In this video I'm going to teach you an important skill to be less emotionally reactive. This last
year my family needed to buy a house. We were living in 1500 square feet with six people,
and we were trying to work from home, and it was just too loud and tight. So we looked at
homes for over a year. We carefully saved up and considered our budget, and we finally found a
home that was perfect for us. So we put in an offer. But the market was really high,
and mortgage rates were really high. And even though we knew that we could afford it,
after we went under contract I felt so scared that I was almost sick to my stomach with anxiety.
And it would have been really easy for me to think, "This anxiety means that we're making
the wrong choice. This anxiety is a sign that we shouldn't move forward," or "If I feel this way,
it must mean that we need to back out of the contract." But I knew this would happen that I
would feel this way before we went under contract. Before we submitted our offer I told my realtor,
"You need to text me every day until we close. Send me a text saying, 'This is an investment,
not just an expenditure'" because I hate spending money on myself. And because I know myself,
I know that I'm going to feel emotions very deeply. And sometimes I feel anxiety and it
means nothing. Sometimes I feel panicky and it means nothing. Sometimes I worry about a ton of
stuff and it means nothing. But if I were using emotional reasoning, I would have said, "Because
I feel anxious, this is a sign that we made the wrong decision," and I probably would have backed
out of the contract, and then we wouldn't have gotten a new house. Which, by the way, we did buy,
and it has been wonderful. So emotions lie to you all the time, but they feel so real. They
are very powerful motivators, but they aren't always accurate. In this video you'll learn how
to be less emotionally reactive by learning to combat emotional reasoning. You'll learn
four ways to slow yourself down in an intense moment and three steps to combating emotional
reasoning. We'll also talk for a minute about the difference between emotions and intuition.
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Okay. So what's emotional reasoning? Emotional reasoning is a cognitive distortion where you
believe that something is true simply because it feels true. You use emotions as your evidence
instead of logic or, you know, evidence. Emotional reasoning sounds like, "If I'm mad,
it means someone did something hurtful." "If I feel anxious, it means this must be dangerous,
so I must avoid it." "If I feel disappointed, the restaurant did a bad job. It's someone
else's fault." Or "I feel lucky, so I'm gonna go gambling because I'll probably win." Or
"I feel uncertain in this social setting, so I'm probably an awkward person." Or "I feel depressed,
so my life must be pointless." "If it feels good, I must, it must be okay to do." "If I
feel resentful, it's because the other person isn't taking care of me." "If I feel offended,
then they must have been offensive." "If I feel anxious about this relationship,
it's a sign that we should break up." So I I see this one all the time in the comments sections.
If you feel anxious about whether the relationship is going to work out, it's a sign. Break up. But
I like I just got to say like, I hate to break it to you, but there is a difference between anxiety
because you're in danger or something's wrong and anxiety because you're afraid of being hurt,
heartbreak, right? You have to take risks if you want to find love. Okay. So off of that side
tangent. Sorry. Emotions are big, loud, chemical releases in your brain and body that are fast and
imprecise. If I hear a rattling in the rocks near my feet, I'm going to jump first and check to see
if it's a rattlesnake later. Emotions are like a smoke alarm. It's better if they're loud and too
reactive just in case there's a fire than being quiet and slow and very accurate. Right? Emotions
serve a function to keep us alive. Even though emotions are so strong and so personal and and
they feel so real, emotions just are frequently inaccurate. Emotions also impact our attention.
