This week there have been a ton of stories
developing every day.
Congress is trying to avert another shutdown,
Britain is still on the brink of a disastrous Brexit,
and Venezuela is inching closer to civil war.
But nobody cares about any of that today,
because it's too damn cold.
Cities across the Midwest are scrambling
to protect people from this deadly polar vortex
that is blasting the region
with what is called the "coldest air in decades."
Plunging to as low as 70 degrees below zero
in some cities.
It's so cold outside, the U.S. Postal Service,
which almost never stops delivering,
suspending service in 11 Midwestern states
because of safety concerns.
We can't say it enough. Before it's all said and done,
the windchill here will feel like
it's 50 to 60 degrees below.
So if you can stay inside, please do so. It's important.
Yeah, we're all inside because we're not idiots.
Why are you outside, newsman?
You know, seriously, I never get why reporters
have to go into the bad weather to warn us about it.
Like, just tell us from the studio. We believe you.
Like, if you're sitting at the desk and you tell me it's cold,
I'm not sitting at home like, "Is it, though?
-Let me see your nipples." -(laughter)
They don't do this for any other type of story.
They're never like, "Earlier today,
a man was shot in the leg, and it looked like this."
Bam! "Aaah!"
But the point is, it is incredibly cold
in America right now. Like, super cold.
It's so cold that I looked in the mirror this morning
and told myself to go back to Africa.
We're talking minus 70.
Anytime you're in negative numbers,
you know the thing's out of hand.
'Cause you realize when they made zero,
they thought that would be the lowest.
That's why it's zero. If they thought there was gonna be
anything lower, then they would have made that zero.
But somehow we are way below zero.
In fact, right now America might be the coldest place on Earth
and beyond.
NEWSMAN: People in the Dakotas and Northern Minnesota
saw windchills plummet to minus 50.
That's colder than the top of Mount Everest.
NEWSWOMAN: Colder than Antarctica, Siberia
and Mount Everest.
It will be colder in Chicago than it is in Antarctica
-or Alaska or the North Pole. -NEWSMAN: Combined.
Believe it or not, at times it's actually colder
in some parts of the country than the surface of Mars.
Goddamn. Colder than Mars?
I guess... I guess that means it's really cold?
'Cause I-I got to be honest, I have no idea
-what the weather is on Mars. -(laughter)
If I had to guess, I would be like, "It's sandy?
Is that a weather? Is that a thing?"
I don't understand why they do this on the news.
Why are you using Mars as a reference point?
None of us have been there. "It's colder than Mars."
"Oh, yeah, I spent summer on Mars. It was really cold."
I don't know what's happening on other planets.
I barely know about anything on Earth, and I live here.
You could tell me Mars was named after Bruno Mars,
and I'll be like, "Yeah, makes sense.
Yeah, he's a popular guy."
Like, the news is always explaining things
with the most random comparisons.
"An asteroid is headed towards the Earth,
and it weighs as much as 5,000 elephants."
That's not helpful to anyone, okay?
No one knows how heavy an elephant is.
Like, well, I mean, Americans don't.
'Cause in Africa, we measure everything in elephants.
It works for us. Like...
Yeah, we'll be just be like, "As you can see,
"this is a very spacious property, 40 elephants big, ah?
"And it has a baby hippo Jacuzzi.
"And I know what you're thinking--
"this probably costs three tigers.
No. There's no tigers in Africa, you racist."
Yeah, and, uh, if you don't understand
what "colder than Mars" means, don't worry,
because maybe a few scientific demonstrations will help.
This is a clear piece of glass.
As you can, got some water in my hand.
I'm gonna pour it on here. You see that?
Look-- it's gonna freeze instantly.
You see it crystalizing right there.
This cold is absolutely no joke.
I'm gonna pour a little water on Barbie's hair.
We'll give it a few seconds...
and you'll see how fast her hair is going to freeze out here.
One man actually turned this super-frozen banana
into a makeshift hammer.
-(laughter) -Okay, this...
this, um, this didn't teach me how cold it is,
but it did teach me how weird this guy is.
His wife is probably like,
"Honey, can you shovel the driveway?"
And he's like, "I can't. I'm testing different fruits
"to see if they can be hammers.
And after that I'm building a birdhouse out of kiwis."
Now, it goes without saying,
most of us are miserable when it's this cold.
But, apparently, there's one group
that is having a blast right now: the police.
TV REPORTER: A sheriff's department in Minnesota
using the cold to freeze a uniform in place
so it stands on its own.
MALE TV REPORTER: Yeah, meanwhile some police officers
in Central Illinois say they've caught
-the criminal responsible -♪ Let it go ♪
-for this brutal weather. -♪ Let it go ♪
FEMALE TV REPORTER: And they're not letting her go.
MALE TV REPORTER: Elsa, the snow queen from Frozen
-was taken into custody. -♪ Let it go. ♪
TV REPORTER: Police in Missouri asking criminals
to take a break because it's too cold to fight crime.
That's right.
It's so cold that the police are sending out tweets
just asking criminals to please not commit any crimes, yeah.
They're basically just asking the criminals
to stop the crime for them, which is ridiculous.
What's next? Are they just gonna ask people to arrest themselves?
just gonna be like, "Yeah, we're gonna mail you
"a self-arrest kit, it's got a Miranda rights,
"uh, handcuffs, some drugs to plant on your yourself,
"and a bodycam, but whatever you do, don't turn it on, okay?
"(laughs) It causes more trouble than it's worth.
Just keep it off, trust me."
But look, it is dangerous outside.
It's super cold, so stay home if you can.
Stay warm if you go out
and if you see someone in need please help them out.
This is one of the most vulnerable periods
for anybody who does not have a place to stay.
Because right now, there are millions
of people in harm's way.
And yet even with that many people effected,
President Trump has found a way to steal the spotlight.
TV REPORTER: The president sees this
and it prompts him to tweet the following:
(TV reporter reading):
Ah, some brilliant analysis
from French Fry the Science Guy.
Yeah, according to the president, a cold snap
is proof that global "waming" isn't real.
Like, I'm just like, Trump never stops.
Even the coldest day of the year,
the rest of us are having a brain freeze
and he's like, (mimics Trump): "Nothing to freeze here.
Firing on all cylinders."