last night, President Donald Trump
popped into Phoenix to top off on his tan
and to hold a campaign rally
for the election that he just won.
And, uh, seeing as Trump won Arizona,
it's no surprise that last night's rally was packed.
I mean, there was a line around the block,
like someone was releasing a racist sneaker.
And, uh, when the show started,
it started with a bang.
Mike Pence's wife let him attend.
And Ben Carson came out of hibernation
to lukewarm up the crowd.
And can I just say...
having Ben Carson kicking off a party
is like having Ben Carson kicking off a party.
He's, like, the worst choice ever.
(imitates Carson): "DJ Doctor is...
"in the house.
"Are you all ready to have a
festive... moment?"
(slowly imitates hip-hop horn)
But... but nobody's...
(cheering, applause)
But, uh, look, nobody came to a Trump rally
to hear a slow-motion black man speak.
They came for fire and fury.
And that's exactly what they got.
We were just one vote away from victory
after seven years of everybody proclaiming,
"Repeal and replace."
Seven years!
One vote away!
I will not mention any names!
Antifa!
"He's in a Twitter storm again."
I-I don't do Twitter storms.
The obstructionist Democrats would like us not to do it,
but, believe me, if we have to close down our government,
we're building that wall.
Wait, wait, wait. Wait, what?
Wait, what happened to Mexico paying for the wall?
What-what do you mean the government's gonna shut down
if the... What? Mexico pays for the wall.
That's the only reason I watch the rallies, is to see the hits.
You can't just change the words to your songs, Trump.
Who's gonna pay for it? Mexico!
You can't just change the words.
♪ I like big
♪ Because I'm a trivia guy. ♪
It's not the same!
Mexico pays for the wall!
(cheering and applause)
What do you mean the government's gonna shut down?
Now, although most of Trump's rally
was an outstanding rejection of sanity,
there was a key issue that he had to address
and that was demanding justice
for the real victim of Charlottesville, himself.
Because according to the president,
he gave a pitch-perfect performance
after Charlottesville.
He said all the right things,
but the dishonest media didn't report it fairly.
So he read us his statements all over again.
So here's what I said-- really fast--
here's what I said on Saturday.
"We're closely following the terrible events unfolding
in Charlottesville, Virginia." This is me speaking.
"We condemn in the strongest possible terms
this egregious display of hatred, bigotry, and violence."
Then I said, "Racism is evil."
Did they report that I said that racism is evil?
And I finished. I said, "We will defend and protect
the sacred rights of
"All" is capitalized times five.
I didn't say, "I love you because you're black"!
Or "I love you 'cause you're white"!
Or "I love you because you're from... Japan!"
'Cause I said everything.
I hit 'em with "neo-Nazi."
I hit 'em with everything.
I-I got the "white supremacist," the "neo-Nazi."
I got 'em all in there. Let's see.
Yeah. "KKK." We have "KKK."
I got 'em all.
I'm so glad we didn't elect an irrational woman as president.
I really am, really am.
Like, who is this person?
Like, "from Japan."
Does he not know how to say "Japanese"? Like, does he...
Like, all the things... He sounds less like a president
and more like an angry waiter arguing about an order
that he got wrong. "I got you the neo-Nazis!
"I got you the fries!
"I got you the KKK!
"What more do you want?!
"I've got it all!
I got it all!"
(applause)
Here's the thing though, here's the thing.
While Trump was so furiously accusing the media
of selectively reporting what he said,
he
REPORTER:
to the violence in Charlottesville.
He spent nearly 15 minutes recounting his words
but with a glaring omission.
"We condemn in the strongest possible terms
this egregious display of hatred, bigotry, and violence."
That's me speaking on Saturday.
We condemn in the strongest possible terms
this egregious display of hatred,
bigotry, and violence on many sides.
On many sides.
Exactly. You can't leave out "on many sides."
That was the whole reason people were mad. That was it.
Leaving out "on many sides"
erases the context of what happened.
Like, in any story,
if you remove a crucial piece of information,
of course, the story will change.
You can't just remove in many side...
Like, in
if you remove the chocolate factory,
now Willy Wonka is just a pedophile.
(laughter, groaning, applause)
You're like, "Why does this guy have these kids in his house?"
But you add the chocolate, and you're like,
"I hope he'll let my kids visit him."
-(laughter) -Context, people.
So last night, in the name of unity,
Donald Trump once again sets out
to divide Americans even further.
And, unfortunately, it seems to be working.
MAN:
the thousands of Trump supporters
entering the convention center
were met by a wall of protesters.
(crowd booing)
The Hoyler family says
the level of animosity surprised them.
-It was a little scary. -Yeah.
-Yeah, it was a little scary. -Yes.
I'm not sure what the anger is all about.
(laughter)
You're-you're not sure what the anger is all about?
Have you been living wherever Trump hides his tax returns?
(laughter)
You know, in a way, I... I envy these Trump supporters
because they're living in a state of bliss.
For everyone else,
Trump's presidency is a little more painful.
MAN:
towards police who responded
by shooting him with a non-lethal projectile.
-(people groaning) -Yup, that's Trump's America, people.
One side doesn't see anything wrong,
the other side feels like it's been shot in the dick.