Is my ex testing me?
And if so, what can I do about it?
That's what we're going to be talking about in this video.
But first, my name is Clay with Modernlove.life where we help you get the great loving relationship
that you're looking for without having to play mind games, without having to play hard
to get and without having to pretend to be someone or something that you are not, because
you deserve to be loved for the unique, amazing and wonderful person that you are.
And if you agree with me, do me a favor by smashing that like button and by subscribing
to this channel, if you are not already subscribed.
Also, just want to let you know that we do have a new training program out called Connect
and Commit.
This helps you to navigate through some of these pivotal points in a dynamic between
you and your ex, so that you can turn what could potentially be a disastrous situation,
such as maybe, for example, your ex testing you, into a positive opportunity to connect
on a deeper emotional level.
If you're interested in learning more about Connect and Commit, you can go ahead and check
it out down in the link in the description box down below.
I'm not going to hard sell you on that, but go ahead and check it out.
If it's right for you, feel free to sign up if it's not right for you, no worries.
Okay, so let's go ahead and get into this video.
Chances are, your ex is probably going to test you in the process of interacting with
one another and in the process of getting back together.
Now, why is this?
Well, first of all, a breakup happens because there's a certain degree of trust that's broken
between you and your ex.
The two of you got together, it was a great experience.
I'm sure both of you are excited about it.
And then somewhere along the way they realize that this isn't exactly the dynamic or the
relationship that they were looking for, which caused them to essentially lose trust, lose
trust in you, lose trust in the relationship.
And so in order to get back together, they need to rebuild a certain sense of trust that
yes, this is going to take me where I want to go, romantically, personally, physically,
all that stuff, emotionally.
And what we need to do is we need to actually rebuild their trust through this process.
That's one of the reasons why we say, Hey, we need to show our ex that they're not walking
back into the same relationship that they walked out of.
They lost trust in that relationship.
They lost trust in that dynamic.
And so obviously they're not going to walk back into that, I mean, unless they're in
a totally desperate situation or something where they'd just rather be back with you
than be alone.
And for some reason they can't be in a relationship with someone else.
Current situation might make that happen.
But anyway, your ex is going to need to rebuild a sense of trust between you and them before
they feel comfortable getting back together.
And so they're probably going to be testing you.
They're probably going to be testing you to see if any changes that you seem to be displaying
are legitimate, if they're real or if they're just some sort of gimmick that you picked
up along the way.
Some sort of conversation pattern, some sort of mind game, some sort of something that's
disingenuous.
It's kind of what's built into us because we want to have something that we can trust.
We want to have something that we can put our faith in, but if our experience is different
than that, then there's this sort of disconnect that we need to understand.
And so your ex is probably experiencing this disconnect to a certain degree if they're
testing you.
And they're trying to figure out, okay, are you the person that I broke up with or are
you this person that I'm enjoying interacting with right now?
They don't have enough faith to put their full trust into who you are showing up as
right now.
And so they're naturally going to test you.
Now, it's not to say that they are maliciously doing this in order to play mind games with
you.
Maybe they are, but probably not.
We did a whole video on mind games a while back.
You can go ahead and check that out up there if you want to learn more about that.
But chances are they're just testing the waters, they're just making sure that you are who
you're showing up as.
They're just a little bit uncertain.
They're just not quite sure if they can trust that you're going to show up on a day to day
basis the way that they want you to.
Now granted, they like the way that you're showing up.
They like the way that the two of you are interacting with one another.
Otherwise, they wouldn't feel the need to test you at all.
But they're still not 100% sure of that.
What you want to do is, one, continue to show up with consistency as the person that they're
interacting with right now.
That's why it's absolutely critical that you make legitimate, real, meaningful changes
in how you're relating with one another.
This can't just be some sort of papered over kind of thing.
You know, memorize a few mind games, memorize a few neuro linguistic programming, language
patterns or something like that and, boom, the two of you are in some sort of great relationship
again.
No, it has to be some sort of legitimate thing to actually allow the two of you to develop
that degree of trust.
