um so there are three reasons a child might be hitting one of the reasons is they're just being
silly and they don't recognize that silly is not hitting okay so that's one reason another reason
is they might just be frustrated over something they're frustrated over something another child
is doing or something that's going on around them and then for when we're talking about a
young child one of the more rare reasons that a young child might hit would be because they are
being a bully they're trying to dominate over somebody else that's not usual with a little
child but it can happen sometimes so what do you do about that well one of the first things you
want to do is immediately address it but make sure that you're not addressing it in anger none of the
things that you want to do when you're trying to raise children should be motivated by your anger
okay so first address it immediately and without anger and then second you want to remove the child
from the situation now if they're hitting you of course that might be a little more difficult to
remove them from the situation but what you do is you stop what you're doing and set them next to
you and we'll talk a little bit more about that in a minute okay and then you want to have I to
eye contact in the follow-up situation and you want to do roleplay now as far as the hitting
goes you're going to address that in the same way no matter what the reason is but you want to know
the reason for the follow-up okay so when they first start hitting you want to make sure you
kind of understand why you don't have to go into a long conversation with them about that but you
kind of wanted to understand why so you know what to do as a follow-up when you're doing the eye to
eye contact okay and then you're gonna roleplay now when we talk about eye to eye contact and
I'm going to talk about this a lot so if you watch my channel and you see me talking about eye to eye
contact you're gonna hear that a lot because that is a very effective way to build that relationship
with your child which you need to do okay so the eye to eye contact is the teaching teaching
is when you're putting information into the other person's mind okay so when you're teaching someone
you're putting information into their mind and then the roleplay part is where you're training
them so the training is taking that information and using it in action okay so you want to teach
and train your child so I'm all about teaching and training children I'm not a whole lot about
punishment I'm okay with consequences consequences are necessary and sometimes consequences seem like
punishments but I always think of a punishment more as like I'm gonna get them for doing that
you know and I know that's not the purpose but really consequences are what are most effective
and what keeps your relationship going with them because I'm gonna say this a lot - the
key to a child behaving well is the relationship that is built with it with the parent okay so an
appropriate genuine personal relationship okay all right so let's say they've hit they've hit
you they've hit someone else whatever you're gonna take the child and you're gonna say you know what
you need to sit out for a moment and we're not talking about timeout okay I think timeout is
kind of a waste of time okay timeout really I don't see that as a genuinely great thing to do
it's never necessary but I just don't see it as a good alternative what you're doing is you're
taking them out for a moment and you're letting them get control themselves and you can tell them
that okay a two-year-old can't understand a whole lot all right two three four or five whatever they
can understand when you're saying you need to get control of yourself okay and you sit them
next to you and now what you don't do is you don't then coddle them rub their back give
them a lot of lovin and all that kind of thing and you're not being mean and you're not being
angry either but they should not get a reward for behaving badly okay so a lot of I've seen
this happen a lot parents will see a child hit or do something inappropriate or whatever and they go
over and they take them out of the situation and then they'd love on him okay now what you've just
done when you do that is you are just showing that child what reward they might receive by
behaving badly they're just gonna do it again when they get frustrated and you don't want them to do
that right okay so you're gonna set them next to you no coddling say you need to get control of
yourself now I've also heard a lot of people say you want to give them one minute for every year
and age and I think that's a good that's a good guideline I really think so but you know what
if they're five and you can see in two minutes they've got control of themself you don't have
to set the timer for five minutes you know okay because the point isn't that they sit there for
five minutes right the point is that they get themselves under control okay that's the point
then once they have themself under control five years old four years I don't matter you know then
you want to take them and let them come and talk to you so one of the things you're gonna teach and
train them to do is you're gonna say when you have yourself under control then come and let me know
let them sit there for a minute now let's say that this happens and they throw a fit that's a
whole different broadcast okay and we are going to address that next Thursday at 9:00 a.m. I'm gonna
do my next live webcast at 9:00 a.m. next Thursday and we will talk about what to do if they throw a
fit okay that's a whole different situation right now we're just talking about the hitting they've
