( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ALL TO "LATE SHOW"."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
HAPPY FRIDAY, EVERYBODY!
HAPPY FRIDAY TO YOU ALL, MY FRIENDS.
IT'S A BIG DAY FOR MANY OF THE WORLD'S RELIGIONS.
RIGHT NOW, IT'S GOOD FRIDAY, THE START OF PASSOVER, AND WE'RE
ALSO IN THE MIDST OF RAMADAN.
SO, HAPPY RAMA-GOOD-PASS-ADAN-OVER-DAY
TO YOU ALL!
( APPLAUSE )
JOKE: A PRIEST, A RABBI, AND AN IMAM WALK INTO A BAR, THEN WALK
RIGHT OUT, BECAUSE THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE AT CHURCH, SEDER
AND/OR FASTING.
THE LAST TIME THE ABRAHAMIC RELIGIONS ALL CELEBRATED MAJOR
FESTIVALS ON THE SAME DAY WAS OVER 30 YEARS AGO.
SO...
2020?
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
FOR THOSE CELEBRATING EASTER, CONGRATS ON MAKING IT THROUGH
LENT.
TRADITIONALLY, MANY CATHOLICS USE LENT AS A TIME TO ABSTAIN
FROM ALL MEAT EXCEPT FISH.
IN FACT, McDONALD'S SAYS 25% OF THEIR ANNUAL FILET-O-FISH SALES
HAPPEN DURING THE SIX WEEKS OF LENT.
THE OTHER 75% COMES WHEN THEY DRENCH THAT PATTY WITH BARBEQUE
SAUCE AND CALL IT A "McRIB."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT-- SAME STUFF.
YOU CAN'T PROVE IT.
YOU CAN'T PROVE IT'S NOT THE SAME STUFF.
BUT IT TURNS OUT THERE'S A WORKAROUND, BECAUSE CAPYBARA,
BEAVER, AND OTHER AQUATIC ANIMALS COUNT AS FISH DURING
LENT, WHICH EXPLAINS THE POPULARITY OF THE NEW SEAFOOD
RESTAURANT LONG JOHN BEAVER'S.
( LAUGHTER )
IN THE 16th CENTURY WHEN THE VATICAN GRANTED THE VENEZUELAN
CHURCH REQUEST THAT CAPYBARA BE COUNTED AS FISH, NOT MEAT, FOR
LENTEN PURPOSES BECAUSE THEY WERE SEMI-AQUATIC, STRONG
SWIMMERS, AND HAD SORT OF WEBBED FEET.
WHICH MEANS IT'S ALSO TECHNICALLY OKAY TO EAT AQUAMAN.
( LAUGHTER )
SOUND WAS.
IT WAS EITHER BEING UPSET OR GREAT LONGING.
NOW IT'S TIME FOR A "LATE SHOW" IDIOT UPDATE.
>> WELL, ACTUALLY...
( LAUGHTER )
FOLKS WHO WERE EITHER IDIOTS OR SPIES, WHO WERE ARRESTED FOR
IMPERSONATING FEDERAL AGENTS AND SUPPLYING SECRET SERVICE
PERSONNEL WITH GIFTS SUCH AS RENT-FREE APARTMENTS AND
iPHONES.
SO SECRET SERVICE AGENTS ARE PAID SO POORLY THEY NEED FREE
PHONES AND SHELTER?
THAT EXPLAINS THEIR NEW RECRUITMENT ADS:
"THE ELITE.
THE WORTHY.
FREE MUFFINS IN THE DUMPSTER OUT BACK. "
ACCORDING TO ONE OF THE DEFENDANTS, THE MAN HAD NO
INTENTION OF COMPROMISING ANY FEDERAL AGENT, AND ONLY PROVIDED
GIFTS TO AGENTS "WITH WHOM HE HAD A GENUINE FRIENDSHIP" AND
NEVER ASKED FOR ANYTHING IN RETURN.
