YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF
MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, HARVESTING THE DAY'S FINEST NEWS
TREES TO MAKE THE MOST TOPICAL STORY SHEETS WHICH I SHAPE INTO
A CROSS-LAMINATED 6-PLY SHELL WITH AN OUTER LAYER OF PACIFIC
WALNUT TO PRESENT TO YOU THE EXQUISITELY PUNCHY YET
BALANCED TAMA FACTORY VAULT BIRDS-EYE MAPLE BURST DRUM KIT
THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES,
JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, WHILE I'M AT A BULGARIAN
DOG FIGHT, I FIND A DISCARDED TIN OF ALPO
AND A RUSTY COFFEE CAN WHICH I COVER WITH A USED SURGICAL GLOVE
HELD IN PLACE WITH THE ELASTICS I STOLE OFF DIMITAR'S BRACES
WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING SO I CAN WHALE AWAY ON THE SLAPDASH
BONGOS OF NEWS THAT ARE MY SEGMENT...
>> "MEANWHILE!" [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH. SOMETIMES.
IT'S A PUFF. MEANWHILE, IN MUSIC NEWS,
TAYLOR SWIFT HAS OFFICIALLY BECOME
A BILLIONAIRE. OH!
THANK GOD. NOW SHE CAN AFFORD A NEW SCARF.
MEANWHILE, "DOORDASH NOW WARNS YOU THAT YOUR FOOD MIGHT GET
COLD IF YOU DON'T TIP." WHAT A WONDERFUL TURN
TIPPING CULTURE HAS TAKEN. "THAT'S A NICE QUESADILLA
YOU ORDERED. IT'D BE A SHAME IF IT GOT
ALL FROSTY. WE AIN'T PAYIN' THESE PEOPLE,
SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD, KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?"
NOW, WHEN YOU ORDER FROM DOORDASH, IF YOU DON'T INPUT
A TIP, YOU'LL GET THIS POP-UP MESSAGE SAYING "ORDERS WITH
NO TIP MIGHT TAKE LONGER TO GET DELIVERED.
ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO CONTINUE?"
THAT'S EVEN MORE OMINOUS. "YOUR TIPLESS TRIFLINGS
HAVE ANGERED FORCES BEYOND YOUR COMPREHENSION.
TURN BACK NOW. BEYOND THIS POINT LIES MADNESS.
AND SLOW-MOVING PAD THAI. IT'LL JUST BE ONE NOODLE
CLUMP BY THE TIME YOU SEE IT. SQUEEZE ALL THE LIME YOU WANT,
IT WILL NOT LOOSEN THE MASS." MEANWHILE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] MEANWHILE.
THANK YOU. MEANWHILE, HERE IN NEW YORK,
A NEW EXTERMINATION METHOD HAS ELIMINATED NEARLY 100%
OF RATS FROM OVER 100 BURROWS. UNRELATED, THE CITY HAS
ANNOUNCED A NEW PROGRAM. "FREE PUPPIES!
EVERYONE LOVES PUPPIES. WE SOLVED THE RAT PROBLEM.
NOW SHUT UP AND ENJOY YOUR PUPPY."
MEANWHILE, IN FLORIDA, THE DESOTO COUNTY SHERIFF'S
OFFICE IS ASKING DRIVERS TO KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR
A WHITE TRUCK THAT'S BEEN IMPERSONATING LAW ENFORCEMENT.
OBVIOUSLY A FAKE. THERE'S NO LAW IN FLORIDA.
[CHEERING] SO HOW CAN YOU TELL IF YOU'VE
BEEN PULLED OVER BY A FRAUDULENT COP?
BY LOOKING FOR -- AND THIS IS REAL --
MULTIPLE DECALS AROUND THE TRUCK THAT SAY "BOOTY PATROL."
NO SURPRISE. OF COURSE, THE BOOTY PATROL
WORKS CLOSELY WITH OTHER FEDERAL AGENCIES LIKE THE
FEMALE BODY INSPECTORS, AND THE SCIENTISTS EXPLORING
THE NEW FRONTIERS OF THE BUTT AT "ASSA."
"UH, HOUSTON, WE HAVE A THICK ONE."
MEANWHILE, "CONSUMER REPORTS" HAS FOUND TRACES OF LEAD
AND CADMIUM IN CHOCOLATE FROM POPULAR BRANDS LIKE HERSHEY'S.
COME ON, THERE CAN'T BE LEAD IN HERSHEY'S!
I EAT IT EVERY DAY AND I ARN COMPART-LEY FURD!
MEANWHILE, THE BEATLES!
THE BAND WITH THE JAUNTIEST SONG ABOUT MURDERING PEOPLE
WITH HAMMERS. TODAY, THE BAND'S FINAL SONG
TITLED "NOW AND THEN" WAS RELEASED THANKS TO A.I.
TECHNOLOGY. THIS WILL BE THE BIGGEST MASHUP
OF A '60s BAND AND TECHNOLOGY SINCE "DEJA VU" BY CROSBY,
STILLS, NASH, AND MECHAGODZILLA. MECHAGODZILLA,
STILL EASIER TO WORK WITH THAN NEIL YOUNG.
HI, NEIL. SO HOW WERE THEY ABLE TO CREATE
A NEW BEATLES SONG? THEY SEPARATED LENNON'S VOCALS
FROM A DEMO TAPE HE LEFT TO PAUL McCARTNEY USING SOFTWARE
DEVELOPED FOR PETER JACKSON'S DOCUMENTARY "GET BACK."
VERY COOL. BUT NOT SURPRISING.
WE ALL REMEMBER THE LAST TIME THE BEATLES USED
PETER JACKSON'S TECHNOLOGY. >> ♪ ALL YOU NEED IS... ♪
>> ♪ POTATOES! ♪ >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH SECRETARY PETE BUTTIGIEG.