- All right, yeah, hey, I'm
from Wisconsin.
So, yeah, I'm used to being number
one in a lot of stuff.
(audience laughing)
None of it's that good.
It's always high cholesterol,
heart attacks, cheese-related rodeo
injuries.
(audience laughing)
Maybe we're not that bad.
I just found out that we're
the only state that reimburses
hunters if their dog gets eaten
by a bear up to $2,500.
(audience laughing)
Now, look, I love my dog.
(audience laughing)
But when he gets old,
we are going hunting.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
And chihuahua don't normally
hunt bear.
(audience laughing)
We're only going once.
(audience laughing)
No, I don't hunt.
I don't hunt because--
if you hunt, I support you.
I just don't, because you can't show
up in the woods in a Prius.
(audience laughing)
You can't shoot a deer
and put it on the front of a Prius
and drive it home.
It's embarrassing for the deer.
(audience laughing)
The deer is like,
just shoot me again.
This is embarrassing.
(audience laughing)
You got to put the deer in a truck.
I've always wanted a truck.
My wife encouraged me to go
to the dealership,
just ask a few questions.
So I went in.
And this big, burly truck salesman
was like, "well, what kind of tow
"ratio are you looking for?"
I didn't know what that meant.
So I was like, five on each foot,
I think.
(audience laughing)
Five on the break, five on the gas,
yeah.
(audience laughing)
I wanted a pickup truck
and a chainsaw.
That's all I've ever wanted.
My wife just got me a chainsaw
for our anniversary.
Yeah, it was an electric one
from Aldi.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, there's no outlets
in the woods.
I got to run a lot of cable just
to cut down a shrub.
(audience laughing)
I just want to be tougher.
I think that's why I like football
players, like a huge football fan.
And they're so tough.
My favorite running back of all time
was Adrian Peterson.
He was so tough.
He tore all the ligaments
in his knee.
And then less than a year later,
he rushed for over 2,000 yards
to become the NFL MVP.
And just to put that in perspective,
when I was a freshman
in high school, I played running
back.
And the coach is like, "take a knee."
I went down on my knee.
And there was a sand wasp
in the dirt.
(audience laughing)
I missed four years.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
That's how I got into drama.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
Thank you.
No extra charge for that.
(audience laughing)
I almost tore my pants.
(audience laughing)
I had to get new pants
just to do it Dry Bar.
I know.
I am so jealous of people that can
go into a store
and buy pants, put them on
and that's it because I can't do that.
I have a special size.
I'm a 38 waist and a 26 inseam.
(audience laughing)
So I got a custom order.
And I entered that
into jcpenney.com.
And a window pops up
and it says, are you sure that's not
a desk at IKEA?
(audience laughing)
No, those are my pants, people.
(audience laughing)
I could do something
sensible like just
take care of myself
and lose some weight.
(audience laughing)
Where we're from,
there's no health food.
I went to--
(audience laughing)
I went to Wisconsin to watch
the last football game of the year
with the in-laws.
And it was just four of us.
So I'm like, well, I got a couple
dozen brawts.
(audience laughing)
And my mother-in-law was like, "well,
"I got a couple of dozen brawts."
And Uncle Jim was like, I got
a couple dozen brawts.
That's 72 brawts for four people.
(audience laughing)
So at halftime,
I had to run out and get more
brawts.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, I'm a traditional guy too.
It's hard to get me out
of my pattern.
I don't believe in the air fryer.
(audience laughing)
All these air fryer people
are like, oh, the chicken wings,
everything, the cauliflower,
nuggets, everything so--
I don't hear any of it.
You know why?
Because I'm a hot oil guy.
(audience member cheering)
Yeah, what this air fryer--
when do you even put the air in?
(audience laughing)
And where do you dump the used air?
I've been dumping my used oil
in my neighbor's yard for 25 years.
(audience laughing)
It's tradition.
(audience laughing)
I come from a long, long line
of deep fryer people.
My dad got out of the Navy,
and he took a job with a deep fryer
repair company.
Yeah, they had
their own U-Pull-It parts yard
on the back.
You need a heater coil for a 760
Frymaster, you talk to my dad.
(audience laughing)
The name of the company
is called Presto.
As in presto, your cholesterol just
went up 400 points.
(audience laughing)
But, yeah, I could just take care
of myself better.
