That's right, after years and years of alleged sex crimes,
R. Kelly may finally be facing justice.
And it almost feels strange
that they got him after all these years.
You know? It's like if Wile E. Coyote
finally caught the Roadrunner--
who is also a criminal, by the way. Yeah.
That bird has been smuggering... smuggling drugs
across the border for years--
and Trump's border wall isn't gonna stop him, either.
Yeah. He'll just paint a wall, a hole in the wall,
and just beep-beep right through it.
That's what he does. He's not the good guy.
And, like, by the way, I was genuinely shocked
to find out that R. Kelly doesn't have
a hundred thousand dollars for bail.
I was shocked by that detail. Like, how is that possible?
You know? Now I think of his music completely differently.
I thought "I Believe I Can Fly"
was a song about believing in yourself.
Turns out this (bleep) couldn't afford a plane ticket.
(laughter)
♪ I believe I can fl... ♪
Well, according to your bank statement, no, you...
you can take the bus, bitch, that's what you can do.
-(applause) -That's-that's what you can do.
(cheering)
So...
it turns out he doesn't have money,
he's being charged with ten counts,
so R. Kelly's best bet right now is to pray.
Although, I don't know if God has time for his prayers,
because he's got his hands full right now.
Pope Francis today ended a landmark summit
on the Roman Catholic Church's sex abuse scandal
by calling abusive clergy "tools of Satan."
NEWSWOMAN: Pope Francis delivered strong condemnation
of wrongful clerics yesterday,
the pontiff promising to bring the wrath of God
upon priests who are sexually abusive.
Ooh, that's right.
The pope has threatened abusive priests
with the wrath of God.
That is the ultimate, "Just wait till your dad gets home.
When he comes back to earth, you are in so much trouble!"
Yeah. So if I was one of those priests,
I would be pretty worried about facing God's will.
I mean, look at what happened to Jesus,
-and God wasn't even mad at him. Hmm? -(laughter)
And if you're super religious, the wrath of God raining down
on abusive priests is the worst possible punishment.
On the other hand, many people are pointing out
that the wrath of God isn't a thing.
Yeah. I bet R. Kelly heard this, and he was like,
"Uh, can I also take the wrath of God as my punishment?
"No, I'm saying instead of prison, uh...
"I'll take two. Give me double wrath of God and no prison.
Yeah? Can I do that?"
So it looks like the Church isn't going to do enough
to punish these sex criminals,
which means we might need to get the government involved.
The only problem is, the government
has also got its hands full right now.
A federal judge in Florida said tonight
that one of President Trump's cabinet members broke the law
while serving as a prosecutor
in the case of a Florida billionaire
accused of sexual abuse of minors.
TV REPORTER: When Alexander Acosta,
who is now the Labor secretary,
was the U.S. Attorney in Miami,
he and his prosecutors broke the law while cutting
an extremely generous deal with Jeffrey Epstein,
the politically connected billionaire accused
of sexually abusing more than 30 underage girls
at his Palm Beach mansion.
REPORTER: Any concerns about the Labor secretary's handling
of the Jeffrey Epstein case?
I really don't know too much about it.
I know he's done a great job as Labor secretary
and, uh, that seems like a long time ago.
(audience reacts)
Yes, you heard that right.
11 years ago, the man who is now Trump's Labor secretary,
basically let a billionaire off the hook
for abusing underage girls,
and President Trump's response is,
(mimics Trump): "That seems like a long time ago."
(normal voice): Yeah.
mimics Trump): "Look, that thing was 11 years ago, folks.
"By now, all those underage girls
are overage, problem solved."
(normal voice): I also like how the president's like,
"Oh, I-I haven't been following the story.
"I was too busy watching Spike Lee at the Oscars.
Yeah." (laughs)
Think about how crazy this is.
There's a member of Trump's cabinet who helped
a billionaire sex offender sweep a scandal under the rug,
and this story is flying almost completely under the radar
because there's another billionaire having
a different sex scandal
l at the same time, also in Florida.
Yeah. I'm talking about
New England Patriot's owner Robert Kraft.
He's famous for leading the Pats to six Super Bowl rings,
but it turns out there's another kind of ring
he may have been involved in.
TV REPORTER: New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft
has been officially charged with first degree solicitation
of a prostitute in Florida.
TV REPORTER: The charges come as part of a much larger crackdown
on illegal sex trafficking.
TV REPORTER: On two occasions, Kraft solicited a prostitute
at this shopping center massage parlor,
about 20 miles from his West Palm Beach home.
Okay. I'm sorry. This story is so insane.
What are you doing paying for sex in a strip mall in Florida?
You own the Patriots.
You could walk into any strip mall in Boston
and get a hand job for free.
You wouldn't even have to ask. They'd just be like,
(with Boston accent): "Oh, my God, Robert Kraft.
"what an honor to yank your crank.
Hey, Sully, get over here and help with the balls."
I mean, I mean, seriously, you're a billionaire,
and you might go to jail for a happy ending?
Which, by the way,
I've never really understood the term "happy ending."
Like, all massages have a happy ending,
like, because I leave relaxed and spelling of lavender.
I don't understand when people are like, "Did you get
a happy ending?" I'm like, there's always a happy--
They make it sound like the alternative is a sad ending.
You know, like they ask, "Do you want a happy ending?"
And if say no, the masseuse is like, "Okay, massage is over.
And your is dead." (crying): "No.
I should have got the happy one."
But it's important to remember that this isn't just a case
of a rich man paying for sex, all right?
Because investigators say
that these women weren't willing sex workers.
They were women who were from China,
who were forced into sex slavery,
held against their will, and made to serve
over a thousand clients a year. Yeah.
So this wasn't Pretty Woman, it's more like pretty horrific,
which is why these are very serious charges,
unless you're a Patriots fan.
TV REPORTER: What you won't find among many Patriots fans
are a lot of critics of Kraft.
WOMAN: He's single, right? It's not like he's married.
He's my boy. I stand by him the whole way. He's a goat.
Somebody's just trying to come down on him,
'cause everybody hates to, uh, see the Patriots win.
If he wants to go have a little fun
with the hookers, that's his business.
I don't want to think any of this happened.
Go, Pats. Go, Rob Kraft, all the way.
They might drag his name through the mud a little bit,
but I think, I think, in the end, everything's gonna be fine,
and I think it'll fuel them for seven.
You know, this is what's incredible
about sports in America.
If you're winning, there's no limit
to what your fans will let you get away with.
Robert Kraft could nuke Boston,
and you'd still have Patriot fans staggering out
of the blast zone, and they'd be like,
"This is just fuel for ring number seven, baby!"
(laughter)
Like, that's how crazy loyal sports fans are.
And, look, you can call it repulsive,
you can call it insensitive for these people
to just brush aside serious sex crimes like this,
but you could also call it presidential.