(muffled rock music)
- You know, I almost had HPV once.
- You almost had HPV? - Yeah, I thought I had
it for like two days, oh, it was terrible.
But it turns out it was just a UTI.
So, maybe this is just a UTI.
Or a yeast infection or a third weird infection
vaginas get.
(sighing)
- I don't know why I always assumed you would be the one
with an STD. - STI.
- Hmm? - They're infections,
not diseases.
Shout out to my very hot seventh grade health teacher,
Mr. McGrath.
But yeah, me too.
(melancholy music)
- This is really not like me. - Have you been having any--
- I've only had sex with like five people, maybe six.
- It's OK, just relax.
The sores are symptomatically consistent
with genital herpes, but I'm gonna have one of the
nurses do a culture swab to confirm before we put
you on any medication. - Herpes?
- It's actually much more common than you think.
About one in six people have it.
- I haven't had sex with anyone that had any sores
or anything. - Well, it's possible
that you've had it for quite some time and you're
just presenting symptoms now.
(muffled speech, oscillating music)
- I mean, I think herpes is pretty bad ass.
It's like a literal sex wound.
OK, sorry, I'm just trying to make you feel better.
- I don't get it.
Me and Lucas were so safe.
Except for maybe like once, and before then,
I hadn't even had sex for two months.
- That sucks.
But I mean, it's normal.
It happens all the time.
- Not to you.
You've had sex with like five times as many people
I have. - Oh my God, please.
Five times?
Three times at most.
You gonna tell Lucas? - I mean, I don't want to.
Yes.
I know.
(chattering)
- Fucking herpes.
- I know, but I might not even have it.
It's not certain.
- Well, I didn't give it to you.
- I'm not saying you did.
I just think you should probably get tested.
- I've been tested.
But it's been a while I guess.
- And you should probably tell anyone else
you might be seeing. - I will.
- The doctors say a lot of people have it.
Like one in six people.
And some people never even show symptoms.
Sorry.
(crying)
(melancholy music)
- Hey.
How's your night?
That bad?
Then Lucas is a dick and he doesn't deserve you.
- Is he a dick, or is he just having a normal human
response to being told he might have an irreversible
disease on his penis?
- Sup James? - Hey.
You guys like coffee?
(melancholy music)
- OK, please just one drink.
- I should probably just go home and like soak my vagina
or something. - Come on.
You should have fun.
And I don't really want to go to a work party alone.
- I don't even like Evan.
- Isn't Evan the best? - I seriously love him.
- I never get to see you anymore since you switched
apartments. - Yeah.
- You should come and visit us sometime.
- Yeah, yeah I should.
- Yeah, then we could all go and get drinks.
- Like we're doing right now.
- True, right, yeah.
- Yes.
(laughing)
- Yeah.
Or, here's a pitch.
We could go together, just the two of us,
no coworkers, at a different bar.
- Mm, I like where your head's at.
Except you probably don't want to do that
because according to WebMD there is a 77% chance
that I might have herpes.
- Yeah.
- Oh, shit, really?
- Maybe.
Maybe not.
Maybe I just never have sex again and die alone, so.
I'm good, I'm fine, I'm good.
- Cool.
Technically, we all die alone.
So.
Do you like tacos or do you want to,
where do you want to go?
- Yeah.
Yeah I like tacos.
- Here.
Sustenance.
I saw you talking to James last night, he's cute.
Signs too many e-mails with exclamation points,
but cute.
- Yeah, he's cute.
Probably won't work out because of all that,
but that's OK.
- Yeah, I mean, Amy.
You don't have to date shitty people because
a shitty thing might have happened to you.
You deserve to be happy.
- Thank you.
I hear you, I do.
Thank you.
- Now, eat this, you look like a Tim Burton character.
I opened it in the car, they are still good.
(dinging)
- You're right, too many exclamation points, but
he's cute. - Wow, I can't believe
you're in love with James.
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
(oscillating music)
(creaking)