hit and now they're sitting next to you and you've said when you're ready to have a talk come and let
me know now let's say you're talking you're with a group of moms and the kids are over there playing
your child hits you telling me come and sit down they should not come and interrupt you what they
do is they put their hand on you gently and wait and you put your hand on them when you recognize
through there so they know they're going to talk to you okay then when you have a moment you say
just a minute and then you talk to them okay so they shouldn't be able to just at any moment get
your attention because that's not appropriate so anyway they come to you and they say they're ready
okay now if you've done this over and over again they're gonna know they're gonna know what you're
talking about okay they're gonna know what to do okay so they come over it and then you have an
eye-to-eye conversation with them very important I to eye conversation and you talk to them about
the reason that they were hitting let's say they were being silly say okay hitting isn't
appropriate for silliness okay so if you're being silly and you want to play one thing you don't do
when you're playing is hit okay do you understand that then they'll be yeah okay I understand okay
if it happens again you do the whole same thing again except this time you say you know what
you're done playing for today with those children because you've hit twice okay and you can let them
know that the first time when they come to you and then they're they're getting you're having that
icon contact with them you say you know what if you do that again you'll have to sit out the rest
of playtime okay so you won't be able to play with your friends okay and if they're hitting
you of course you can address the same thing if you do that again we're done playing okay so if
it's number two and that was over frustration I believe I said number two yeah frustration and
it's because I don't like what another person's doing then you need to address that say you know
what it's okay if you don't like what someone else is doing that's totally fine and I understand that
but if you don't like what they're doing hitting is an appropriate thing okay now again I'm gonna
tell you two year-olds understand a whole lot more than people give them credit for okay they
can understand that if you say if you're upset hitting is not okay a two-year-old can understand
that three and four and five of course can bit twos two yards can understand that okay so when
you're upset here's what you can do okay so you don't just say don't do that you need to give
them an alternative to what they can do when they get upset so you can say when you get upset here's
what you can do you can come to mom and put your hand on my arm if I'm talking or whatever and then
we can talk about what the problem is okay now of course I can't address what all the problems
might be there could be all kinds of problems so the point is that when they get upset they don't
act out instead they come to you and you have a conversation with them this is not only helping
them understand how to control their emotions it's also making them understand to have a relationship
with you it's building that relationship that you need for them to have in order for them to behave
well and when they behave well they're happy misbehaving children are not happy children right
and there nobody else is happy either around them okay so that's what you do let me see the next
thing I wanted to address ah yes okay I made sure that you understand no coddling and no no reward
for that behavior okay so when they're done you can let them go back and play all right let me see
what else I wanted to address ah okay yes I wanted to go over this other article that I found now
when I do these live webcasts what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna have a subject that some mom has asked
me about because this was one of the subjects one of the moms asked me about and then I'm
gonna go online and I'm going to look at what the parenting advice might be so what I typed in was
I think I typed in what to do if your child hits or something like that and uh oh my goodness you
know what talking about controlling your emotions this is kind of hard for me to control when I see
some of the advice online it just makes me so upset inside because I think moms are getting
this advice and they're thinking because some of it looks really official and probably is official
I don't know and they're getting this advice and it's such bad advice I mean it just really
is and so it makes me sad and it makes me upset because it's gonna make the mom struggle more
in the end to listen to this kind of advice well I'm going to read this little bit here that I got
off the internet and then we're gonna talk about it okay now I don't want to address who actually
did this because if I do I don't want to put down anybody I'm not I'm not trying to disparage other
parenting advice people because I know they're trying to help I understand that but if they want
me to address who they are and give them credit for it I will actually I'm putting it down so I
don't know if they're gonna want that okay so it's said in a response to a daughter hitting
if you're calm and quiet as a parent and you've gently prevented her from hitting the ceiling in
other words part of the advice was stop her like hold her hand or stop you know her arm okay true
of course but the feelings that drive the hitting will bubble up she'll feel intensely uncomfortable
