You are not my father.
I know. I'm your son.
[music playing]
What do you think?
Anything is better than what you look liked before.
- Hey! - You asked me what I thought.
[screaming]
Ray!
Les Doofus,
he's the number one chef in the world.
But he's got a little secret hidden in his hat.
Oh, he's bald.
Hey, man, I didn't interrupt your pitch.
I'm sorry. Please continue.
There's a little dude, whose controlling the big guy.
[unintelligible]
Use the saffron.
Put it in there. Come on.
Whisk it. Whisk it good.
Ah, I said simmer, not boil.
Faster, baby, faster.
I am; how you say, a plumber. from Italy.
Wait, you're a plumber?
Yes, I am a plumber. See my tools.
Yeah, uh, you're not going to believe this,
but we need a plumber.
Right now.
Oh. Well, I suppose I could take a look see.
Cool. Our sink is right over there.
- That'd be so great. - Okay.
You know where I come from;
which is Italy...
they call a sink a sinkaatani
because, uh, that's like the word sink,
but there's more letters on the end.
[beeping]
Ahh! What's happening?
Good Lord!
It's shooting fire out of the sink!
Whoever wins the games gets candy.
Whoever loses the games, something bad happens.
[gasping]
What happens to 'em?
The guys in the blue onesies--
Oh, wait, wait, wait. This is really scary.
I gotta pee.
It's scary?
Wow, are you kidding me?
How's it even know?
I am loving this idea.
I've gotta hear what happens next.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Okay, can we just take a quick bathroom break?
Fine. Go take a bathroom. Break.
[piano playing]
A tiger and her babies are depending on you.
I'd bring it myself,
but by now the tranquilizers are affecting me,
and I'm probably playing piano and dressed like a peacock.
SWAT. I can't go to the zoo.
That's right, a peacock. And don't forget,
precious baby tigers are depending on you.
All the Xs and all the Os. Schwoz
[Schwoz laughing] [groaning]
Okay, Okay. I'm just gonna go to the zoo,
drop off this tiger tranquilizer,
not get kissed by my best friend,
and then leave.
[piano playing]
Up to tube.
Lay some of that sweet sax on me, giant moth.
You got it, Schwoz.
[music playing]
I know I have wizard powers inside of me.
But my teacher... he's so mean.
I am a wizard teacher, and I'm mean.
Special gum for a special occasion.
Vice mayor said you guys have to look extra fancy tonight.
I think these will do the trick.
This tastes terrible.
Yeah, it tastes like, uh--
Like, uh, my butt.
- Yes. - Yeah,
Couldn't quite put my finger on it.
- Tastes like butt. - Butt, tastes like butt.
It's Schwoz's recipe.
I just mix the ingredients and turn the gum maker on.
Ah, you mix in some butt?
[laughing]
Just blow a bubble.
I put some butt in there.
Sorry?
Whoo whoo!
What? They look hot.
- He's right. - I mean, he's not wrong.
Great. Then you should blend right in.
Why are you wearing tuxedos, you gunches?!
Because we received incorrect information, sir.
Nice, dude, you just admitted to being a gunche.
I think they knew,
[gasping]
Is that a Theranos boot?
Like the one Theranos wears in Eternity War?
Oh, I love that movie.
It's not like the Theranos boot from Eternity War...
- Turn coming. - I can't even right now.
... it is the Theranos boot from Eternity War.
- What?! - No way!
Beautiful.
How did you even get that?
This thing should be in the Museum
of Awesome Things from Awesome Movies.
Oh, it was headed to MATFAM...
so, the whole world could enjoy it...
but then I bought it.
So now only I can enjoy it.
Kind of a jerk move, but I want to put it on.
Ah-ah-ah.
I'm next.
Only three people can touch this boot, me, myself,
and Isha Thompson, who of course played Theranos
- in the movie. - That's not fair.
I am explosively mad.
Sorry. This boot is too valuable.
I know y'all been messing with my crate.
[overlapping chatter]
That's right look at the ground and mutter.
And just know that no one... is allowed
to touch my Theranos boot... ever.
Got it?
Now I've got to go pick up a nuclear proof display case.
I trust you all.
Aw. [unintelligible]
To understand that...
Okay, what?
if any of you so much as touch that boot...
I will end you.
End you.
The bad guys killed the only thing she loved.
- Her family? - Her friends?
- Her dog. - Worse, her cellphone.
[gasping]
Ding dong.
You're just pitching John Wick .
Oh, I've never even seen that Keanu Reeves movie.
