>> James: WELCOME TO "THE LATE LATE SHOW."
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
WE APPRECIATE YOU STAYING UP.
THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT, EVERYBODY.
LET'S MOVE RIGHT INTO THE HEADLINES.
THIS MORNING, PRESIDENT TRUMP TOOK TO TWITTER TO VOICE HIS
CONCERN ABOUT RUSSIA POSSIBLY MEDDLING IN THE MIDTERM
ELECTIONS THIS FALL.
HE TWEETED: "I'M VERY CONCERNED THAT RUSSIA WILL BE FIGHTING
VERY HARD TO HAVE AN IMPACT ON THE UPCOMING ELECTION.
BASED ON THE FACT THAT NO PRESIDENT HAS BEEN TOUGHER ON
RUSSIA THAN ME, THEY WILL BE PUSHING VERY HARD FOR THE
DEMOCRATS.
THEY DEFINITELY DON'T WANT TRUMP!"
[ LAUGHTER ] FINALLY, SOMETHING AMERICANS AND
RUSSIANS CAN AGREE ON.
NONE OF US WANT TRUMP!
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
I READ THAT TWEET, TOUGH ON RUSSIA?
WHO IS HE KIDDING?
THE ONLY THING IN RUSSIA TRUMP HAS BEEN TOUGH ON IS THEIR HOTEL
BED SHEETS.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
MEANWHILE, THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION IS STILL GOING ON.
AND NOW PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS REPORTEDLY AGREED TO AN
INTERVIEW WITH SPECIAL COUNSEL ROBERT MUELLER'S TEAM, BUT ONLY
IF THEY LEAVE OUT ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE.
[ LAUGHTER ] OR, IN COMPLICATED LEGAL TERMS,
"DON'T ASK ME ABOUT ANY OF THE BAD STUFF I DID."
[ LAUGHTER ] NOW I'M NOT A LAWYER, BUT ASKING
THE SPECIAL COUNSEL NOT TO ASK YOU ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT
OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE SEEMS LIKE SOME FORM OF OBSTRUCTION OF
JUSTICE.
[ LAUGHTER ] THIS IS LIKE WHEN YOUR FRIEND
SAYS, "DO NOT ASK ME HOW I GOT THIS SCAR."
[ LAUGHTER ] WELL NOW THAT YOU'VE POINTED IT
OUT, IT'S LITERALLY THE ONLY THING I WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT.
[ LAUGHTER ] MOVING ON, AT THE TOUR DE FRANCE
TODAY, THE POLICE WERE TRYING TO CONTROL PROTESTORS AT THE RACE
BY SPRAYING TEAR GAS, BUT THEY HELD UP THE RACE BECAUSE THEY
ACCIDENTALLY SPRAYED THE CYCLISTS.
SEE?
INCIDENTS LIKE THIS ARE WHY I REFUSE TO COMPETE 23-DAY BIKE
RACES.
[ LAUGHTER ] I WILL NOT DO IT!
THEY HALTED THE RACE BECAUSE OF TEAR GAS?
THAT'S THE LEAST DANGEROUS CHEMICAL THE AVERAGE TOUR DE
FRANCE RIDER HAS IN THEIR SYSTEM.
[ LAUGHTER ] IN OTHER PROFESSIONAL CYCLING
NEWS, I'M KIDDING.
THAT'S IT FOR CYCLING NEWS.
CAN YOU IMAGINE?
YOU REALLY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DO A WHOLE MONOLOGUE ABOUT
CYCLING?
NO!
AND THIS WAS A SHOCKING STORY, A MAN IN NEW HAMPSHIRE WAS
ARRESTED AFTER WALKING AROUND A PLANET FITNESS GYM COMPLETELY
NAKED.
HE DEFENDED HIMSELF BY TELLING OFFICERS HE THOUGHT IT WAS A
"JUDGMENT FREE ZONE," BECAUSE THAT'S THE GYM'S MOTTO.
[ LAUGHTER ] SO APPARENTLY, THERE IS SUCH A
THING AS TOO MUCH BODY POSITIVITY.
[ LAUGHTER ] ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, THE REST OF
THE GYM MEMBERS GOT SOME GREAT CARDIO RUNNING OUT OF THE
BUILDING SCREAMING.
[ LAUGHTER ] ACCORDING TO REPORTS, WHEN THE
COPS SHOWED UP, THEY FOUND THE NAKED MAN SITTING IN A YOGA
POSITION.
I THINK IT WAS "OUTWARD FACING HOG."
[ LAUGHTER ] THINK ABOUT IT.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND FINALLY, IF YOU'RE ABOUT TO
GO GROCERY SHOPPING, YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THIS
STORY.
THE COMPANY THAT MAKES RITZ CRACKERS HAS RECALLED 16
PRODUCTS, INCLUDING RITZ CHEESE CRACKER SANDWICHES, OVER
CONCERNS OF SALMONELLA.
THERE'S DEFINITELY A MOMENT WHEN YOU'RE FEELING SICK AND YOU'RE
WONDERING, "IS THIS BECAUSE I CONSUMED SALMONELLA OR BECAUSE I
CONSUMED AN ENTIRE BOX OF RITZ CHEESE CRACKER SANDWICHES?"
RITZ CRACKERS CONTAIN SALMONELLA.
EVEN MORE CONCERNING TO THE PEOPLE HERE IN HOLLYWOOD, RITZ
CRACKERS ALSO CONTAIN CARBS.
[ LAUGHTER ] WHAT?
I MEAN, I KNOW WE'RE IN LOS ANGELES.
YOU'VE NEVER SOUNDED MORE LIKE A LOS ANGELES AUDIENCE THAN IN
THAT MOMENT!
DID HE JUST SAY "CARBS?
OH!" HOW WAS THE SHOW?
IT WAS GOOD, BUT HE TALKED ABOUT CARBS!
OH.
RITZ HAD TO RECALL THE PRODUCTS BEFORE MAKING MORE PEOPLE SICK.
IT WAS EITHER THAT OR REBRANDING COMPLETELY AND CHANGING THEIR
NAME FROM RITZ TO...
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]