They make us pay more attention to similar things. So if I'm feeling sad, I'm going to
pay more attention to sad things. If I'm feeling anxious, I'll pay more attention to frightening
news stories. And this makes it difficult to tell the difference between feelings and reality. But
when we fuse a feeling with a belief, like, "Oh, if I feel it it means something," that's emotional
reasoning, and it often leads to poor decisions. Now, in DBT they describe the different parts of
us as emotional mind, rational mind - which is logical, but can sometimes be too cold, rigid,
or serious - and wise mind - that's the part of yourself that considers all the factors and makes
a good and balanced decision. Okay. So emotions are often inaccurate, and they're big and loud,
but what about intuition? What about our gut feeling? Should we just ignore that? I think,
I think we all have deep wisdom gained by experience that shows up as intuition, and
we can't quite explain a reason or logic behind a decision, but we have a deep sense that something
is wrong or something else is right. Now, while your intuition comes from subconscious knowledge,
intuition is different from feelings. And here's how I would describe the difference. I would say
intuition comes with a quiet sense of confidence, um a discerning between light and darkness, and a
drive toward action. So like, "Oh, I feel like I know what I should do to make this situation
better." On the other hand, emotions are rash, loud, sloppy, and impulsive. Um intuition may urge
you to move quickly, but it's with certainty and skill instead of like flustering and brashness.
So even if I'm in danger and I feel a little twinge of fear, intuition is going to lead me to
decisive action to escape that danger, whereas an emotion like anxiety might make me shaky,
confused, or impulsive. And I do think this is like a complicated thing, right? It takes
careful retrospection and experience and careful considering to learn to tell the difference
between emotions and intuition. But regardless, if you want to be less emotionally reactive, you've
got to learn to slow things down. Slow it down. Between stimulus and response there is a space,
and in that space lies our freedom. So when you feel a big feeling coming on, do everything you
can to pause. Shut your mouth. Like hold on for a second. Take a breath. Count to five. Count to
10 before saying something. There's another thing that I've heard people say, which is HALT. Never
make a big decision when you're Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Right? This is when we're
more emotional, less logical. And I I get it, right? Slowing yourself down, like it's harder
than it sounds. But these are skills that you can practice. Uh you can, you can develop the ability
to slow yourself down and be less emotionally reactive. Um so that's the first step. The next
thing you could consider is opposite action. So if you know yourself well, um if if you know that you
have a tendency toward anger, for example, if you feel like yelling, instead do an opposite action.
Talk very softly. If you if you feel like avoiding something, stay where you are or approach it. Do
the opposite action instead of acting on your emotional reasoning. So for instance, if you feel
afraid, don't avoid the thing that scares you. Approach it instead. So taking opposite action
is one of the best ways to change your thoughts and feelings. Um so if, for example, you think,
"Everything feels so pointless" or "I want to stay in bed," and then and then you just tell yourself,
"I'm going to take the opposite action and get on with my day anyway," like what's going to happen?
You might have some positive experiences. You might get some things done. You might feel a
little bit of energy. Your anxiety might decrease because you're channeling all that cortisol and
adrenaline into action. So taking opposite action can be really helpful if you know that you have a
tendency toward emotional reasoning and emotional reactivity. Okay. Third thing is to get good at
predicting your emotional triggers. So explore your triggers so that you can make a plan for
how to handle them. Uh first responders manage big, stressful events by training and practicing
and having acronyms and checklists to go through during a stressful time, and you can do the same
thing. So if if you know that like you have a tendency to blow up at family gatherings,
then it might be a good idea to have an action plan, to have your spouse like give you a signal
when you're getting a little too heated, and then um your plan is I'm going to go to the bathroom.
