Hey, I'm Roy Wood, Jr., and she's Desi Lydic.
Roy, thank you.
How you doing?
Oh, that's enough small talk.
Let's get into it, Desi.
Today we're talking about air travel in America.
I don't know about you, Desi, but I
love flying because, honestly, there's
nothing better than being trapped in a metal
tube with 300 strangers during a pandemic and all
of us praying that the pilot ain't
too drunk to land this bitch.
But I love that.
Well, I'll be honest.
I don't actually love that.
I got to tell you, I had the worst flight last weekend.
This kid next to me cried the entire time,
just screaming in my ear.
I was like, I don't care you're my son.
Mommy's trying to watch Zoolander.
That's right.
You got to watch Zoolander on that flight.
- You got to watch Zoolander. - It's a classic.
Tour de force.
Let's show them our blue steel.
Oh, blue steel?
Yeah.
[cheering]
I have to do very little for that.
I have, like, resting blue steel face.
OK.
And it's not just me, Roy.
Air travel has gotten so bad recently that Congress has
been forced to get involved.
REPORTER: Senators Ed Markey and Richard Blumenthal
introduced an airline passengers bill of rights
aimed at requiring airlines to fairly
compensate flyers during airline-caused delays
and cancellations.
The senators also want to limit fees for bags, seating,
as well as for changes or cancellations.
If passengers could receive 1,350 bucks whenever
their flight is delayed by four hours,
I am guaranteeing you there would be a lot fewer delays.
[cheering]
Yeah.
Yeah, we could soon be getting an airline
passengers bill of rights.
And if it's anything like the original Bill of Rights,
we just have to wait another hundred years for it
to apply to women and Black people.
[laughter]
Yup.
But that's great to hear.
And I got to say, $1,300 is a lot of money.
It's a lot of money, especially if you can buy a $200
flight for a chance to win the grand.
People going to be gambling at the airport.
You gonna buy a cheap ticket and wait for the delay.
The sky lounge gonna look like the off-track betting.
Like, come on, Delta.
Give me that mechanical failure.
[applause]
I, for one, am glad that they're finally doing
something about the fees.
They've been nickel and diming us for years--
fees for baggage, fees to print a boarding pass.
Now there's even fees for picking a seat.
Like, what are you going to do if I don't pick a seat?
How about I just stand the entire flight?
I'll treat your damn airplane like it's a subway
and stand there breakdancing and jerking off.
[cheering]
- That's true. - I'll do it.
That's true.
I will.
Oh, oh.
Speaking of jerking off on the airplane--
Go on.
--there's been a lot of reports lately of passengers
stuck on the runway for hours.
And as the laws of physics state,
when there's too much time to kill,
white people bust out the acoustic guitars.
(SINGING) Take me home, country road.
One more time!
Country road, take me home.
Oh, yeah.
[laughter]
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Look, no one has ever been like,
you know what would make this delayed-ass flight better?
Let's break out in a sing along.
Also-- also, didn't the dude who wrote that song-- didn't
he die in a plane crash?
[applause]
How was plane crash dude in charge
of the anthem for air travel?
How was he in charge of that?
And I'm asking you because you white.
How was that possible?
Oh, I don't know.
But I'll bring it up at the next white people meeting.
OK.
But, yeah, seeing John Denver on a flight
is like tempting fate.
Like, I wouldn't watch Titanic on a cruise.
I mean, yeah, I'll check out the titty painting scene,
but that's it.
And one of the big reasons air travel
in this country is struggling is the FAA, or more
commonly known as "faaaaa."
That's right.
"Faaaaa" is in a lot of trouble right now
because we're finding out how outdated
some of these airports are.
I mean, they're tracking flights with paper strips.
They're not using computers.
They're writing your flight on a paper strip
and putting it up on the board.
Arts and crafts!
My god, how are these planes not crashing all the time?
Well, they're getting close.
REPORTER: The FAA is forming a team of experts
to examine flight safety after several recent close calls
involving commercial planes.
A FedEx Boeing 767 was about to land at Austin's International
Airport as a Southwest Airlines 737 was told to take
off from the same runway.
The two planes came within 100 feet
of colliding in thick fog.
It comes three weeks after another near collision at JFK,
where a Delta Airlines flight abruptly stopped its takeoff
as an American Airlines flight taxied across the runway
in front of it.
REPORTER: A midair scare in December
just recently came to light.
A United airlines plane departing Maui
took a nosedive, plummeting more than 1,400 feet
in about 20 seconds, coming within 775
feet of the Pacific Ocean.
Flames shooting out from under the wing of a delta plane
traveling from Scotland to New York,
forced to make an emergency landing.
Delta blames a mechanical issue.
[laughter]
Yeah, no shit.
Look, I'm not an engineer, Desi.
I'm not an engineer.
But if the wing is on fire, that
looks like a mechanical issue.
Yeah, and also, oh, my god, can you
imagine dying in a plane crash on the runway?
Like, if I'm dying in a plane, I'd better be in the air.
Otherwise, I'm just going all the way through TSA
just to die in a car crash.
[laughter]
It's terrible.
And to add insult to injury, now
you dead, and you don't have your full-size shampoo.
You know what, Roy?
These incidents make me think that we need a new passenger
bill of rights.
Article I, airlines should not kill you.
Article II--
[applause]
Article II if they do kill you, you get $1,300.
[applause]
Article III, get rid of the paper
strips, or at least laminate them.
It's the 20th century.
It's the 21st century.
[laughter]
Article IV, if someone on the flight has to die,
it should be the person with the acoustic guitar.
[cheering]
Hands down.
And also, let me just slip in Article V,
no more children on flights.
[cheering]
What about your kid?
Especially my kid.
No more children on flights.
Get them off.
Works for me.
Thanks for chatting, Desi.