[Music]
in the first video I looked at ego
States metaphors for different stars of
thinking feeling and behaving I touched
on controlling nurturing adapted and
freestyles referred to Inta as parent
and child and contrasted them with the
adult I'll be going a little deeper into
the scope of these Styles in a moment I
also looked at complimentary
transactions where the styles of thought
and behavior between two people meet
each other to produce a stable Dynamic
and cross transactions where the
respective styles conflict to produce
unstable Dynamics in this video I'll be
looking at games and introducing the
split transaction but first a little
more on ego States there's huge scope
for all kinds of child and parent
Behavior here taking the parent State on
initial viewing it might seem
controlling is negative and nurturing is
positive but let's look closer
controlling can cover some very negative
traits like bossy autocratic fault
finding and dismissive but it can also
Al lead to positive experiences where
structure and direction is needed
criticism can be given in constructive
considerate ways nurturing might seem
positive when it's expressed in support
compassion and care but it can also be
smothering stifling and overprotective
and end up feeling more critical than
nurturing the same with the adapted and
free child Styles in free mode we can be
egocentric and selfish wild and
inconsiderate but we could be creative
playful curious adaptive mode refers to
how we've changed ourselves in response
to rules laid down by Authority on the
negative side we might have learned to
be compliant fearful anxious or helpless
or we might have adapted other behaviors
going against the rules becoming
rebellious and anti-conformist on the
positive side adaptation can help us get
along with other humans by observing
reasonable conventions of course with
all of these factors there are degrees
take compliance like every Factor here
it can range from weak to Strong clients
can be expressed in many ways it can be
passive reacting to people's wishes or
anticipatory predicting people's Wishes
the scope of human behavior here is vast
which is great news for dealing with
games rather than being locked into two
or three fixed responses there's huge
room for creativity and
individuality here's a scenario person a
says they have some problem person B
starts suggesting Solutions one by one
person a rejects every single one of
them giving a reason why each solution
wouldn't work B eventually runs out of
ideas a quips well you're a great help
this is a classic game known in ta as
the why don't you yes but game in his
book games people play ta's founder Eric
burn outlined many such games so why is
it a game well because what was being
said didn't match what was going on
psychologically on the surface from
their conversation it might be thought
that a was looking for help and B was
offering it but underneath a didn't want
help at all what a actually wanted was
attention and justification of her own
inaction what was going on with the ego
States here well on the social level it
looked like adult adult B was offering
reasonable practical adult suggestions
and a was pointing out reasonable
practical flaws but beneath that on the
psychological level A's coming from a
helpless victim child position and B's
responding to that tug by adopting a
rescuing parent style this is what's
known as a split transaction reflecting
the split between surface appearances
and ulterior motives a brings the game
to an end changing to a critical parent
with B changing to helpless child this
change of States at the end of a game is
known as the switch the switch is
followed by what's known as the crossup
a period of disorientation when the
target of the game realizes they've just
been had now come the payoffs with the
game's instigator feeling Justified and
Superior while B feels deskilled and
Foolish Games can be played to different
degrees ta proposes three broad levels
first-degree games are the mildest forms
and feel acceptable in the player social
group players in second deegree games
prefer to distance themselves from the
game and don't share it with people they
know third deegree games can lead to
injury death and criminal charges some
suggest there's a fourth degree played
through politics affecting communities
Nations and the planet ta suggests all
parties in games are active participants
and sees the initiator's target not as a
powerless victim but as a very engaged
player to reflect the idea ta assigns
names to the contributions of the
respective players player a initiates a
game with a con an invitation in the
form of a split transaction for a game
to proceed effectively player B must
accept the con on both Levels by doing
this in ta terms B reveals their gimmick
some kind of need that B has which a can
exploit it could be a need for approval
or to seem wise or Superior or even
inferior by the way we now now have all
the components of the TA games formula a
game is defined as a combination of a
con plus a gimmick leading to a series
of exchanges or responses between the
players which form the bulk of the game
then finally to a switch a crossup and
