THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
HAPPY TO HAVE YOU.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS FRIDAY.
TODAY MARKS 35 YEARS OF DONALD TRUMP IN OFFICE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND-- NO, I'M SORRY, 35 DAYS.
IT JUST FEELS LIKE 35 YEARS.
AND, OF COURSE,TRUMP IS IN CHARGE OF OUR NUCLEAR MISSILES,
AND IF THAT DOES NOT SCARE YOU, PERHAPS THIS WILL.
YESTERDAY, IN AN INTERVIEW HE SAID HE WANTS TO EXPAND THE U.S.
NUCLEAR ARSENAL AND MAKE IT TOP OF THE PACK.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M NOT SURE IF HE MEANS TOP DOG
OR LEADER OF THE PACK.
BUT EITHER WAY, HE IS NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE ON THE CHRISTMAS
TREE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT-- ( APPLAUSE )
BUT IT'S A TERRIFYING PROSPECT.
AFTER YEARS OF CAREFULLY DECOMMISSIONING OUR NUKES, OBAMA
WON THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR THAT.
( APPLAUSE ) TRUMP WANTS TO RAMP UP NUCLEAR
PRODUCTION.
IT'S LIKE THE COLD WAR ALL OVER AGAIN, BUT THIS TIME, EVERYONE'S
ON RUSSIA'S SIDE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND HE ALLOWED-- SO WE KNOW WHO
THE WINNER IS.
AND HE ELABORATED WITH THE FOLLOWING REASSURING WORDS, "I
AM THE FIRST ONE THAT WOULD LIKE TO SEE EVERYBODY-- NOBODY HAVE
NUKES."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
"EVERYBODY-- NOBODY HAVE NUKES."
ACTUALLY, I THINK THAT'S HOW NUKES WORK.
FIRST, EVERYBODY HAS THEM.
THEN NOBODY HAS THEM.
AND IN BETWEEN, THERE'S A BIG BOOM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU JUST GET RID OF THEM.
SECRETARY OF STATE REX TILLERSON WAS IN NASDAQ CITY YESTERDAY TO
MEET WITH HIS MEXICAN COUNTER-PART WHO I HOPE IS NAMED
MEX TILLERSON.
ONLY FAIR.
AND TILLERSON REALLY HAD HIS WORK CUT OUT FOR HIM BECAUSE
MEXICO WAS NONE TOO HAPPY ABOUT TRUMPA NEW IMMIGRATION RULES,
ESPECIALLY THE ONES THAT, "RECOMMENDS SENDING ANYONE
DETAINED FROM ENTERING THE U.S.
ILLEGALLY TO MEXICO, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER THEY ARE FROM THAT
COUNTRY."
THERE YOU GO.
SEE, JUSTICE ISN'T BLIND.
SHE JUST CAN'T TELL HISPANICS APART.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IT MUST HAVE BEEN AWKWARD
MOMENT FOR TILLERSON AND THE MEXICAN DIPLOMATS WHEN THEY SAW
DONALD TRUMP DESCRIBE HIS IMMIGRATION PLAN FROM THE WHITE
HOUSE.
>> WE'RE GETTING REALLY BAD DUDES OUT OF THIS COUNTRY, AND
AT A RATE THAT NOBODY'S EVER SEEN BEFORE, AND THEATRE BAD
ONES.
AND IT'S A MILITARY OPERATION.
>> Stephen: YES, A MILITARY OPERATION.
SO, CONGRATULATIONS TO WHOEVER HAD "WAR WITH MEXICO" IN THEIR
OFFICE POOL.
( LAUGHTER ) AT LEAST NOW WE KNOW HOW HE'S
GETTING RID OF ALL THOSE NUKES.
NOW, SECRETARY OF HOMELAND SECURITY JOHN KELLY IMMEDIATELY
ISSUED A STATEMENT THAT THERE WOULD BE NO USE OF THE U.S.
MILITARY TO ENFORCE IMMIGRATION.
SO WHICH IS IT?
SEAN SPICER?
>> THE PRESIDENT SAID TODAY THAT THE DEPORTATIONS TAKING PLACE
UNDER HIS WATCH ARE A MILITARY OPERATION.
>> RIGHT.
>> SECRETARY KELLY SAILED THE MILITARY WON'T BE INVOLVED IN
DEPORTATIONS.
DID THE PRESIDENT MISSPEAK?
THE PRESIDENT WAS USING THAT AS AN ADJECTIVE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I'M NOT-- I'M NOT
AN ENGLISH TEACHER, BUT HE'S USING "MILITARY OPERATION" AS AN
ADJECTIVE?
( LAUGHTER ) AS YOU DO, AS YOU DO, DO YOU
LIKE MY NEW HAIRCUT?" "YES, IT'S VERY MILITARY
OPERATION."
YET DO THESE PANTS MAKE MY ASS LOOK MILITARY OPERATION?"
BUT THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY HAS BEEN TRYING TO
REASSURE IMMIGRANTS ALL WEEK.
AS ONE OFFICIAL SAID, "WE DO NOT HAVE THE PERSONNEL, TIME, OR
RESOURCES TO GO INTO COMMUNITIES AND ROUND UP PEOPLE AND DO ALL
KINDS OF MASS THROWING FOLKS ON BUSES."
WOW, THAT'S A SUPER-SPECIFIC PLAN FOR SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO DO.
"DON'T WORRY, HONE.
I WOULD NEVER LACE YOUR COFFEE WITH SLEEPY PILLS, PUT YOU
BEHIND THE WHEEL, AND THEN JAM A BRICK ON THE ACCELERATOR.
WHERE AM I GOING TO FIND A BRICK AT THIS HOUR?"