AND THE JUDGE MORE OR LESS BELIEVED THAT STORY.
SO, INSTEAD OF SENDING THEM TO JAIL, HE ORDERED BOTH MEN TO
REMAIN IN HOME CONFINEMENT, SUBJECT TO G.P.S. MONITORING,
WITH THEIR PARENTS.
I'D RATHER GO TO JAIL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( AS OLDER MAN )
"LISTEN UP, NEW MEAT: DINNER IS AT 4:30.
THEN AT 6:00 WE WATCH "WHEEL OF FORTUNE."
AND AFTER THAT, YOU NEED TO HELP DAD WITH HIS YAHOO! MAIL.
THE INTERTUBES ARE ALL CLOGGED!" ONE THING THAT MAKES THIS WHOLE
STORY EVEN WEIRDER THAN IT IS IS THAT THE U.S. ATTORNEY FOR D.C.
RELEASED PICTURES OF THE EVIDENCE THEY FOUND IN THESE
GUYS' APARTMENTS, INCLUDING HIGH-CAPACITY MAGAZINES,
MULTIPLE COPIES OF LICENSES AND PASSPORTS, A MACHINE TO PRINT
NEW I.D.s, AND THESE DOOR-OPENING TOOLS, DESCRIBED AS
A "DYNAMIC ENTRY KIT" -- YOU ALL KNOW, THE THINGS YOU NEED
WHEN YOU'RE MAKING FRIENDS.
WE ALL REMEMBER WHEN JOHN WILKES BOOTH SHOT LINCOLN AT
FORD'S THEATER, AND THEN FAMOUSLY CRIED, "SO IS THAT A NO
ON BRUNCH?" SPEAKING OF THE SECRET SERVICE--
THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION HAS BEEN PRETTY LOW ON SCANDALS SO
FAR, BUT WE JUST GOT A BIG ONE CONCERNING FORMER FIRST DOG
MAJOR BIDEN, SEEN HERE GIVING THE PRESIDENT A TASTE OF HIS OWN
HAIR SNIFFING.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ THAT'S NOT THAT BAD.
THAT'S NOT-- I DON'T...
MAJOR PUT THE BIDENS IN THE DOGHOUSE LAST YEAR WHEN HE GOT A
LITTLE BITEY WITH WHITE HOUSE STAFF.
AT THE TIME, PRESS SECRETARY JEN PSAKI ACKNOWLEDGED JUST ONE
BITING INCIDENT, SAYING, "MAJOR HAD BEEN SURPRISED BY AN
UNFAMILIAR PERSON AND REACTED IN A WAY THAT RESULTED IN A MINOR
INJURY TO THE INDIVIDUAL."
OF COURSE MAJOR GOT A LITTLE CHOMPY.
HE LEARNED IT FROM HIS DAD.
BUT NOW IT TURNS OUT THAT THE WHITE HOUSE TRIED TO BURY THE
REAL STORY LIKE A BONE IN THE BACKYARD, BECAUSE THANKS TO A
FREEDOM OF INFORMATION ACT REQUEST, WE NOW KNOW THAT MAJOR
ACTUALLY BIT AGENTS ON EIGHT CONSECUTIVE DAYS.
AND NEWLY RELEASED EMAILS SHOW SECRET SERVICE AGENTS WERE
OUTRAGED BY THE WHITE HOUSE'S ATTEMPTS TO PLAY DOWN THE
BITES.
THIS IS CLEARLY A COVER-UP!
A WHITE HOUSE SCANDAL OF EPIC PROPORTIONS THAT FOX NEWS IS
CALLING "BITE-GHAZI."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW-- STAY ON THE STORY, SEAN!
PER THE SECRET SERVICE, THIS WASN'T JUST ANY NIBBLE.
SEVERAL AGENTS GOT CHOMPED ON THEIR LEFT FOREARM, RIGHT THIGH,
AND RIGHT BUTTOCK.
OKAY, THAT'S TERRIBLE, BUT IT'S PART OF THE JOB!
