- [Narrator] We humans have made
the finding a partner ritual so complicated
that even experts are still finding new tips,
tricks, and hints.
This dance can often feel unnatural to us,
making initial forays
or revisits after long breaks unnerving.
We even have a name for the dance, dating.
It's a jungle out there,
and we'd like to give you some tips
to help you navigate the new terrain
or help you reacquaint yourself,
expansion pack included.
Number one, know yourself.
Before you even contemplate who the other person is,
you definitely need to know you.
This will save you an incredible amount
of frustration and time if you already know
the fundamental basics of what you need
in terms of values, treatment, beliefs, ideas, and support.
Think of it as the absolute essentials,
the deal breakers, if you will.
For example, you can probably live with a person
who likes a different brand of chocolate than you,
but you might never be able to stay with someone who refuses
to comfort you when you're crying.
Spending some time exploring which behaviors you value
can help you develop reasonable and tangible expectations.
When you understand this, you can confidently allow yourself
to cross off the list those who don't meet your needs.
Number two, go at your own pace.
Yay, who's in the whole dating thing again?
And that's right, it's you.
You're a part of this, and so you have every right
to decide how you are going to go about it.
Sure, other people may try to nudge you
in particular directions,
but you are the only one who 100% knows
what's going on inside and can tailor your speed to it.
In fact, being rushed could be considered a red flag.
If someone keeps pushing, rushing,
and insisting despite you indicating otherwise,
this is a sign that the other person
can't take no for an answer, which in turn implies
just how little your needs matter to them.
Number three, think of each step as practice.
Do you expect to hit a hole in one
the first time you play golf?
Well, dating is kind of similar.
It takes practice.
These days, online meeting through texts,
apps, and even online forums is far more common.
No one you know has vetted these people.
And if you are used to meeting people
in the traditional way, this can be daunting.
Certain behaviors show up more often than others.
For example, if you're heteronormative,
a woman will have to deal with many messages
from men with a blunt, aggressively sexual approach,
while the men deal with ghosting from the ladies.
Interestingly enough, if you're pursuing
a same sex relationship,
there is a tendency for less pressure
on who sends a message first,
and a lot fewer in-your-face inappropriate replies.
Number four, communicate and be honest.
As nerve-wracking as it might be,
dating is supposed to be a good thing, a fun thing.
And there are a few things less fun
than severe discomfort from awkward silences
or cringey outbursts.
Quite often, many of these painful dates
stem from one or both parties not being honest
or communicative about their intentions,
actual wants, needs, and boundaries.
Certainly, first impressions are important.
We're not telling you to go on a first date
in you're binge watching PJs
after not having brushed your hair.
But think of it more like,
if you are not actually a hotshot kajillionaire,
don't act like you can make it rain.
The truth will out eventually.
And that leads to seriously awkward,
sometimes super embarrassing confrontations.
Oh, and wasted time, so much wasted time.
You do want to tell just enough
so both of you understand each other.
Spilling everything with all details and history
in a torrential flood, especially early on, is overwhelming.
While it may not be advisable
to gush marriage on a first date,
it's a good idea to be forthcoming
about why you are dating,
whether it's a hookup, a long-term thing,
or even just, I haven't met anyone new in a while.
In the same vein, don't go on and on about past partners.
But being honest about the big stuff,
like being widowed, or divorced, et cetera,
will help steer interactions in the right direction.
Giving some general but honest info
will help avoid red flag status too.
It's about balance.
If you're returning to the dating scene
after being away for a super long time and give no reason,
that seems suspicious.
On the flip side, if you spill
every single moment of your past
like you're trying to find absolution through therapy,
this is also not good.
Okay, number five, watch out for red flags.
And speaking of those red flags,
look out for the four major ones,
criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt.
But what exactly am I looking for, you ask.
Don't worry, we got you covered.
Criticism isn't a one-off you're late.
It's an all or nothing thing with the criticism flag.
So more like, you're always late or you never notice me.
So the movies were right on this one.
Only a sith deals in absolutes.
Defensiveness is like a pre-attack.
Everything you say becomes the opening salvo
for a debate, fight, or a guilt trip.
An offhand comment of "It's raining pretty hard,
why'd you park so far away,"
gets a response of "I don't want my car to get scratched.
Do you know how much that costs?
It's just rain, what's your problem?"
Or asking for fun, "Do you think a hotdog is a sandwich,"
and you get a full-blown insulting tirade
about giving an inane reasoning to manipulate a result.
I mean, come on, sometimes a question's just a question.
Stonewalling, on the other hand, takes an inactive approach,
just like it sounds.
You say a thing or trying to talk after a conflict
and the other person doesn't respond or they go offline.
You explain your stance,
and they either act like they don't care
or they simply act like you didn't say anything at all.
Contempt, the most sinister
of the four horsemen of the, I mean, of dating.
Contempt goes hand in hand with being condescending.
They'll behave in a mean-spirited manner.
Humiliating you or otherwise making sure
you know they're superior in some way.
So demeaning jokes at your expense on a first date?
Run away.
In fact, if any of these red flags
make themselves clearly, absolutely known,
the best course of action is to turn and leave,
and not after giving it a go for a year.
Leave quickly.
You'll have noticed that they all entail
the flag bearer, not caring about their partner
or at worst using their partner as a tool.
Like a sport though, dating also has a yellow flag,
where there's unease but you're not really sure
if it's really a thing.
When in doubt, ask an expert.
You could also sit back and ask yourself
how you'd feel if this treatment was being received
by someone close to you.
When put in that light, we tend to lose the rosy glasses
of initial dating forgiveness.
Number six, tell someone you know where you are
and be aware of your surroundings.
I know you've been watching those docuseries
or at least have seen the newsfeeds.
You know the ones,
where the aftermath involves a friend
or family member of the victim saying,
"We had no idea where they were.
If only."
Always let someone you trust
know where you are and with who.
You never know when something may happen.
It might be something petty,
like, "This is super awkward.
Can you conveniently show up or call
so I can leave this date?"
Or, on the other hand, it could possibly save your life.
As much as we're all digitally connected,
always remember that someone you met online
or while waiting for coffee is not someone you know.
Dating is complex.
We want to arm you with your best chance.
So stay tuned for part two and take that stride and pride.
We're here for you.