And then after you go to the bathroom, I'm going to go for a walk around the block. And then you
can come back to the situation. Or something like that. There's another important skill if you do
have a tendency toward being emotionally reactive. So if you do have a blowup or you get really
emotionally reactive afterwards, take the time to analyze that experience. Write down what happened,
and then write down how you would handle it differently next time. This lays down neural
pathways that can help you respond differently next time. So slowing things down can help you be
less emotionally reactive. Okay. So all of these things are basically kind of stop gaps to help
stop the emotionally reactive behavior. Now, let's talk about the antidote to emotional reasoning,
which is emotion processing, one of my favorite things. So one of the most powerful ways to
combat emotional reasoning is to just start noticing yourself doing it. Um if we go back
to the emotion processing chart, um we start with O, observe. We notice our feelings without
believing them or resisting them. And then we use willingness. So here's your mantra:
Just because I feel it doesn't mean it's true. I can allow that feeling to be there without having
to do anything with it. Um E, explore, is um look for alternatives. Look for logic. You could ask,
"What other evidence is there? Are there any other ways to see that situation? Are there
any facts that dispute my beliefs?" Um so for example, if you you have a thought like, "Oh,
I feel like something bad is going to happen," and then you counteract that with a thought like, Huh,
reality is I'm in a safe place with people who love me. I'm not in danger." Okay. So
that's exploring. And usually with exploring and emotional reactivity, you're looking for alternate
evidence. So if I feel like everyone's being mean to me, I would look for examples of people
who were all like nice to me. Um if I feel like everything is awful, I'd look for like something
to be grateful for. And that's why those kind of behaviors can be so helpful. They combat
that emotional reasoning. Okay. Then we're on to C, choose. Clarify. And then A, which is act. So
we're choosing to act based on our values. You make a choice based on what is most important to
you instead of acting rashly on your emotions. When it comes to anxiety, people with anxiety
often believe that if they feel anxious, it means that whatever is making them anxious is bad or
dangerous and that they need to avoid it. All that stuff - that anxious feeling and the belief, "Oh,
I feel anxious. This must be dangerous" - that's all fused together. To be less reactive, you have
to be able to say, "I feel anxious, but this feeling doesn't necessarily mean something." So
we observe our anxiety. "Oh, I notice I'm feeling anxious about buying this house. Is this a sign
that we shouldn't do it?" And then we explore the facts. "Can we afford it? Yes. Is there any reason
to believe that the markets will improve if I wait? Not really. Um in the long run, what's best
for my family? Right? This is what I value. Uh for my family it's probably best if we buy the house."
And normalizing these feelings. "Oh, it's normal to feel some anxiety when making big decisions.
I'm going to choose to move forward even with this feeling of anxiety." Let's look at anger for
a second. Anger is another hot and fast emotion that shoots first and asks questions later. When
we feel angry it's easy to believe that we're being attacked, maligned, or mistreated. We use
anger as the reasoning for why we need to act out. Sometimes anger falsely convinces us that it's
someone else's fault and we have no responsibility in this situation. Let's use an example of someone
we'll call Alex. Uh Alex says, "I feel so angry every time I think about my co-worker Sarah
getting the promotion instead of me. It just proves that she's manipulative and that the
bosses favor her over me." Jordan says, "Have you considered that maybe she was promoted based on
her qualifications or accomplishments? It doesn't necessarily mean that she's manipulative or that
the boss has favored her." "No, I just know it. I feel so angry and betrayed when I think about it,
so there must be something unfair going on. My feelings wouldn't lie." Right? In this example
Alex is using emotional reasoning by assuming that because they feel anger and betrayal, it means
there's an inherent unfairness or manipulation involved in Sarah's promotion. They're letting
their emotions dictate their perception of reality rather than evaluating the situation objectively.
So first, observe. Alex would say, "Ooh, I feel really angry right now. I'm upset that I didn't
get that promotion. I'm noticing that I'm thinking it's unfair, and I'm having thoughts like Sarah is
manipulative." Second, explore. Are these beliefs true? Is there any other evidence out there? "Hmm,
well, I have been showing up late to work a lot lately, and I didn't finish that last project
on time. Maybe she was promoted because she did finish her project on time." Third, what would be
helpful? What actions do I value? Well, I'd like to get promoted, so maybe I could talk with the
boss about what I could do to perform better, and I can put more effort into being on time. Also,
if I really do believe that the boss is unfair, being really angry probably won't make me happier.
Maybe I need to get a new job or some new skills so that I can get a new job. So in this situation,
emotional reasoning made Alex feel helpless and angry, but when they process their emotions,
they got some ideas of helpful actions they could take. If we want to have the freedom to live the
life we value, if we want to be intentional and have the power to choose our path of happiness,
we need to be able to incorporate these three different sources of information - our emotions,
our logic, and our experience - and then slow ourselves down enough to see things clearly.
Then when we know what we really care about, we can make choices to line our life up with our
values. This is emotional intelligence. It's the ability to separate our choices from our thoughts
and our feelings. Okay. I hope this was helpful. Thank you so much for watching, and take care.
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