>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST IS A COMEDIAN WHO
HAS PERFORMED ON "CONAN" AND COMEDY CENTRAL.
GIVE IT UP FOR SHANE TORRES!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> HELLO!
HELLO?
HOW ARE YOU ED SULLIVAN THEATER, YEAH?
ALL RIGHT.
I KNOW THAT I AM GETTING OLDER BECAUSE I HAVE STARTED TO MAKE
MORE NOISE LAYING DOWN THAN STANDING UP.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT HAPPENS SOMEWHERE AFTER 30.
AS SOON AS MY HEAD HITS THE PILLOW NOW, I JUST --
( LAUGHTER ) HEEEEEH!
JUST GET THIS DAY OFF OF ME.
I TURN ON MY SIDE, I SOUND LIKE A CITY BUS COMING TO A STOP.
HEEEH!
TTTSTH.
THE NEXTkO■ MORNING I WAKE UP WI MORE PAIN THAN THE NIGHT BEFORE.
HOW ARE YOU SORE FROM REST, FATTY?
NOBODY TOLD ME I WOULD BE YOUNG FOREVER BUT NOBODY TOLD ME IT
WOULD END SO DAMN FAST.
IT HAPPENS QUICKER THAN YOU THINK.
IN MY 20s, I WAS A LUNATIC.
I'D SNORT IT, SHOOT IT, DRINK IT, SCREW IT, AND NOW IF I HAVE
CHEESE I WANT TO LAY ON A COLD FLOOR.
( LAUGHTER ) IT AFFECTS ME EVEN LIKE I WANT
TO GO SEE MY PHYSICIAN IN MY 20s -- THAT'S A DOCTOR --
( LAUGHTER ) -- I WOULD GO SEE HER AND I WAS
SO CARE FREE THEN.
SHE WOULD SAY SOMETHING LIKE, YOU'RE DOING PRETTY GOOD, BUT
MAYBE JUST LOSE A FEW POUNDS.
I WOULD BE SO OPTIMISTIC, IT'S OKAY, DOC, HERE I COME, WORLD!
BUT I TURNED.
BUT NOW LIFE HAS BEATEN ME PRETTY GOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) YOUR LAUGH IS HAWPTING --
HAUNTING.
WHEN I GO SEE HER NOW I TAKE IT PERSONALLY.
SHE'S, LIKE, YOU NEED TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT AND I'M, LIKE, I
DON'T LIKE YOUR DAMN GLASSES.
WE'RE SAYING OTHER?
MY CHOLESTEROL IS HIGH, YOUR CO-PAY IS HIGH.
HOW DOES THAT FEEL?
NONE OF THESE NURSES LIKE YOU.
I DRINK LESS THAN I EVER HAVE.
IT IS STILL A PROBLEMATIC AMOUNT.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S THE KIND OF DRINKING IF WE
WENT TO BRUNCH YOU WOULD BE LIKE WHO GETS SCOTCH WITH A WAFFLE?
( LAUGHTER ) I GOT BUDDIES WHO ARE GETTING
SOBER.
YOU EVER HAD SOMEONE DO THAT TO YOUR FRIENDSHIP?
( LAUGHTER ) ( BLEEP ) WHAT A BUMMER THAT I
WHAT I MEAN TO SAY IS I NEVER HAD A FRIEND WHOSE ASSOCIATE WAS
LESS IRRITATING THAN THEIR ADDICTION WAS.
( LAUGHTER ) LIKE, YEAH, I HAD THIS BUDDY,
HE'S SOBER, HE CAUGHT A TOUCH OF CHRIST.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT HE WAS THE FUNNEST DRUNK I'D
EVER MET IN MY LIFE.
GREW UP WITH HIM IN TEXAS, A DUDE NAMED TODD.
I WOULD BE, LIKE, WE'RE GOING FOR COCKTAILS TONIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
HE'S, LIKE, YEAH, FORGET CHILD SUPPORT!
TODD IS AWESOME!
I'M, LIKE, I'M HAVING A BARBECUE.
HE'S, LIKE, I'M GOING TO SHOOT MY GUN IN YOUR POOL!
YEAH!
TODD WAS AWESOME.
NOW TODD IS SOBER AND HE IS A HUSK OF A MAN I KNEW, TRULY JUST
A TURTLE WITHOUT A SHELL.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, ONE OF THE THINGS THAT'S
VERY IRRITATING ABOUT TODD'S ASSOCIATE IS HE NOW THINKS HE'S
BETTER THAN EVERYBODY BECAUSE HE DOESN'T DRINK, A REAL CHEEKY
LITTLE JERK.
WE'LL BE OUT TO DINNER AND HE'LL SAY SOMETHING PASSIVE
AGGRESSIVE -- ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO HAVE A FIFTH BOTTLE OF
WINE FOR DINNER?
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, TODD, I'LL HAVE VALIUM
WITH MY CARROT CAKE, I'M NOT THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM AT THE
TABLE.
ALL OF A SUND YOU'RE NOT PARKING ON YOUR NEIGHBOR'S LAWN AT 4 IN
THE MORNING, YOU'RE BETTER THAN EVERYBODY ELSE.
TODD, THAT'S A DUMB DUMB ASS NAM ( LAUGHTER )
HONESTLY, WHO THE HELL LOOKS AT A NEWBORN BABY NOT YET HAVING
SINNED IN THIS WORLD, SEES THEIR CHILD DRAW ITS FIRST BREATH AND
REST ITS HEAD UPON THE BOSOM OF ITS MOTHER AND THINKS "TODD"?
WHAT, DO YOU WANT IT TO BE DUMB?
LOOK, I GET IT, NAMING A KID IS A BIGGER RESPONSIBLE THAN PEOPLE
MAKE IT OUT TO BE.
MY BEST FRIEND WHO GREW UP IN TEXAS HAD HIS FIRST LITTLE BOY,
HE NAMED HIM LARRY.
I MET AN INFANT NAMED LARRY.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S MY SON, LARRY IF BABY.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?
IS HE ALREADY 100 YEARS OLD?
( LAUGHTER ) MY NAME IS DUMB, I GET IT.
MY NAME IS SHANE TORRES.
I GOT THAT NAME BECAUSE MY MOTHER WAS FROM SOUTHERN IRELAND
AND MY FATHER WAS FIRST GENERATION MEXICAN-AMERICAN.
SHANE IRISH, TORRES THE SMITH OF MEXICAN LAST NAMES AND THAT
MAKES ME CATHOLIC.
THIS YEAR FOR LENT I'M GIVING UP HOPE.
( LAUGHTER ) COULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH WORSE,
THOUGH.
LIKE IF MY DAD HAD BEEN IRISH AND MY MOM HAD BEEN MEXICAN.
PARENTS WOULD HAVE NAMED HE LIKE JUAN MCDOUGALL.
( LAUGHTER ) FERNANDO FI FI FITZGIBBON!
THANKS YOU GUYS VERY MUCH.
>> STEPHEN: SHANE TORRES, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.