- Guys, let's just dive into the trauma of it all.
(audience laughs)
My dad, very supportive, loves my comedy,
very supportive of my career.
My mom hates it, okay?
Because life is about balance.
(audience laughs)
And it's ironic because whatever funny I have,
I got from my mom.
She's a very funny woman, okay? All right?
She's been in this country for 30 years.
- Woo! - English is her...
Right?
English is her third language.
(audience hooting)
(audience applauding)
But she's giving it a bronze-level effort,
you know what I mean?
Like, she doesn't... (audience laughs)
She don't care no more, she's not trying. (laughs)
And I knew she wasn't trying
'cause the other day I pointed to asparagus
and she called it as-spiders.
(audience laughs)
As-spiders, after 30 years?
I immediately became a Republican.
I was like, "You don't deserve citizenship.
(audience laughs)
We gotta get you out.
You don't deserve it. Fox News is right about you."
(audience laughs) You know what I mean?
Ah.
My mom's from Somalia, which is a country in East Africa.
(audience cheers softly) Thank you, 2.5 people.
(audience cheers loudly) (Hoodo laughs)
Country in East Africa, a very Black country.
I mention that
because she didn't grow up around white people
and as a result, she doesn't understand racism, okay?
It doesn't really affect her in the same way, okay? (laughs)
And I knew it didn't affect her
because a homeless white dude being super racist,
was just shouting things at my mom, okay?
And he's like, "You don't, you don't belong here.
Go back to where you came from."
And my mom was like, "Yeah, I hate snow," okay?
(audience laughs)
When airline ticket prices go down, I will go.
(audience laughs)
Just didn't work on her, just didn't work on her.
My mom was also recently diagnosed
with type 2 diabetes, okay?
Which is the type that is your fault, you know what I mean?
(audience laughs)
(Hoodo laughs)
JK, JK. JK!
JK, JK.
I'm kidding. JK.
Anyway.
(audience laughs)
(Hoodo laughs)
(audience laughing continues)
Yeah, she was, (chuckles) she's got the diabeets
and we had to, (laughs)
(audience laughs)
we had to go to diabetes education
and the nurse had a list of all the ethnic groups
that are more likely to get diabetes
and high blood pressure, okay?
And on that list I saw zero white people.
Shout out to y'all.
(audience laughs) (audience applauds)
White priv, (lips smack).
Juicy, delicious, diabetes-free. Good for you guys.
(audience laughs)
Good for you guys, okay?
And whatever you guys...
And I always tell white people this,
now that I found this out,
I'm like, "Don't let Black and brown people bully you guys
(audience laughs)
into seasoning your food, you understand?"
Okay? (audience laughs)
(audience applauds) (Hoodo laughs)
You stay unseasoned, okay?
Flavor kills, nigga, don't do it!
(audience laughs)
Don't do it! (laughs)
Don't do it. And we're on the list and you aren't.
(audience laughs)
Don't do it.
What I like about that joke
is the white people that get it laugh
and then the white people that don't are uncomfortable.
(audience laughs)
Either way, I win, you know what I mean?
(audience laughs)
Making white people uncomfortable is my heroin,
do you understand?
I love it so much.
(audience laughs) (audience claps lightly)
Thank you to the seven people that clapped,
I love it so much.
(audience applauds) (Hoodo laughs)
Listen, enough with the anti-white rhetoric.
(audience laughs)
Just to switch things up,
and this is without any sarcasm,
I have compiled a list of all the things
that I genuinely love about caucasian culture, okay?
(audience laughs)
About white people.
I'm not even lying. Round of applause for white people.
(audience cheers) We have the list right here.
(audience applauds)
That was a trap and you failed.
White people don't need applause.
(audience laughs)
Okay, okay, all right, number one on the list
of things I love about white people, okay?
We're talking small talk.
Day-to-day politeness, you understand?
No one does small talk like white people, okay? All right?
Have you ever tried to engage in small talk
with an immigrant uncle?
(audience laughs)
We're going straight to the Illuminati, you understand?