That would help a lot.
And I've tried tricking myself
into exercise.
I was going on a road trip.
I knew the hotel wouldn't have
a gym.
It was in South Dakota,
and it was very small.
And I knew I'd be cooped up.
So I took a deck of cards.
I thought I could trick myself
into this one
where you shuffle them up and then
you're flipping over.
And if it's a nine,
you do that many push-ups.
Then you flip another one.
If it's an eight,
do that many sit-ups.
And I just kept modifying.
I may throw out the face cards.
Seven is a wild card.
Like--
(audience laughing)
take a nap
or make a frozen pizza.
And the aces were 1 or 11
depending on how many naps
you deserve.
(audience laughing)
I've tried yoga.
That's good for the body
and the mind.
And they say it helps you
process anger.
I just found the closer my face got
to my rear end, the angrier I got.
(audience laughing)
Excuse me.
I'm going to grab some water here.
Your laughter means a lot to me.
I've had kind of a tough stretch.
I tore my rotator cuff
during a prostate exam.
(audience laughing)
It was a telehealth visit.
(audience laughing)
And I had to hold the iPhone
and the laser pointer.
And the doctor is just like,
"zoom out."
(audience laughing)
I've been coloring my own hair
for 25 years.
Yeah, and I'm not going to do it
anymore.
I've reached the age.
I'm just going to embrace who I am.
And if you've ever colored
your own hair, it's humiliating.
You go to the drugstore.
And it's called Just For Bros.
And they got seven flavors,
and you just pick one out.
And you just bring it home.
You just strip down naked.
And that's how I do it, sir.
(audience laughing)
You put
on these disposable plastic gloves
like you're making a $5 footlong.
(audience laughing)
What kind of bread would you like?
And you just--
You rub it in.
Now, look, your eyes are going
to water up because
of the toxic fumes.
(audience laughing)
And that's OK because you don't want
to see the mirror in front of you
reveal a 48-year-old comedian
with auburn brown rivers of shame
running down his forehead,
(audience laughing)
dripping onto a pale, distended
white belly,
(audience laughing)
creating what appears to be
a pantsless chocolate sundae.
(audience laughing)
And they make it for your beard
and mustache too.
It's called Just For Bros Beard
and Mustache.
(audience laughing)
Why not shave it off of that boy?
You got a nice stache.
Is that real?
Would you ever comb anything
in there?
No, you can't do it.
You look like a weirdo.
And you're like.
(laughing)
I'm going to accessorize
my bottom face with my top face.
Everything matches.
So during the pandemic,
my wife and I decided that we would
try camping.
And that always goes better when
both people like to camp.
(audience laughing)
But we went on Craigslist.
We bought a used 1977 camper,
9 and 1/2 feet long,
holds two angry adults and one fart.
(audience laughing)
And I didn't know what a piece
of junk it was.
We couldn't even go up the hills,
because we were towing it
with a Prius
with a deer on the front.
(audience laughing)
And we had it.
We're up in this town
in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
And it had all these giant hills.
And so we finally got it up there.
And then we went downhill super fast
and took a sharp left-hand turn
on Main Street.
And, poof, the door on the camper
just fell off.
It went, poof.
And we didn't know all our stuff
spilled out onto Main Street
like duffel bags and shoes
and beef jerky.
And we had no idea.
We were about three miles outside
of town.
And we're just having fun driving
along.
And I look in my side mirror.
And I see a Harley-Davidson rider.
And he's got a big, gray bushy
beard.
And it's flapping in the wind.
And he's coming up real fast.
And he's holding something
in his hand that looks like a snake.
And he gets real close, and he goes,
"is this your CPAP machine?
(audience laughing)
"The motor for it is back on
"Main Street."
(audience laughing)
So I turned to my wife.
I said, honey, I think I got
do a U-turn
and go back to Main Street
and get my CPAP motor.
And she said, "that's the hottest
"thing you've ever said.
(audience laughing)
"Take me now."
So I took her.
Now I'm back to get my CPAP motor.
(audience laughing)
I picked up all our stuff.
And here's what I learned
about camping.
It's always kinda late.
You're always hungry.
You're always wet.
It's always raining.
And we get to the state park
campground at 3:00 in the morning.
And you're cramming dollar bills
into a pay box.
