hey what's going on my beautiful people this is certified life and relationship coach coach court
in today's video i want to talk to you guys about the fearful avoidant and commitment phobia [Music]
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thank you guys in today's video i want to talk to you guys about the fearful avoidant and commitment
phobia and the reason that i want to talk about this video is because around the holidays i'm
starting to see more fearful avoidants become triggered and i don't know if it's because of
their subconscious wounds and i'm going to go ahead and give you guys a disclaimer of course
i'm not a therapist i'm not a counselor this information is purely for informational use only
these are things that i've experienced myself and from people that i've worked with this is not to
be replaced for counseling or therapy if you need that please go ahead and find those avenues or
seek those avenues so you guys can get the help that you you really do need i think counseling
and therapy is very important i want to talk about this because around the holidays the
fearful avoidants are becoming very deregulated i'm seeing more and more people reach out to me
who said that they have taken the test they identified themselves as fearful avoidants
and i think it has something to do with some of the traumas that they've experienced early
on in childhood but i went ahead and wrote a quote on instagram and i i think where they
have it right is they um they are very selective about the people that they decide to get into a
relationship with which is important i think you should vet people properly the quote goes
i'm on instagram and i'm gonna quote is um i'm on instagram my account is iamcoachcourt
some traumas are self-inflicted we tend to put more effort into picking the type of car we'll buy
than who we'll spend the rest of our life with that's got to change this is one thing
that they have nailed down but it can get to the extreme where they won't be able to show up and be
present in their relationship because they're so fixated on not getting it wrong they're fixated on
and this has something to do with careers too i got i have a i have a list here bullet points for
today because i want to make this a valuable video um they even show up the same way in their careers
if they decide to have kids you know in any any of those areas in life they really struggle to be
locked down or committed to something long term now this may not be for everyone and i know you
guys may be in the comments section and if you guys are agree with that comment down below you
may be in the comment section disagreeing but that's okay from my experience my perception
and the things that i've experienced as far as coaching and my own personal life what i
see for the fearful avoidant people and like career paths is they choose jobs that are more
flexible it has a lot of variety they may be um you know unconventional jobs jobs that aren't
like sit in your office or sit in a factory or the factory jobs could be temporary
but after a while they just feel like a caged animal and they need to get out
and they always have this this this thought in the back of their mind am i making the wrong choice
am i um not in the right career path you'll see them more like entrepreneurs uh baristas or
people who travel a lot photographers job jobs along those paths so when you um
think about the fearful avoidant getting into a relationship they're gonna have the same type of
reservations about making the right choice and this is all going back with their subconscious
programming during the developmental stages they weren't showing consistency they were probably in
really toxic and unhealthy environments now this isn't this isn't 100 this is just kind of what
i've seen as far as people that i've worked with who identifies themselves as fearful avoidants
as far as women that i've worked with that are fearful avoidants some of the patterns that i've
seen is they have come from relationships that were either unhealthy where they were
habitually cheated on it was toxic um they may have a a couple different babies fathers that
they thought the relationships were going to work out and go the distance and it ended up not
working out because either trust was broken or uh the guy may have been narcissistic or they may
have been raised by parents that were narcissistic and they have a hard time trusting someone in the
future they have a hard time settling down or and making that um that commitment last
a long time they're so used to not being able to trust people and being ambivalent because
of the the type of experiences that they've had in the past now what i usually try to tell them
is to just give these people chances you know follow the 90-day rule that i talk about a lot
because what i see was what i see often is a lot of those those people have identified themselves
as being anxious preoccupied in the past where they really latch on to their guy and they really
kind of engulf that person but after a while the relationship end up turning toxic they end up
getting pushed away or they end up you know kind of sabotaging the relationship so moving forward
and i see this more around women that are you know mid 30s early 30s or just pushing their 30s
they start to to kind of get this feeling as if i'll never find that person that i
can trust and i can fully be vulnerable with so what happens is they they end up not being able
to be present and um when the relationship looks like it's about to go somewhere and it
looks like this person is going to be a healthy option for them and i see this all the time
in the comments section from the women that comment on my fearful avoidant videos
they end up imploding their relationship or either pulling away
taking time taking space for themselves i just saw somebody post about that on instagram too where
they said that they have the ability to just ghost on someone and then reappearing back in
their lives and that's pretty much the fearful of what an experience now when it comes to the men i
see a lot of men struggle because they also had some trust issues some violations in the past or
as a kid they may have felt like they were emasculated by one of the parents around the
house or one of the other parents may have been not around especially that guys that
didn't have their father figure around didn't have someone to show them you know what healthy looked
like around the house that it was it wasn't really balanced out you know maybe a lot of
different traumas they may have been abused now this is some of the patterns i've seen from the
guys that show up as fearful avoidants and for the ones that you know were anxious preoccupied
men in the past they end up turning into guys that just um they start to lose trust in women
and they end up turning into players you know there's a concept that they talk about in the
manosphere that talks about spinning plates and they end up doing that after they were someone who
may have been a very anxious person and now they're fearful and in a way that they they um
they combat that that being vulnerable and being taken advantage of because you see this all the
time when when women leave and they go and monkey branch or they end up getting into a rebound with
someone else they struggle to sit with that as far as their ego and what they meant to that person
so that's kind of like a reaction to that they end up spinning the plates like they talk about
and what that look like to me is guys that are becoming more fearful avoidant because
they just don't want to make that commitment and find themselves in a situation where they have
their heart torn in pieces and what i learned is a lot of those guys they have a hard time
um recovering from that breakup their breakup is really detrimental for men because i feel
they have the hardest time getting over those breakups women um the fearful avoidant women
sure they don't have a problem finding you know potential guys and it's just a really
tough experience for every single one of them so what i recommend for them to do use is to make
sure that you find yourself a good therapist that understands attachment theory or a good counselor
that's going to help you uproot some of that negative gunk that you had wired into you because
our experiences is exactly how we tend to show up so people go into these situations thinking that
they have you know the best intentions in mind but you have to understand that a lot of the things
that you do and the things that you say and the way you operate is ran by your subconscious mind
which is responsible for at least 95 percent of the way you operate so you can try to five percent
your way into you know making this commitment work or uh you know promising this person something
that you know subconsciously you really can't do because you're still terrified of you know making
that commitment and being able to show up in a way that that person doesn't want to leave you
so if you found this video of any value please go ahead and click this link right here where i talk
about what happens when you go no contact with the fearful avoidant and you go ahead and like
comment subscribe to the channel if you haven't done so already and if you're not following
me on my other social media accounts twitter instagram facebook is iamcoachcourt thank you guys
and i will talk to you soon [Music]