And they need to see you in unpredictable circumstances.
Either, maybe they'll have a sudden mood swing or something, Hey, welcome to writing the
dragon, one of the five stages that your ex goes through, more on that up there.
But they're going to want to kind of see you in unpredictable circumstances so that they
can kind of get you to reveal your character.
And it's through revealing your character that they'll understand, okay, is this a legitimate
change or is this just some sort of gimmick?
And as soon as we're in unchartered waters, it's all going to fall apart.
And I'm going to realize you are the exact same person that I broke up with.
We want to continue to show up with consistency.
We want to continue to make sure that any changes that we made are legit, that they're
real, that they're not just some sort of gimmick, some sort of mind game, some sort of language
pattern hack or something like that.
Make sure that you've put in the work, make sure that you've done things like active no
contact to actually cultivate a real substantial transformation.
And then of course, go ahead, interact with them, take that connection where it goes.
But yeah, expect them to test you.
They might do it overtly, they might just accidentally find themselves in an unpredictable
situation and just be watching how you respond.
But here's the thing, you want to get in the habit of being able to call out what is actually
happening in the moment.
And that is what's going to help you to pass tests.
The way that you pass a test isn't to memorize, a million different tests and a million different
great suave answers to them or responses to them or anything like that.
The way that you pass a test is to show up as the person that you are and show them that,
Hey, this is who I am.
I am the person that I'm saying that I am when I'm interacting with you.
But still, sometimes you do end up in these weird situations where it seems like your
ex is trying to steer things this way, but on the surface it looks like things are going
this way.
And how do you deal with it?
And so what you want to do is you want to make sure that there isn't this divergence
in what's happening because the wider that divergence gets, the more awkward, the more
strange, the more weird, things start to become.
What you want to do is you want to be able to call this out.
You want to be able to call it out rather than allowing that divergence to grow a wider
and wider and wider to the point where it's like, okay, I get the feeling that something's
happening with you.
But it looks like on the surface we're all kind of behaving great and happy.
So what exactly do you do in that situation?
You want to call it out, you want to collapse that divergence down into what is real.
And as soon as you can actually start to talk about what is real, that's when you can actually
start to make progress and actually move towards getting back together, defining and solidifying
that degree of trust between you and your ex, and helping them to learn how to put their
faith in you once again.
Call out the moment, actually call out to what you believe is happening.
If they say something strange to you or something, just like say, "Hey, what is it you really
want to know?"
Or, "Hey is this some kind of test?"
You can actually just call that out.
That's totally fine.
And that causes them to actually think about it because maybe this is all happening unconsciously
for them, in which case, hey, it's allowing them to think about things.
It's allowing them to say, "Oh, actually I didn't realize it, but I was just kind of
testing you a little bit there."
And then the two of you can actually talk about what's going on or talk about the thing
that they're actually concerned about rather than just allowing this divergence to happen.
Very, very important stuff here.
And just through continuing to show up, just through continuing to collapse that divergence,
and continuing to show them consistently that you are the person that you're showing up
as and that you're not trying to use some sort of gimmick or something like that to
bamboozle them into walking back into the same relationship that they walked out of.
That's when they're going to start to trust you again.
And that's when things are going to start to really get better because once that trust
is turned on, that's when things get really, really, really easy.
That's what I'd recommend that you do if you find out or if you believe that your ex is
testing you, but yeah, expect them to test you.
They're going through this process of wanting to trust you.
Anyway, I hope that's helped you out.
If you want to learn more about all of this and how to have great interactions with your
ex, you might be interested in our new course called Connect and Commit.
You can find out more about that down below, but once again, I'm Clay with modernlove.life.
If you like what we're doing, hit that thumbs up button.
Subscribe the channel if you're not already.
You may also want to check out this series over here on what your ex is thinking.
It walks you through some of their thought process and psychology and what's going on
with them.
Or you might want to check out this video over here, but thank you so much and I will
talk to you in the next video.
Please take care.