as a woman I found that I was a primary care taker for a lot of people.
Through this experience I learned that I needed to go to people that would help take care
of me in this situation, because I had the needs.
There were family members that were toxic to my situation and I learned early on that
I couldn't have them in my life at that time because it was detrimental to my own health.
And that was a bit awkward but it was something you have to learn along the way.
I think that once you have been on the cancer journey, you really need to start reflecting
and assessing what is best for you and it's not really about anyone else.
So if you have to let people go with love, it's probably the best thing for you to do
at that point in time just for your own healing
Remember, doctors aren't there just to take care of the physical part of cancer.
The mental part is very important.
And what I tell patients is this is that partnering at the mental level is very critical because
this is how the body heals.
What I didn't understand was that there were counselors specifically for cancer.
So I started seeing an oncologist counselor.
It was free.
And the first thing I said to her was I'm almost done treatment and now I'm so depressed
I can't get out of bed.
And her response was that you're exactly where I'd expect you to be, you've been at war for
your life and now that things are starting to wind down you're realizing like holy cow,
I had cancer and all the emotions are bubbling up.
She pointed me to exercise programs and to start out very slow.
So that was an eye opener for me.
But I also through the counselor started taking a poetry writing class and a journaling class.
And it was with other survivors and I felt very comfortable in that environment.
And if you need to go to a therapist, it's not to be embarrassed to say oh, I am going
to a therapist, I am crazy.
You're not crazy, you're just really trying to fortify yourself in order to cope because
you definitely need everything, you need an arsenal to get through this.
So, cancer is, as I said, a very traumatic and dramatic diagnosis for someone to receive.
And everybody, no matter who you are and how strong you think you are, needs some kind
of support