the payoff Stephen kartman provided
another way to conceptualize games in
his famous drama triangle employing the
three dramatic roles of victim
persecutor and rescuer transferring the
why don't you yes but game to this
format we have a start out as victim and
B as rescuer the switch comes when A and
B change roles with a becoming
persecutor to B's victim why do we play
games well there's the prospect of
meeting Mutual needs the instigator
through the con and the target through
their gimmicks another reason is simply
attention if someone's hungry for
attention they'll seek it out and in the
absence of positive attention negative
attention is still better than none at
all drama provides a potentially endless
supply of attention as players
perpetuate the conf conflict switching
from persecutor to hard done by victim
and Back Again a third idea is that
games affirm what ta calls our life
position ta suggests that through the
influence of our environment and
upbringing we can find ourselves taking
a broad stance in our relationships with
other people we can take a position of
equality with our fellow humans or I'm
okay you're okay or a depressive
position putting ourselves below others
an arrogant position putting others
below us or a futile position putting
everyone down ta suggests we like to
justify these positions to ourselves
even where they distort reality and we
choose the games that confirm our own
basic position how can we put all of
this to use in detecting and exiting
games well a point I'd like to emphasize
first which applies to the whole series
most of us have probably come across
those twe training videos on
relationships or assertiveness which
show someone using a prescribed
technique to stand up to a bully or a
manipulative coworker and in response
the abuser graciously backs down down
admitting they were unreasonable and
gets magically transformed into a
cheerful Cooperative human being we all
know life isn't like that people who've
enjoyed a superior position in an
unequal relationship don't give it up so
easily they'll most often persist or
even escalate their abuse people's
tenacity in gamling varies hugely and
sometimes it's impossible to shift the
interaction into a positive Fair
exchange with that in mind here are some
of the options ta presents in dealing
with games games often seem to be over
before you're even aware you've played
one because we can get lost in the
moment so before the game begins really
try and deconstruct what happens how
does it start who starts it what happens
in the game what kinds of feelings do
you experience how does it end awareness
of these factors can later alert you to
the fact you're in a game consider what
needs of yours are being hooked into if
there's a need for approval can you risk
disapproval if there's a need to feel
understood faced with someone determined
to understand you no matter what you say
can you allow yourself to let go of that
need gimmicks will be explored in more
depth later in the series look out for
discounts and this doesn't mean a
reduction in your bills in ta discounts
refer to statements that distort or deny
some aspect of reality that painting's
rubbish is a discount claiming the
painting is objectively worthless I
don't like that painting is not games
always entail some kind of discount due
to the split nature of gamey
transactions there's often a
characteristically slippery feel to them
for instance maybe someone's trying to
come across as your friend while
actually putting you down that slippery
feel can be a warning if you become
aware that you're in a game there are
various options to consider you could
share your awareness of the game with
the other player and invite them to step
out of it with you respond from adult
taking the original why don't you yes
but scenario the parent component here
shows itself in B's assumption that he
can think of solutions a hasn't thought
of take take that parent component away
and let's see what we're left with here
B gives a credit for finding her own
Solutions a now has no ideas to reject
you could respond from different states
than the one the game seems to invite
this refers back to the negative and
positive aspects of the parent and child
discussed earlier here are four examples
of alternative ego responses to the why
don't you yes butt game the negative
controlling parent delivers a dismissive
persecuting rebuke the positive
controlling parent challenges a initial
discount that the task is impossible and
directs a to give it a go in an
encouraging way the negative nurturing
parent leaps in to rescue and this is
the most likely to cross over into why
don't you yes but the positive nurturing
parent is willing to help but invites a
to give the direction in this way a
retains responsibility for the problem
if someone's determined to persist
despite reasonable responses and the
repeated communication of boundaries the
best move might be to just flat out
unplug from them there's little to be
gained by reasoning with people who are
stuck in a dramatic role this video has
touched on some of ta's ideas about
games in the next video I'll take a
closer look at gimmicks