Starting off in Asia.
This morning, north Korea once again fired a missile
over the north coast of Japan into the Pacific
Ocean, a provocation that they last did five years ago.
And if you're wondering why it was so much time
in between launches, well, that's
how long it took North Korea to pull the giant rubber
band back once again.
In labor news, the FAA has officially
announced that flight attendants must now
get an extra hour of mandatory rest between flights,
which is great.
Yeah, this is fantastic.
They deserve that hour.
And they also deserve someone who will wake them
up from their sleep every 30 minutes to ask
them if they'd like a drink.
Anything else?
Oh, and some big celebrity news from the world of Scooby-Doo.
After 53 years, the character Velma has officially come out
of the closet as a lesbian.
Yeah.
And I'm sure right now there's someone who's
like, (SOUTHERN DRAWL) as a conservative, can I just say,
I am outraged!
Whatever happened to the wholesome family show
about a drug addict who got so high he thinks
his dog is talking to him?
(NORMAL ACCENT) No, but for real, this
is a great move for representation,
although it will make things a little awkward
for the villains at the end of every episode.
Oh, and I would have gotten away with it too if it
wasn't for you weird kids.
I mean, not Velma, you're cool.
I'm an ally.
[nervous chuckle]
I'm just saying that like a bunch
of kids who spend their time solving crimes, that's weird.
I'm not saying it's weird that you like women.
You live your truth, girlfriend.
By the way, can I say girlfriend?
Can I say-- oh boy, when are those cops getting here?
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Oh, this is awkward.
All right.
Let's move on.
Some of the biggest stories of the day,
starting off with the aftermath of Hurricane Ian.
Officials say that nearly half a million people in Florida
are still without power, and repairing
damage to homes and businesses could cost up to $75 billion.
And because this is Florida, there's
one more effect of hurricanes you might not have thought of.
REPORTER: Floridians returning to their homes
after Hurricane Ian are facing a new danger, alligators.
REPORTER: A reminder of what people
can't see in the waters.
In addition to downed power lines after hurricanes
or tropical storms, wildlife like alligators and snakes
can wash into communities.
Literally right now, there's an alligator
right in front of us.
So you really have to keep waiting to get in there.
REPORTER: This is about as good a reason why as you
should not go in the water.
We do not know everything that is in there right now.
But we know that that is a problem here.
Yeah, that is definitely a problem, OK?
Floodwaters are bringing alligators and water snakes
into people's neighborhoods.
I mean, I've heard of gentrification,
but this shizz is next level, you know.
And of course, this was always bound to happen.
Remember, alligators live in water.
If your place is filled with water,
you can expect alligators too.
It's sort of like if you fill your house with beer,
well, don't be surprised when Brett Kavanaugh shows up.
I still like beer.
My man.
I will say--
I will say, one nice thing about living in America
is that if something like this happens to you,
everyone sends condolences and offers help.
Yeah, because back home in Africa,
if you say crocodiles and snakes are being washed
into your house, everyone will be like, (AFRICAN ACCENT)
what did you do that Jesus is sending you these
creatures, huh?
The devil is in your life.
You need to pray. What did you do?
(NORMAL ACCENT) I didn't do anything!
(AFRICAN ACCENT) You did something.
(NORMAL ACCENT) But let's move on to the latest
news out of Iran.
It has been over two weeks since the Iranian people took
to the streets protesting the death of Mahsa Amini, who died
in police custody after being arrested
for not covering her hair properly, they claimed.
Now, despite the Iranian government's attempts
to shut the protesters down, the people in the streets
are still growing in numbers.
REPORTER: This morning, concern over renewed clashes in Iran's
universities after two weeks of unrest
and deadly protests sweeping across the country.
On Monday, Iran's top technology university
was shuttered following an hours-long standoff
between students and the police that
turned the prestigious institution
into the latest flashpoint.
And it's not just college campuses.
Resistance in high schools too.
Young Iranian girls removing their hijab
while chanting from their schools, a stunning act
of defiance and another sign of young women
leading the way in these historic protests.
Addressing the latest violence for the first time,
Iran's Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khomeini
expressed support to the security forces
and condemned the riots on Monday,
calling them a bitter incident and accusing the United States
and Israel, Iran's arch-adversaries,
of orchestrating the disturbances.
OK, first off, come on, man, you can't blame the US
and Israel for everything.
You can't.
He's like, well, this is because of US and Israel-- no,
this is Iranians protesting what the Iranian government is
doing to them.
All right?
It's not about America or Israel.
I bet this dude comes out of the bathroom at a party
like, looks like Israel clogged up your toilet.
Oh.
Oh, ho, ho.
And secondly, can I just say how every single day, I'm
continuously impressed by the bravery
and the tenacity of the women and the girls in Iran.
It's just so impressive to see.
Because remember-- remember, they are risking their lives
protesting a brutal regime, which I know for a fact,
I wouldn't have the guts to do.
I won't lie.
Yeah, like-- like once, my mom thought it was a Friday when
it was actually a Saturday.
