(sings)
- [Narrator] And...
we are back,
back to another flash forward.
But before we can figure out what's going on here,
let's flash even more forward.
It's Old Man Grimes with his absolutely ludicrous beard.
I find it hard to believe that Rick finds it hard to believe
Jerry rode all this way just for dessert.
What do I mean by that?
I mean butternut-skillet cake,
a fan favorite from the comics, is my favorite character.
And I can't wait to see how the writers needlessly kill
butternut-skillet cake for no apparent reason.
Oh cool, now we're gonna flash back to a quick
flash forward, what the fuck happened to this show?
That feeling when the house you bought in Atlanta last year
may not have been the best investment.
It's Carl's last day on earth, folks, let's make it count
by setting it to a really bizarre music choice.
I would have gone with Celebration by Kool and the Gang,
but maybe that's a little too obvious.
Imagine, it's your last day of life, and one of the items
on your to-do list is wear that stupid hat.
Carl really packed a lot of activities in,
between his blogging,
and lighting tiny candles
that'll last five minutes and taking selfies
and playing Blue Man Group with Judith
and...
a Big Cat bar.
Okay, this bothered me so much more than it should have.
I wish I could explain why it bothered me
that they went with a generic store-brand soundalike
with similar packaging that was so clearly
an actual Kit Kat bar when they're eating it
instead of just making up literally any candy bar.
But here we are, a many years from now,
as I'm laying on my death bed, my final words will be,
"That Big Cat thing, still kinda pisses me off."
Come on Carol, let New Carl come on your murder field trip.
How is he New Carl, you ask?
Well, he's being told to stay in the house
and he's annoying the shit out of me.
If that's not New Carl, I don't know who is.
Wow, this character dialogue is so,
what's the word I'm looking for?
Moving, no, it's not it.
Emotional?
No, it's not emotional.
It's dog-ass, yeah, that's it,
this dialogue is greyhound booty all day long.
Carl really said, "I got bit" twice.
The first time was enough, bud.
And even that may not have been necessary
considering everyone but you has eyes, ugh.
Ezekiel's doing that talking thing again.
Yeah, just go ahead and kill him.
Wait, now Gavin said Negan's gonna kill you twice.
Why is everyone saying things twice?
Don't they know how words work?
If you say something, someone hears it,
and you don't need to say it again.
But all the dialogue this season has been so hard to hear,
maybe they figured just having people repeat stuff is easier
than actually fixing it.
Siddiq, buddy, read the room.
Rick does not want your Flintstone vitamins,
or sob stories about your dead parents.
I love that he says the Saviors don't have enough ammo
to destroy the place as we hear the booming sound
of the Saviors' ammo destroying the place.
Also, Daryl talking ominously about murder
while holding Judith was terrifying.
Okay, I feel like I'm taking crazy pills:
Morgan just said, "This is it" twice.
Then he said, "No" twice, in the same scene.
This episode is 20 minutes longer than other episodes
and it's all so people can say their lines twice.
Love doesn't have an off switch,
that's what makes it so magical.
And Morgan really loves stabbing people in the throat
with a stick, you have to respect Morgan's commitment.
He either kills nobody ever or everyone all the time.
And there's no middle handle
on his frozen yogurt machine of death.
Seriously, what the hell is going on?
Ezekiel just repeated his whole not-too-late thing twice.
I have a few conspiracy theories I firmly believe in.
And one of them is now AMC padded this episode
with unnecessary repeated dialogue
and drawn out character interactions to make it longer,
so they can sell additional commercials
for this highly viewed death,
that honestly should have just happened
in the mid-season finale and been over with.
I don't even think it's fair to call that
a conspiracy theory, it's just some shit they clearly did.
Damn, Rick,
did you pick up a fat sack of cush on that last supply run?
Your eyes are looking toasty, my guy.
Oh fun, time to flash forward again.
That beard, Rick, you look insane with that beard.
Hey, I know that outdoor stove, I saw it on Shark Tank.
Seriously, like, a week ago.
Shark Tank is a show that's also on Sundays
and I can't tell you how much
I would rather be watching it right now.
Cool, now time to flash back from our flash forward
to another flash forward, and oh my god, this is insane,
I hope they're burying
whoever signed off on this flash nonsense.
Listen to your brother, Judith,
sometimes a kid has to show their parents the way.
Like when a kid goes off to rescue a rando
and gets bit under the most unnecessary circumstances.
Now on second thought, maybe don't listen to your brother.
Oh god, no, they couldn't just
let that awful hat die with Carl?
Nooooo!
it's going to look even dumber on her tiny head.
Wow,
what a beautiful scene
that's completely ruined
by the infant crying sound effect they used.
(infant crying)
Full on Labrador butt hole.
Carl, you in no way honored Lori.
You left the house and got killed, I can't think of anything
that would bring her memory more shame.
But don't worry Carl, Siddiq is gonna honor you.
He's going to be the town barber, so nobody ever
has to walk around looking like you ever again.
Just watch out, Siddiq,
Rick banged the last person who had that job.
Carol and Morgan's plan to shoot from the stage
with no cover is going surprisingly well
for a thing that should have gotten them killed right away.
And just when you think this guy's bloody mouth
is the grossest thing you're gonna see all episode:
Oh my god. (laughs)
Holy fucking shit, Morgan just ripped that guy's guts out
with his bare hands.
Clean up on aisle nasty.
Morgan is in full murder mode
and he clearly likes it way too much.
Slowly stalking his victim like
the Terminator or goddamn Jason Voorhees.
I thought it was weird he miss-shooting him,
but now I'm beginning to think he missed on purpose,
just so he could play with the guy before the kill.
Everyone needs a hobby, my mom likes needlepoint.
This is Morgan's needlepoint.
Guys, please, can we wrap this up?
Shark Tank is on.
I swear to god, Carl can't even die right.
All these head-kissy montages and stacks of stupid letters
and bad stories from old episodes.
It's almost as if AMC filled this episode
they knew people would tune into with a bunch of bullshit
to make it longer to sell more commercials.
Oh god, now I'm repeating my own dialogue,
shit, I become part of the problem.
Rick's playing his greatest hits album,
he opened with, "Carl," then went straight
into a remix of, "Things are different now".
I bet he's gonna close with, "I'm gonna kill you."
That always brings the house down.
This little fucker,
didn't stay in the house
and killed someone he didn't have to, New Carl confirmed.
So the flash forwards were actually
Carl's visions this whole time.
Wow!
what a twist.
What a Poodle-anus-Golden Retriever-ass cheeks twist.
Okay, Ezekiel said, "All will be resolved"
twice in this scene, the amount of double-dialogue
in this episode is fucking insane.
This 82-minute long episode could have been
15 minutes total and accomplish everything this one did
except pissing me off.
Wow, Carl's dead.
Hard to believe that after so many years together,
this guy I've repeatedly wished death upon is finally gone.
And now, a moment of silence for all the good Carl memories.
Tune in next week:
will Negan some day live peacefully with Rick and the gang?
Yes, after this season 12 all out spaghetti story arc
comes to its dramatic conclusion.
What adventures will New Carl get into?
He's going to eat a ton of pudding on a roof,
then kill his mom in prison.
This show is fresher than ever.
And what the fuck was up with that weird ending?
I don't know, and neither do the people
who are writing this show.
None of this and more, next time on The Walking Dead.