MY NEXT GUEST IS A VERY FUNNY COMEDIENNE YOU'VE SEEN OPEN "HOW
I MET YOUR MOTHER," PLEASE WELCOME MARY GALLAGHER!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU.
MY NAME IS MARY, AND THAT WAS THE NUMBER ONE NAME 100 YEARS
AGO.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M ALSO A MOM, SO, AT THE END
OF MY SET, THERE MAY BE SOME SORT OF SNACK.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL SEE HOW YOU DO.
( LAUGHTER ) I WORK AS AN ACTOR, AND I GET
CAST A LOT AS THE GIRL NEXT DOOR TYPE.
THIS ONE GUY IS, LIKE, YOU ARE SO GIRL NEXT DOOR.
YOU'RE SUCH THE GIRL NEXT DOOR.
I'M, LIKE, CHUCK, I'M YOUR NEIGHBOR.
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN YOU MOW THE LAWN, COULD YOU
PUT ON A SHIRT -- OR A BRA?
( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE TWO CHILDREN, MY LITTLE
GIRL IS ADORABLE, HER NAME IS MYIA AND SHE'S NINE.
MY BOY, MY BIG BOY GOES BY THE NAME "HUSBAND," HE'S 42.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OH, THE TERRIBLE 42s!
THEY ARE SO CURIOUS AT THAT AGE!
( LAUGHTER ) SO MANY QUESTIONS.
WHERE'S MY SHOES?
UH, ANYBODY SEEN MY KEYS?
WHEN I GET THE MAIL, DO I HAVE TO WEAR PANTS?
YES, YOU DO.
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, CHUCK?
( LAUGHTER ) MY HUSBAND IS ITALIAN.
HE HAS A HUGE SEX DRIVE.
IT'S 500 GIGABYTES, IT HOLDS ALL HIS PORN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I TOLD HIM.
I SAID, YOU GOTTA BACK THAT THING UP.
( LAUGHTER ) HE SAYS HE'S TRYING TO FIND
HIMSELF.
I'M, LIKE, OH, NO, DON'T FIND THAT GUY.
THAT'S THE GUY WE'RE TRYING TO SHAKE.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT, LADIES, IT DOESN'T EVEN
BOTHER ME BECAUSE RECENTLY A REALLY HANDSOME MAN ASKED ME TO
HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH HIM AND I DIDN'T EXACTLY SAY NO BECAUSE I
COME FROM THE SCHOOL OF IMPROV --
( LAUGHTER ) -- WHERE WE "YES AND"
EVERYTHING.
SO I'M JUST WAITING ON A LOCATION OR A SUGGESTION.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT MY HUSBAND AND I, WE HAVE
JUST THE ONE CHILD, BECAUSE OF THAT LAW IN CHINA.
( LAUGHTER ) HER AND I HAVE SO MUCH FUN
TOGETHER.
WE DO A LOT OF PLAY ACTING, LIKE WE'LL PUT ON A WHOLE PRODUCTION
OF CINDERELLA, AND I'LL HAVE HER MOP ALL THE FLOORS.
( LAUGHTER ) WHILE I TRY ON SHOES.
( LAUGHTER ) AND EVEN THOUGH SHE'S ONLY NINE,
I'M ALREADY PREPARING HER FOR COLLEGE.
LIKE, WHENEVER I GET SICK, I HAVE HER HOLD MY HAIR BACK, IN
CASE SHE WANTS TO JOIN A SORORITY.
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN AFFORD TO SEND MY DAUGHTER TO COLLEGE, BUT
DO I KNOW THAT MCKENNA, HER AMERICAN GIRL DOLL, IS GOING.
( LAUGHTER ) MCKENNA JUST GOT ACCEPTED INTO
DARTMOUTH, FULL SCHOLARSHIP.
MCKENNA SAYS SHE WANTS TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT.
I WAS GOING TO TELL HER, LOOK, YOU'RE NOT REAL YOU DON'T HAVE A
SOUL, YOU CAN'T RUN FOR PRESIDENT.
NOW I THINK SHE MIGHT WIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU GUYS EVER BEEN INSIDE THE
AMERICAN GIRL DOLL STORE BEFORE?
OKAY, WELL, THEN, YOU KNOW THAT, INSIDE THE STORE, THEY HAVE A
HOSPITAL FOR THE DOLLS.
SO IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO YOUR DOLL, YOU TAKE IT THERE, CHECK
IT IN, FIVE DAYS LATER YOU GET YOUR DOLL BACK BRAND NEW.
AMERICA DOES NOT HAVE HEALTHCARE, BUT AMERICAN GIRL
DOLL DOES.
MY FAMILY'S TRYING TO GET ON MCKENNA'S PLAN.
( LAUGHTER ) WHICH IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE
CURRENT PLAN WE'RE ON NOW OVER AT BUILD A BEAR.
( LAUGHTER ) I FEEL LIKE DOCTORS ARE ALWAYS
HITTING ON ME.
DO YOU GUYS FEEL THAT WAY?
LIKE DOCTORS ARE ALWAYS HITTING ON ME?
( LAUGHTER ) I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.
I'M LYING THERE NAKED ON THAT TABLE IN THE ROOM JUST WAITING
FOR THE OPTOMETRIST TO COME IN --
( LAUGHTER ) -- I FELT SO VULNERABLE.
I DON'T THINK I SHOULD HAVE TO SAY TO MY OPTOMETRIST, HEY,
BUDDY, MY EYES ARE UP HERE.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M FROM WISCONSIN, AND NOW I
LIVE IN LOS ANGELES AND MY FRIENDS COME TO VISIT.
I ASK WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WHEN YOU GET OUT HERE?
IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME ANSWER -- OH, WE DON'T WANT TO BE A BOTHER
WE, JUST WANT TO DO WHAT YOU DO.
REALLY?
THEN WE ARE ALL GOING TO WANT TO SIT ON THE SO FA IN MY
UNDERWEAR.
TEMP JOBS FOR EVERYONE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND YOU GUYS, THIS IS NO JOKE,
BOTH MY PARENTS ARE FORMER UNITED STATES MARINES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WILL TELL THEM THAT.
MY PARENTS LOVE THIS COUNTRY, JUST NONE OF THE PEOPLE IN IT.
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN I TALK ABOUT THEM, PEOPLE
THINK I PROBABLY HAD H A PRETTY STRICT UPBRINGING.
BUT I DIDN'T.
I STOOD GUARD DUTY ALL NIGHT JUST LIKE ANY OF YOU DID.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT IT'S TOUGH HAVING A MOM WHO
WAS A MARINE.
RECENTLY SHE ADMITTED TO ME THAT GROWING UP I WAS NOT HER
FAVORITE.
THAT'S ALWAYS HARD, ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE AN ONLY CHILD.
( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYONE.
THANK YOU.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: MARY GALLAGHER,
EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!