YOU'RE WILLING TO TAKE A BULLET FOR YOUR COUNTRY, BUT YOU WON'T
GET YOUR BUTT MUNCHED?!
( LAUGHTER )
PRESIDENT NEVER HAD A DOG.
HE WAS HAULING AROUND A BUTT BUFFET!
IT'S TOO TEMPTING!
( APPLAUSE )
ALONG WITH OUTRAGE AT THE COVERUP, ONE AGENT IS STILL
TRYING TO GET PRESIDENT BIDEN TO PERSONALLY PAY FOR A DAMAGED
COAT.
HOWEVER, THE WHITE HOUSE DID NOT SAY WHETHER BIDEN PAID FOR IT.
"OKAY, HEARD THE PUP TOOK A CHUNK OUTTA YOUR MacINTOSH,
WASHED IT DOWN WITH A TALL GLASS OF BACKSIDE.
DON'T WORRY, JACK, UNCLE JOE'S GOTCHA.
TELL YA WHAT-- HERE'S A CRISP FIVER, TAKE THE TROLLEY ON DOWN
TO BAMBURGER'S, BUY YOURSELF A NICE RACCOON NUMBER, DAVY
CROCKETT SPECIAL.
KEEP THE CHANGE AND HIT THE SODY FOUNTAIN.
GET AN EGG CREAM AND A MONTE CRISTO.
NOTHIN' BETTER FOR A CHOMPED TUCHUS.
L'CHAIM, JACK!"
♪ ♪ ♪ NOTHING LIKE HIM.
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE HIM.
NOT EVEN CLOSE.
TOTALLY DON'T KNOW.
SO WHAT BECAME OF THE CHOMPER IN CHIEF?
WELL, REPORTEDLY, MAJOR WAS GIVEN TO FAMILY FRIENDS LATE
LAST YEAR, BUT HIS PRESENT WHEREABOUTS ARE UNKNOWN.
HE'S OBVIOUSLY IN WITNESS PROTECTION.
SO KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR A NEW NEIGHBOR WHO'S SHORT AND HAIRY
WITH THE NAME "REX NOTADOG."
THERE'S SOME NEWS ABOUT THE NEWS.
ACCORDING TO A NEW "ECONOMIST"/YOUGOV/
MIGHTY MIGHTY BOSSTONES POLL, THE MOST TRUSTED NEWS SOURCE IN
AMERICA IS THE WEATHER CHANNEL.
WITH 52% OF AMERICANS TRUST IT, WHILE THE OTHER 48% RELY ON THE
SECOND MOST TRUSTED NAME IN WEATHER: "THE WINDOW."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT THERE ARE SOME-- 24 HOURS.
THAT'S 24 HOURS.
>> Jon: YEAH, YOU LOOK OUT THERE.
>> Stephen: ALWAYS ACCURATE.
BUT THERE ARE SOME PARTISAN DIFFERENCES, BECAUSE THE WEATHER
CHANNEL IS TRUSTED BY 62% OF DEMOCRATS BUT ONLY HALF OF
REPUBLICANS.
WHICH MEANS THERE IS NOW AN OPENING FOR A CONSERVATIVE
METEOROLOGICAL ALTERNATIVE: RUPERT MURDOCH'S "FOX NEWS
WEATHER NEWS."
"THIS JUST IN: A DEADLY CARAVAN OF MEXICAN CLOUDS IS CROSSING
OUR SOUTHERN BORDER, BRINGING A TORRENT OF CRITICAL RAIN THEORY,
TO BE FOLLOWED BY A RAINBOW.
JUST MORE EVIDENCE THAT THE GAY AGENDA IS BENT ON FLOODING YOUR
BASEMENT.
( LAUGHTER )
TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS JOSH BROLIN.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, WE LOOK AT SOME EASTER CARDS WITH A VERY
SPECIAL WIFE OF MINE.
STICK AROUND.
HAD.