And I was so scared to incur her wrath
that I just went to school.
Yeah, I just hung out alone for the whole day.
Somehow, I still got bullied.
Turns out the biggest bullies lie within.
Anyway, let's move on to some breaking news about Elon Musk,
the man who will save the world or blow it up by accident,
could go either way.
Every day, it seems like the mad genius is in the news
for something else.
And over the weekend, he introduced his vision
for the future, a humanoid robot
called Optimus, which he says will allow for a future
where there is no poverty, which
I assume means when the robots kill us all,
no one will be poor.
Then yesterday, the Musk made more news
when he got in a beef with the president of Ukraine
after Musk posted a Twitter poll asking whether Russia
should be allowed to annex parts
of their neighboring country.
And people, not only is this insensitive,
a Twitter poll is not the place to be deciding
the future of a country.
That basically has the same legitimacy
as those fortune teller things you used to do
in middle school, you know.
It was like, this says you live in Hawaii,
and get married to Becky, and then invade the Donbas region.
It's not a thing, Elon.
But if you thought that was big,
this morning, Elon Musk made $40 billion worth of news.
REPORTER: A dramatic new twist in the Elon Musk-Twitter saga.
After months of trying to back out,
a new report says Musk is now going through with the deal
after all.
REPORTER: Musk is now reportedly
proposing to buy Twitter for the original offer price.
Bloomberg News reports Musk made the proposal in a letter
to Twitter.
He says he'll buy at the original
offer price of $54.20 a share.
Musk has been trying to back out of the deal
first signed in April.
OK, I don't know what the hell is happening here.
But apparently the Twitter deal is now back on.
Yeah, I mean, I guess we shouldn't be surprised.
Elon Musk is notorious for not pulling out--
of a deal.
He stays in there.
He's consistent.
And, you know, one thing about this story,
it just shows you how being a billionaire
is so wild, you know.
They go back and forth on buying a giant company the way
most people move UGG Ultra Mini boots back in
and out of their Amazon cart.
You're like, are they ugly?
Are they chic?
Oh, I change my mind every day.
Although, on the other hand, this may be the most relatable
thing that Elon has ever done.
Everyone does this.
They try and leave Twitter with a big announcement just
to come crawling back.
All right, that's it for the headlines.
But before we go to a quick break,
let's check in on the stock market
with our finance expert.
Michael Costa, everybody.
Michael Costa, what is happening in the market today?
I'm crushing it.
I am crushing it.
I am crushing it as hard as my heart
felt crushed when I learned that Velma is a lesbian?
I mean, I thought I always had something with that cartoon.
You know, Trevor-- you know, man to man,
you ever fall for a cartoon?
I mean, sometimes I look at the Ninja Turtles,
and I think, damn, you know, if they just weren't
teenagers, but--
so hot.
Speaking of hot, I got a hot tip for you, all right?
So pay attention to the end, I got a hot tip.
Now, Trevor, behind me, this is Twitter's stock chart
today after it was announced that Elon
Musk agreed to buy it, OK?
Now, before we get to that, just a second, that story
about the alligators--
TREVOR NOAH: In Florida.
--infiltrating people's homes.
I mean, can you even imagine that, when they're
walking in there, doing that stupid little alligator walk,
you know?
But you got to understand, why is this happening?
Why are alligators getting in our homes?
Well, it's simple.
Economics.
Alligators are teaching us how the American housing
market functions.
TREVOR NOAH: What?
Alligators live in swamps.
Why?
Because they can't afford houses, OK.
Not with these interest rates, OK.
But then market conditions change or a hurricane
strikes, what does that bring?
Liquidity.
OK?
There's liquid everywhere.
This is why I'm an expert.
Alligators now can ride that liquidity right
into a four-bedroom house.
This is why that's happening.
OK, anyways, Twitter.
OK, Twitter's stock is going through the roof
because Elon Musk has to buy it.
And that's the best-case scenario
for a business, when a person has to buy the product, right?
Flowers on Valentine's Day, turkey on Thanksgiving,
insulin on Halloween.
These are must-have items.
OK, right here, this is the important fact, right?
Huge jump in value.
Now, I thought it was because they finally added a Delete
button, but my publicist tells me
that's been there for years.
Wish I would have known that, OK?
But look, this is great financial news for all of us.
One, no big costly trial, Trevor.
Two, the sale of Twitter is essentially over.
And three, now Elon can finally focus on the next big thing,
perfecting his cutting-edge robot.
You all saw this, right?
I mean, look, everyone made fun of Elon
because you needed four people to help this robot walk.
Four people to help a robot walk, but this
is why Elon Musk is a genius.
You're all worried about robots taking our jobs?
If Elon makes them, robots are going to add jobs, right?
Four people for every robot.
Robot needs to go potty, we're all going to get paid.
Now, I promised you a hot tip, right?
OK, don't fall in love with a lesbian cartoon.
It'll only break your heart.
Back to you, Trevor.
Michael Kosta, everybody.