Somebody get this guy out of here.
No, no, I got more.
These two guys who say, "Whoa" a lot
and need to finish their history project.
Whoa.
Luckily, they have a time traveling phone room.
- That's just Bill and Ted . - We'll get sued.
Nah, dog, it's a parody. Totally legal.
Next.
A group of skydiving surfers dress up like ex-presidents
and rob banks.
This is Point Break .
You're just pitching us Keanu Reeves' movies.
Do you have any original ideas?
Hold up. Hold up. I got another one.
I-Is it the Matrix ?
Okay, I got a different one.
He's on a bus that can't slow down.
Thanks Schwoz for creating me. He's a genius.
I bet you say that to all your programs.
Only the cute ones.
[chuckles]
Boop.
Mmm. Anybody else getting real uncomfortable?
Okay, guys, now remember, it's probably not aliens,
but just in case make- Ah, an alien!
Kill him with fire!
Oh, no, Captain Man, it's me, the commissioner.
Oh.
He doesn't look like an alien.
It's worse, Swellview's new police commissioner.
I've been dodging this guy's calls for weeks.
Well, you're not blaming it on us like you usually do.
- Good idea. - No.
Hey, buddy.
Cappie. Ha ha ha ha ha.
I've been trying to call you for weeks.
Haven't you gotten any of my voicemails?
Shout Out lost my phone.
- Every time. - This guy.
- Ah, no biggie, my guy. - Alright.
Now that I've got this sweet spotlight,
I can contact you any time.
What about during the day?
Chief's grammy, you wanted to see me?
I know you're only one week away from retirement, Berta,
but the vice mayor's all over me about crime
being to crime-y.
About to give me a gall dang ulcer.
So, I'm giving you a psychotic partner.
I feel like I've seen this movie.
Wait, I'm getting to the good part.
The psycho partner.
Officer Wingnut, get in here!
I live in a solitary trailer on a private California beach,
which seems bad but in real life
would cost at least $20 million.
This guy can't be my partner. He's crazy.
You won't like each other at first.
He's got the accent.
You won't like each other at first,
but as you together to take down a common enemy,
you'll develop a begrudging respect.
Want to go take down a bad guy?
Only if we break every rule in the book.
Wait, wait, wait. I've definitely seen this before.
Like a thousand times.
I was loving the chief.
Why can't the buddy cops be girls?
Yes.
And because they're girls, they're like smarter.
Yes, they solved the case like super fast.
- The bad guy's the chief. - Let's take him down.
Put your hands where I can see 'em.
Wait, wait. Hold up. Wait. Stop, stop, stop.
Why is the chief's shirt got to be so small?
We didn't say it was small.
I think everyone just sort of imagined it that way.
What are you doing?
I'm just shining this glass.
[thundering]
Yeah, well, references to old movies aren't going
to help me write the great American meme.
You could try taking an axe and smashing the door
to Henry's bedroom and... hurting him.
Uh... I don't know if I should hurt Henry.
Come on.
Okay. I'll hurt him.
You got an axe?
I got this.
Good enough.
[thundering]
Hey, wait a second.
Thought we were alone in this house.
[thundering]
[gasping]
[chuckles]
Oh, boy. I really have... gone crazy.
Come play with us, Henry.
[thundering]
Sure, as long as it's not Fortnight, I'm in.
Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in.
Okay, come on in.
Are...
- The door's unlocked. - you...
Just turn the handle, dude.
...scared... yet?
[thundering]
Each kid gets a million bucks and a banger off an education.
Much better than this dump.
Hey.
What kind of gifted school is run
by an old bald guy in a wheelchair?
I am not old!
Oh, pipe down, Mr. Clean.
[whining]
My hair.
Charlotte.
[distorted] Glad you're here.
I don't know if you're a guacamole fan,
but I made this pretty awesome bowl
of my own re-
[shattering]
Hey! If you don't want to try my guacamole-
[screaming]
[groaning]
I'm okay.
Uh, guys, little help here.
Whoa, whoa, Charlotte.
What's wrong with you? How come you-
Whoa!
Okay, Schwoz, you talk to her.
[shrieking]
What are you doing?
Shh. I want her to think I'm dead.
The bridge is out!
What are we gonna do?!
Don't need a bridge cause we've got family!
Chapa! No!
So, what happens to him?
I'll tell you what happens. His sister delivers
the greatest Oscar bait monologue in movie history.
His bones are in the ground now...
but his spirit lives on in all of us.
And maybe... just maybe...
the treasure...
was the friends we made along the way.
Now fight!