And my wife gets out her spotlight.
She had this big, old spotlight.
She illuminates
the entire campground like.
And we just drive around and around
like two crazy people.
And we were like, there it is.
There's a spot.
So my job is to back in.
And I do this and back in.
And then I always do this.
I go, oops, over the fire pit.
(audience laughing)
(scraping sound)
Right along a picnic table,
just scrape the paint off the camper.
(audience laughing)
So then my job is to get out.
And I do this thing.
I do this thing.
I do this one.
Just keep doing this like this,
like this and keep doing it
and doing it.
And keep doing it
until I realize I'm going
the wrong way.
And then I keep going back and back
and back and back and back and back,
get angrier and angrier and angrier.
(audience laughing)
And I realize that the lake is
over there.
So we got to flip the whole--
I'm like oooh, crap.
Just keep doing it
and doing it doing like a maniac
making mashed potatoes.
(audience laughing)
That's camping.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Yeah, we do projects at home too.
Yeah, we do projects
around the house.
One of the reasons why I love
my wife is because she just trusts me
to get stuff done.
And she wanted me to build a patio.
And I said, I'm not really
a patio-building guy.
(audience laughing)
She's like, "just go on YouTube.
"You can do it."
(audience laughing)
She encourages me,
just go on YouTube.
You can-- so I was like, all right.
So I got my laptop and a notepad.
I opened it up, typed in
"how to build a patio."
And this kind of hipster carpenter
guy is like, "all right, man,
"what you wanna do
"is measure that and cut that,
"dig a hole there."
I'm making notes.
And then the next video pops up.
It says, would you like to watch
top 10 bikini malfunctions?
(audience laughing)
Well, I was building the patio.
But I guess I could make time
for that.
And so I made some notes
on that one.
And then the next video pops up.
It said, would you like to watch
top 10 air show disasters?
Yeah, I think I would.
(audience laughing)
And then my wife comes home.
She's like, "how is the patio going?"
I'm like, I don't know.
But I'm never going to wing walk
on a biplane next to power lines.
(audience laughing)
And if you're ever at the beach
on a windy day, always wear a one
piece.
(audience laughing)
I'd like to thank you for laughing.
(audience laughing)
I know that when you watch me,
it's not always--
everybody digests what I do
in a different way.
And I really appreciate all
your different responses.
And I was working at a club
in Chicago one time.
And a retired Chicago policeman came
up to me, pulled me aside,
and he goes, "you know,
"I was watching you up there.
"And it reminded me
"of stand-up comedy."
(audience laughing)
Hey, I think we just confused
each other.
I was like, thank you?
(audience laughing)
I miss Chicago.
I used to live there for 15 years.
And my favorite part was late
at night, they'd have these car
dealer commercials that ran
super late in the evening.
And it was like they had a director
giving them bad acting advice
on purpose.
"Ready and action."
Making deals is what we do at Ray
Gorski Pontiac, Subaru.
(audience laughing)
"And cut.
"OK, look, Ray, we're going to have
"you tighten up.
"You're all over the place.
(audience laughing)
"You're like Richard Simmons
"on Red Bull.
"Now settle down."
(audience laughing)
Do you ever buy a car at the dealer?
It's the same thing.
They get you in that little room,
and then they hang with you.
And then the guy is like,
"you know what?
"Gotta run these numbers
"by the general manager."
And he goes, and he gets
the general manager.
And he's like, "what's it going
"to take to get you under this 1983
"Chrysler LeBaron?"
(audience laughing)
I don't know, a blindfold?
Have you seen how ugly it is?
(audience laughing)
It's the only car I've ever seen
with dandruff.
(audience laughing)
Well, thank you.
I'm going to go fly back
to the Midwest tomorrow.
(audience laughing)
And I don't trust the airlines
because they're advertising specials
that don't exist.
A round-trip ticket starting at $49.
Then you go on the website.
There's like $149 plane ticket.
And it leaves a year from now
at 4:00 in the morning.
It goes from Laramie, Wyoming,
to Fort Wayne, Indiana.
(audience laughing)
And it's the pilot that blacks out
over 10,000 feet.
(audience laughing)
And the flight attendants are cats.
Meow.
(audience laughing)
Thank you very much.
Have a great rest of your night.
Thank you so much.
(audience cheering)