she'll begin to cry or sweat or tremble or fall down in a tantrum now this is where it gets kind
of this we know is an odd perspective but it's one that makes all the difference now this is an
italics you want her feelings to tumble out in a great big emotional wave no you don't just and no
you don't want that you want all that negative energy out of her not hiding in the corners of
her mind waiting to cause trouble no not true I'll talk to you about that in just a minute why your
child is upset it helps her greatly when you can be loving and calm I agree with that you want to
be loving and calm but I don't think my loving and calm is the same as what they're expecting loving
and calm to be she doesn't have to be afraid of your impulsive behavior or your disapproval
true you don't want her to be afraid of your impulsive behavior I think it's okay if she's
afraid of your disapproval that's okay not afraid like she refrained you're gonna do something but
you don't want her to be fine I don't care if she disapproves it's okay she doesn't like that
I think that's great your child can't concentrate on letting all that tension tumble out do you want
your child to concentrate on letting her tension tumble out in other words let it all go let your
emotions just fly do you want your child to do that that's how you're gonna train your child
to behave no no I don't agree with that at all here's here's some more it's interesting maybe
she'll cry or she may begin to perspire while she screams we're talking about a tantrum here
okay your child might arch her back in your arms or throw herself on the ground she might
kick and flail believe it or not oh this is where my emotions get high and I'm gonna have to really
be careful about that because I'm talking about controlling your emotions right okay believe it or
not the more vigorous her reaction the better the outcome of her emotional episode she is expelling
bad feelings fear in particular using your calm press as her signal that she's free to let go of
the feelings that have infected her behavior that is the most horrible I mean just that is horrible
advice okay that is just bad here's why here's why now next Thursday like I said next Thursday
at 9 I'm going to have another web light live webcast and we will talk about Tantrums and
what to do which this is totally not what to do about a tantrum okay so what's wrong with this
is what they're saying is it's okay to allow your child to completely let their emotions go act in a
totally inappropriate way if they're feeling bad if they're feeling upset and frustrated that's
totally fine let them behave like that dad is not fine and I this is what this is where my
emotions get high because I care about you moms and dads I care about you I don't want you to
have to put up with that and you know what that does not make the child feel better it doesn't
if a child goes around and doesn't know how to control their emotions they don't feel better
they don't you know it's like a momentary fix to let your anger out but that doesn't in the end
make a child feel better just like it doesn't make you feel better when you completely lose control
of yourself you don't feel better either you feel bad about yourself okay and you know a child who
behaves that way it's gonna be hard for a child errant not to get angry other people aren't gonna
Bennett want to be around a child that behaves like that right they're not nobody wants to be
around somebody that behaves that way child or not right so this is just not good advice when
a child hits they need to be taught they need to be trained and they should not be allowed
to behave badly which is what this is basically saying oh well it's okay if they behaved badly
as long as they don't hit no it's not okay all right so you know I have on my podcast my
audio podcasts I have one of them that says it's not okay and I'm not sure which one it is I can't
even tell you but if you are having troubles with a toddler who's behaving badly you want to
go ahead and listen to the podcast on my website mommy answer lady calm it says be the mom I think
it's called how to take control that will really help but next Thursday we're also going to talk
about it now in if the last thing I want to say about this is the older child who's hitting and
we're talking about elementary middle school high school the older a child gets who's hitting first
of all the relationship with the parent is not what it should be so that's got to be addressed
and if you're having that kind of problem one of the things I would suggest is you go to my podcast
and you listen to the one that says building trust really important you want that one building trust
and that's at Mommy answer lady calm but if you're the older the child the more likely it is what you
need is some professional counseling if hitting is going on especially if they're hitting you that's
not acceptable ever so if that's happening and you aren't able to stop it you need to get some
professional counseling that's one and if you do join my channel and and all that I'm also
I'm getting a whole course together for how to train your toddler to behave okay and so there's
a free mini course that's good that's called establishing an effective parental mindset I
will be putting that up on the internet within the next couple months or so and then that will
be the foundation for how to train your toddler to behave and also just it's a foundation for any
parent with children at any age establishing an effective parental mindset so I'm gonna let you
go thank you for joining me and please remember to comment below I'd love to hear from you thanks bye