There are no levels, do you understand? Nothing.
Nothing. Okay?
All right, next on the list we got equipment sports.
Okay? All right? (audience laughs)
It's on the list, I'm not even lying.
Equipment sports, okay?
We're talking skiing, golfing, curling, hockey, okay?
If white people are not spending
a minimum of $200 to do a sport,
(audience laughs)
they're not having it, you understand?
(audience laughs)
And honestly, I think it's genius, you know what I mean?
It's a great way to weed out all of the talented poors,
you know what I mean?
(audience groans) (audience laughs)
Right?
'Cause it's like, "You can't compete against me
'cause you can't afford to."
I love it. So smart.
So smart. Ah.
Okay, next.
Oh, this one's a good one.
You guys are gonna like this one.
Oh, Irish riverdancing.
(audience laughs)
From the knees down, white people got all the rhythm, okay?
(audience laughs)
Stop saying white people can't dance.
I don't know if you know, but we've been, for years, saying
that you guys can't dance and that's not true, okay?
(audience laughs)
Knees down though, that is the caveat.
That is the caveat, okay? Okay.
All right, and then next.
Next, we have white words like bummer.
Shout out to the Kyle that invented that.
Bummer? Stop.
One time I had a friend of mine, who's Black,
tell his white friend
about something racist that had happened to him, okay?
And the white friend was like, "Whoa.
Bummer City, bro."
(audience laughs)
Like, that's what MLK would've wanted, you know?
(audience laughs)
Ah.
And the last thing, a personal favorite of mine.
During the lockdown we saw a lot of viral videos
of, you know, racist white women,
and then as a result the name Karen became a slur.
Which, (kisses) beautiful time.
But that's not what we're here to discuss, okay?
What was interesting about that time
was at no point, okay,
white women were getting thrown under the bus
left, right, and center,
and at no point did I see any white men stick up
for their white women.
(audience laughs) (audience applauds)
They were just like, "Get her."
Like, they didn't care! (audience laughs)
Heat's off of us. They didn't care.
It's a beautiful time.
No loyalty in the caucasian community at that time.
(audience laughs)
It's great, it's great.
(audience laughs)
I love it.
The Black people are laughing extra hard at you guys,
just watching you. (audience laughs)
I invited them. They're here because of me.
You're welcome.
(audience laughs) (audience cheers)
Ah.
(audience member laughs loudly)
(Hoodo laughs)
(audience laughs)
And that concludes the list.
I really thought I had more. I'm so sorry.
That's all I like.
I mean, ranch isn't that interesting,
but you guys really like that, so good for you.
(audience laughs)
(Hoodo laughs)
You guys ever have one of those days
where you look in the mirror and you're like,
"I could've tried," you know?
(audience laughs)
"I could've done better." You know?
I was having one of those days a while back, okay?
And (chuckles) I was wearing,
I had my glasses on, they were so dirty,
I had sweats on.
You know, too lazy to do laundry.
And I was looking this mirror
and I was being so mean and so self-critical, okay?
And it's in this busy restaurant
and then this man, total stranger, walks by, stops,
sees me, and goes, "Mm, you would look way prettier
if you didn't wear glasses,
you wore makeup, and high heels."
And then just walks away, okay?
And I was like,
"Whoa, this is so much sexism coming at once."
Like, I didn't know what to do with myself.
This is a man telling a woman how to dress.
I was so weirded out, okay?
But then, plot twist,
I saw the same man later that night kissing another man.
(audience gasps) (audience giggles)
And then everything changed.
(audience laughs) (audience applauds)
I was like, "Is he a gay sexist
or the fairy godmother I never knew I needed?"
(audience laughs) (audience applauds)
Okay?
'Cause what I'm selling, he's not buying, okay?
So his advice was coming from a pure place,
you know what I mean?
Untouched, really.
I think he walked by, saw me,
and was like, "Girl, you have so much potential,
you don't even realize,"
and then just walked off, you know?
What I'm saying is it was a drive-by "Queer Eye."
That's really what it was.
All right, you guys have been great. Thank you!
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)