- So, anyway.
Start, take one.
(orchestral music)
- Well, I wouldn't recommend me driving a car right now,
but I'm feeling pretty good.
- I'm pretty drunk right now.
- I just wanna say, I haven't drank in the long time.
It's kinda fun.
- This is mom juice, momma juice.
I'm not especially proud of that,
but it's the truth.
- My pediatrician told me that drink IPA,
that helps with your milk production and your boobs.
- It is super weird to have a baby inside you.
- That's the weirdest shit that anybody can ever deal with.
- I mean, pregnancy is kind of a nightmare,
and people don't really talk about that stuff.
- You shit yourself, you piss yourself, there's blood.
And there was this perfect little child
that came out of all of it, and it was amazing.
- She came out and I thought she was
the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.
And then I look back, like recently.
I look back at pictures of her when she was a baby,
I was like, eeh, she's like lookin' like an old man.
I don't care, I love her so much.
She looks like a old man, I don't care.
I just love her so much.
- I'm very proud of her,
and that she accomplished everything
that she wanted to accomplish.
- She, she's like, my purpose.
And she's my girl.
- I love her, I love when she puts her tiny little hand
against my cheek and says "Mommy, I love you."
And then we close our eyes and take a nap.
And then the next thing that happens
is she shoves a fucking finger up my nose.
- I don't even know what I used to spend money on
before I had a kid.
Like what do you even do with your money
if you don't have kids?
- I have so much gray hair now.
I used to like have freedom
to do things I wanted to do.
- If it wasn't for Sesame Street,
I wouldn't take a shit by myself.
- I am sometimes not included
in a lot of her friend activity.
I wanna go everywhere, I mean I feel like I'm young.
I feel I should be in my 20s again.
I feel that I should be welcome no matter where she goes.
- I mean, there's so much crazy shit about being a parent,
but also...
It shifts your focus from yourself,
onto this other little person.
- You want everything.
Like all my fun stuff I used to do.
Nothing.
I mean this, nothing compares to my sweet girl.
- You know, I don't wanna be like a cool mom.
Like a Regina George cool mom.
I wanna be a good mom.
- Of course I wanna be a cool mom.
But you know what, she fucking shits herself
in all the places that are the most inappropriate.
- I'm sorry if I seem cool or uncool.
I don't care, but you know what?
First of all, there are rules and boundaries,
and I'm gonna try to say "yes" in the best way,
so you know what, you don't want your avocado?
Here, have a turkey burger instead.
I'm a softie, what can I say?
- Kids are awesome,
and I think that being pregnant can be really, really scary.
But I want you to know that it's gonna be okay.
Your kid is gonna be cool,
and if they're not cool, it's your fault.
- I wanna be a good example for her.
Tonight might not be the best night.
Good thing she's sleeping, right.
- I'm going to the clubs next,
that'd be more fun.
- [Voiceover] I'll take you to the Abbey.
- Is that a gay bar?
- [Voiceover] Yes.
- All right (laughs).
Well I don't do this often, I just--
- [Voiceover] It's a special occasion.
- It's a special occasion.
This is what you do in LA.
You told me, you go to brunch, get the dog, the tattoo.
It's just what you do.
Buzzyfeed... Buzzy... Busy...
Buzzyfeed. Busy. Busy. Buzzy.
Busy Buzzyfeed. Buzz...
Bees. Buzzyfeed. Buzzeating.
Buzz... Buzz something.
I like to cut my bangs
after two glasses of wine.
I don't really recommend it,
but don't always cut your bangs after two glasses of wine
'cause it could be crooked, but mine turned out okay.
Right, they're straight?