Last week I responded to a viewer question
whose boyfriend wanted to open up their relationship
and that left him feeling like,
"Why am I not enough?"
If you haven't already watched that video,
I'll put a link to it down below.
Today I want to tackle the idea
that an open relationship, or polyamory,
exacerbates feelings of insecurity or jealousy,
because in my experience
and in the experience of a lot of my friends and clients
who are in open or polyamorous relationships,
I've actually seen the opposite,
that we're more secure, more confident, and less jealous
in open relationships or in polyamorous relationships.
Today I'm going to explain why I think that's the case
and give you some practical things
that you can do in your relationship
to make you feel more secure,
whether you're already in an open relationship
or polyamorous relationship,
or you're considering one,
or whether you want to stay monogamous.
But first, hey there.
If you don't already know me, my name is Brian G. Murphy.
I'm an activist, educator,
and certified relationship coach,
and whether you're single, dating,
monogamous, open, polyamorous,
or something else entirely,
if you want practical, actionable advice
on all things, dating, sex, and relationships,
make sure to subscribe below for new videos
every Wednesday afternoon.
Whenever I talk about open relationships,
a common refrain from folks not yet in one are,
"I don't know if I could do that, I'm just too jealous,"
or "I'm just too insecure."
And when I work with clients
who are considering an open relationship,
sometimes one of the feelings that comes up
is just a feeling of insufficiency,
of why am I not enough?
And I think it's important to point out
that these are all people in monogamous relationships.
How many people do you know
or maybe you've experienced yourself
in a monogamous relationship
where you feel insecure,
you feel anxious,
you feel like you're not enough,
you feel maybe even jealous?
And so monogamy doesn't actually make
any of those feelings go away.
It doesn't protect us from those things.
Underneath all those uncomfortable feelings,
there's usually at least one of two underlying fears.
This fear of just sort of inherent unworthiness,
that there's like something about me
that just isn't good enough.
And/or a fear of being left or abandoned by your partner.
That perhaps because you're not enough,
your partner will leave you for someone else.
That there's someone sexier, richer, funnier,
better in bed, whatever it might be,
that your partner is eventually going to leave you for.
That's tapping into some primal evolutionary stuff
in our brains and our minds.
So if you're feeling that way,
no shame, no blame.
Just acknowledge that that's where you are
and be gentle with yourself for how you're feeling.
Those are uncomfortable feelings and big fears.
And so the question then becomes, what do we do about that?
Monogamy offers this myth that it will protect us
from all of those uncomfortable feelings and the results,
that it will keep us protected and safe
and stable and secure.
But we can know by our experiences in relationships
that even in monogamous relationships
we still sometimes feel jealous or insecure or insufficient
and sometimes monogamous relationships just end.
And so what a healthy
open or polyamorous relationship offers
is a framework to look those fears dead in the eye
and confront them.
You don't have to wonder
is your partner with you out of obligation
or because they feel sorry for you
or because they're stuck.
They could be with anyone
and they're choosing right now to be with you.
And furthermore, you don't have to wonder,
is your boyfriend attracted to someone else?
Does he have a crush on that coworker?
What's going on with the new guy at work?
because there's a place for open communication about that.
I don't have to wonder
if my boyfriend has a crush on someone,
I know he does.
And that doesn't have to be scary
or take away from what we have,
because I can still feel secure in our relationship.
When we talk about those crushes,
when I know that he's on a date with someone,
it takes all of the sort of negative power away from it
and it becomes a place where we can connect instead.
So if you feel jealous or insecure in your relationship
and you don't like the way that that feels,
an open relationship or polyamorous relationship
might actually be a way for you to confront those feelings
and allow those feelings to dissipate,
to release the power that I have over you.
And if you want to be monogamous, that's a-okay.
One thing that you can learn
from folks in open relationships
or polyamorous relationships
is to do that work of confronting your feelings
and looking at them head on
and talking about them.
Why do you feel jealous?
Why do you feel insecure?
What's underneath those feelings?
And how can you do the work within yourself to address that
rather than relying on this structure
to protect you from it?
Because the structure of monogamy can ultimately fail
in protecting you from those things,
but if you've got a solid core in yourself
and a solid foundation in your relationship,
whether you're monogamous,
open or polyamorous,
or something else entirely
is less important because you're not gonna feel
as jealous or insecure.
And when you do have those feelings come up,
you'll have healthy tools to deal with them.
This is obviously just scratching the surface,
and the work of feeling secure in a relationship
or the work of opening up a relationship
can be complicated.
And so if you want some personalized support and guidance
as you move through that process,
I'm here to help.
Head on over to briangerald.come/apply
to schedule a free discovery call
to see how I can support you in your relationship.
And if you want some more actionable relationship advice,
I've got a video that you should watch.
Go ahead and click right here to watch it.
And I'll see you over there.
Bye for now.